Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

Would it be okay, if Sharon from 4 doors down popped in one night, stripped naked and then grinded all over his lap with her boobs in his face?

Would he need it explaining to him, that was crossing a line?

If that's not okay, why is it okay in a club?

He knows it's crossing a line and he did it anyway. Now he wants you to be grateful that he told you the truth, because his friends won't tell their wives, so actually he is the good guy in all of this.

How fucking ridiculous.

I presume then, that he would be fine with Bob from work rubbing an erection in your face? If not, why not?

I agree with this and while I would be fuming let’s be realistic.

if we were ACTUALLY in this situation would we end it? Would we? For a paid dance with someone he can’t touch, some irrelevant stripper.

what he’s done is hurtful and idiotic but he hasn’t cheated, he’s got caught up in something stupid and made a bad judgement call.

if you want to work on it you should. Many women hear saying that it would be the end of the relationship for them. I’m sorry but I’m reality I really do highly doubt that would be the case.

Grim. Everything about it. I would prob LTB in this case.

MY DH has been to a few before he met me - as a younger man. I struggle with that in itself but would not tolerate it now at all and he knows this.

Interested in whether other posters could get over it if in their partners past (I didn't know when I met him or would have had second thoughts!). I trust he wouldn't go now.

He could have had a mass orgy with the entire current conservative government and I wouldn't give a shit. It's before he met me. People have pasts. It's not some form of betrayal against you, they didn't know you 😂.

Sounds like a (massive) error of judgement on his part with some poor peer behaviour in the mix.

Strip clubs for straight men are depressingly more accessible and acceptable than those for women so he’s probably not considered the flip side if you were to the equivalent.

YANBU

up to you if you can move past this in the relationship. How is his behaviour generally?

I’d end my marriage if my partner got a private lap dance

He wouldn’t be happy if I got one and he knows I wouldn’t be happy if he got one either

Some woman wouldn’t mind their partner getting a dance and some would

You just need to work out if this is a dealbreaker for you

I personally wouldnt allow my husband to go to strip club, I dont think it would be fitting for me as a mother and wife to go checking other guys bare bottoms and ding dongs out as much as a father its not suitable for him.

I dont even get why people do it what the fun bit, more embarassing and awkward.

As for the lap dance, his friend paid for it so he should have said is friend to have it and no ta, what next,his friend pays for a service from a lady of the night he will accept that too?

Oh and by the way, there is ZERO chance that his friend paid out ££££ for the lap dance. That's just stupid. "My friend made me do it" What is he, 5 years old?
He paid for it out of his own money.

Absolutely

Only you know if it’s a dealbreaker FOR YOU. Would be for some, not for others. We can’t tell you.

Did he enjoy the private dance? Was he coerced into it by his mates egging him on? Did he want to be part of the gang and felt by opting out of a private dance, he would have been ridiculed?

I can imagine a man without much backbone, not being able to say no thanks in that sort of situation.

He said he had to sit on his hands obviously to restrain himself 🤢

This is just absolutely vile and what would have me throwing him and his sorry arse out of the door. Bad enough he paid to have a naked woman gyrating in front of him, (no way did his mate pay!) but to say he had to physically stop himself from touching her is unforgivable. He's saying he wanted to touch her and the 'rules' were the only thing stopping him, not you or your children.....what a bastard!

Hi I personally would not be happy,I would state this and then try to move on. I winder why his mate paid for him,perhaps because they thought it was something he wouldn't do? Pack mentality here. Think it would have probably seemed easier to sit there than to walk away from.the group. Not excusing his behaviour. We all make mistakes.

I fully agree with you. I'm shocked how many people would end a marriage over it. It shows how very different opinions can be on the exact same issue. I personally wouldn't care if my husband done this on a stag do. Going alone is different like.

I wouldn't want to be married to a man that would use a strip club. Just like I wouldn't want to be married to a racist, or an alcoholic, or a homophobe, or a sadist. I don't need to instruct my husband not to do those things because he wouldn't anyway. It is not in his nature. I could not love a man that enjoyed a private dance at a strip club - he would not be my type. If you have to tell some one not to behave appallingly, it means you are accepting they would behave appallingly unless instructed otherwise. Far better to marry someone decent who doesn't need to be told not to be an utter shit.

I am so sorry OP, I could not move on from this. Your children are very young and I don't think you should make hasty decisions. But in the longer term, I suspect this may be the beginning of the end - he is not the man you hoped and believed he was.

He said his mate paid for him so op would have one less argument against it. You see that line time and time again on threads like these.

Id bet £1000 that his mate did not pay for it. He paid, with half of ops money.

This - unless you'd discussed it and made it clear this was a line for you, I think you have to give him a second chance. My DH knows this is a line I'm not okay with him crossing. In fact, on his own stag, they tried to take him to a strip club and he refused to go in. A few of his friends went in (some others didn't) and he stayed outside. But as I said, it was something we'd discussed prior.

You have to actively say “My line in the sand is you not having another woman’s tits jiggled in your face” rather than it being a given? If we had to specify all the lines that way, Excel would run out.

YANBU to be upset over the private dance. If he was single - private dances are fine. But married absolutely not.

I went on a hen do earlier in the year and we went to see DreamBoys stripper show.

Although crass, I would say it’s a regular part of stag and hen weekends to go to the strippers. A lot of men are seen as seedy for watching women but it’s seen as just a “laugh” when women go to see men.

Id be absolutely fine with my DH going to a strip club, to watch in a crowd just like I’ve watched male strippers in a crown. But a private intimate dance would cross the line.

I wouldn’t leave my DH over it. I only would for cheating/some betrayal. But I’d be making him live in the dog house for a while.

@EndlessRain

Have you asked him if he would be comfortable with a naked man gyrating with his penis inches from your face?

Yes! Exactly. Funny how they see this as a harmless bit of fun but would probably go ballistic if you had some guy gyrating in front of you!

I thought that too.

To be fair, this is common. The women/dancers always tell the punters to sit on their hands whilst receiving a dance. It’s for the dancers safety.

It’s a bit sad but not worth ruining your relationship over.

I wouldn’t be thrilled at mine going to a lap dancing bar, but I wouldn’t veto it either.
But a private dance would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s pretty close to cheating, I couldn’t get past that.

I've just told DP he mustn't kill anyone. Can't be too careful.