Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

As previous posters have said- everyone has their own ideas on this. For me- I honestly don't think I could move past it. I think it's repulsive sleazy behaviour, and I don't want to be married to a man who would involve himself with that.

I would view this as cheating and proceed accordingly. Which doesn’t mean “LTB” but means: he cheated on you, so now what? Counselling? Atonement? Trial separation?

That is so incredibly hurtful of him. You've got 4 month old baby FFS, I'm sure your not feeling tip top about your own body, let alone having the knowledge that he's had another woman all over him.

Sorry I'm not trying to make you feel worse, this is how I would feel.

12 years is a long time and a lot to throw away, but I'm not sure I could get over that. I feel for you, I really do xx

I think he's been silly. He has atleast been honest.
I can see why you're v annoyed but for me, this isn't marriage ending stuff.

It's a hard no for me, and he knows this.
I have never been to see a male stripper in any context either as I feel it's a double standard otherwise.
Call me a prude if you will, but it's how I feel.

As others have said, this is how YOU feel about it. I have some friends who wouldn't care, I personally do. And my DH knows it. For me, a private dance from another woman in a strip club would be a deal breaker. He'd be out the door if it were my husband. you need to work out if this is something you can get past or not.

He didnt think youd mind? So he would be fine with you handing over money to Dave from down the road so that he could undress and rub his dick in your face? If not, what's the difference?

In my opinion, it is not cheating. Could I please ask that people refrain from gaslighting? Communication is the key here. Dumping him will not resolve the issue.

To be honest, it wouldn't bother me. Other than a good old perv at the dancer, he wouldn't of been able to touch.

Everyone has their boundaries. I personally couldn't get over this. I found out my ex watched porn and it still bothers me, 11 years later. Only you know if you'll be able to get over this

I had an ex boyfriend who thought like this - that I shouldn't make a fuss because the whole thing was "compartmentalised" in a way that kept it separate and distinct from our relationship. However, I couldn't get over it and he couldn't see my point of view. It took me a while, but I broke up with him in the end. I found the experience extremely upsetting, but now I'm many years older and wiser, I don't regret dumping him. His behaviour represented a sordid double standard that I couldn't live with then and wouldn't put up with now. I hope your other half is mature enough to understand your feelings and commit to not doing this again. I am sending you love and sympathy. x

It’s disrespectful. Very disrespectful. I would be furious especially as he is so blasé about it.

Who has gaslighted? Did you mean to write “could I please ask that people refrain from having a different opinion to mine”?

I’d be devastated and it’d be a deal breaker for me. I’d love to be cool with it, but…I wouldn’t be!!

Angry at your husband on your behalf.

Who does that?! So selfish of him!!! Then how he goes on to think it's actually OK as he's been honest with it! Wtaf.

He has shown his true colours op, proceed with caution.

This thread shows exactly how many different opinions there are on this kind of thing. I certainly don't enjoy the thought of my DH having a private lapdance and it all seems pretty sleazy to me. However, it's certainly not a deal breaker for me. If my husband was frequently going to lapdancing clubs then yes, I'd dump him. If it was a one off at a stag do well I'd just let him know I wasn't impressed and I'd move on.

AFAIK private dances often involve physical contact such as grinding on the man, fondling, the man sucking on boobs, or even hand jobs etc. which I would see as equivalent to cheating.

He said he had to sit on his hands obviously to restrain himself 🤢

If he had been in the same situation with a friend, it would be considered completely unacceptable - on the verge of cheating, if not actually cheating.

In addition to that, he's shown that he's considers women to be objects who's consent can be paid for.

I would consider it unforgivable if my DH did the same.

Yuck. This man would repulse me. Why does he feel women are commodities for him to purchase? How does this attitude spill in to other aspects of life? 🤢

(How much family money did he rob to buy the woman?)

It would be over for me. Only you can decide what you want to do and what your boundaries are

Ugh that last detail is fucking ENRAGING. OP I know you would rather this just went away but pushing your feelings down to 'forgive' him is not going to help you in the long run. I'm not just saying LTB given you have a 4 month old baby but you need to be VERY honest about EXACTLY why this was not OK repeatedly until he gets the message and promises he won't do it in a way that makes you believe him. It is on him to earn your forgiveness not on you to forgive him.

It might be that he won't understand why you're so pissed off even if you tell him, in which case the only thing that's going to make it OK is leaving him, whether that's now or down the line when it's more practical for you to do so. You are NOT unreasonable. You are allowed to be angry and feel betrayed by this.

This.

He’s revolting. He’d never be touching me again. Poor kids having that as a father. You deserve so much better OP.

It would be a deal-breaker for me OP - but DH knows that, and he wouldn't even put himself in that situation, he feels the same as I do about it.