Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

I don’t think it matters what anyone else would do or think. It’s your relationship, how you feel about it is the only thing that matters.

Yeah that's def crossing a line. Him playing it down wld infuriate me even more. Infact saying u wldnt mind wtf! Oh yes sure he wasn't mind some guy striping off and grinding on u.

He's your husband yet didn't know you wouldn't be ok with him having a private lapdance?!

I am not married to my dp of 3 years and even he would know I wouldn't be ok with this. Neither would be thankfully or I wouldn't be with him.

Did he tell you about the lapdance?

He thought you wouldn't mind? If he's never discussed this with you before and you've said you didn't mind, then this was extremely presumptuous. I don't think I'd get past it, what an awful thing to do to you.

I'd dump him

I asked him the morning after if they went to a lap dancing club he said yes, then I asked if he’d had a dance and he admitted it. I’m so shocked. I wouldn’t expect him to wait outside the club obviously but the fact he’s chosen to sit and watch a naked woman dance just for him knocks me sick. I really want to forgive him but don’t know how. We’ve been together 12 years.

I must admit that I rather wonder why he told you. Either he really thinks you won't mind or care (in which case, why mention it at all) or he knows he'll mind and wants absolution. It's a bit rude.

Ah, sorry, crossed posts.

Its up to you if this is a dealbreaker op; it’s hugely disrespectful and it’s not ok

I wouldn't be upset about a strip club. I would be upset about a private dance. They are - as I understand it - very intimate.

It is obviously better that he admits it when asked rather than lie but if he knows that this would be a problem for you (and I imagine it would be for many women - me included- so it isn't like you are strange) and he did it anyway then it shows a massive lack of respect.

I am not sure what I would do in your position OP so sorry I'm not much help but good luck.

Did he tell you about it?

This happened to me last year.
Although my husband immediately knew he had messed up and rang me to ‘confess’.
We’d not really discussed what our line was re strip clubs and I was actually really shocked with how upset I was.
It took me a few months to get the images out of my head and reading this has just brought it all back. But ultimately I decided this was a mistake/error of judgement I could forgive. I don’t bring it up in arguments and he knows where the line is now and to cross it again would be the end.
I feel for you, it’s so easy to say ‘LTB’ but hard when it’s your family and life.

Oh, to add, I would be upset, but I wouldn't leave him. I would make my line on this very very clear going forward though.

Does he have any reasonable grounds, honestly, to believe that you would be okay with him getting a private dance? Have you ever given that impression from previous conversations? I expect you’ll say not. This would be absolutely unacceptable to me.

If this bothers you so much why didn’t you have the conversation before he went out? It’s an odd thing to fail to discuss before and then want to bring up first thing the next day.

DP went on a stag do and had a private dance a few years ago. I knew he was going and wasn't happy about it but it is something expected on stag do's and I trust him to do anything too stupid.

He told me what happened when he got back and said the private dance he had was great but strange as he was basically expected to sit on his hands and a bouncer kept looking in. He was pretty horny as well so we had a very fun time that night.

I couldn't really be too angry as we had been to a strip club together in Thailand to watch the ping pong thing many years ago. That was quite the eye opener and not something I ever want to repeat. Yuck!

Oops! What a typo to make

DP went on a stag do and had a private dance a few years ago. I knew he was going and wasn't happy about it but it is something expected on stag do's and I trust him NOT to do anything too stupid.

The thing is that we will all have our own limits for what's ok and what's not. As will we have boundaries in our relationships.

The question therefore is what your boundaries are and was or should your DH reasonably have been aware of them.

I couldn't get over this. Some won't be bothered. Says everything about him. Drunk or stag night or not.

Personally this wouldn't thrill me but I wouldn't be upset either.

I'm surprised he told you.

Can you just write it off as a crazy bachelor party and move on? Would he mind if you did the same?

To be honest, I didn’t think I’d have to tell him that I wouldn’t be happy with him paying for a naked woman to dance for him, I thought that would be a given. He tries justifying it by saying that at least he told me, the other lads that had one won’t tell their partners.

Have you asked him if he would be comfortable with a naked man gyrating with his penis inches from your face?

It’s up to you, no two people are the same.

My husband had one on his stag do, told me straight away, said he found the whole thing embarrassing, and has never been back.

I want upset at all

I wouldn't be happy, DP knows this.