Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

This is the kind of thing which needs to be discussed and agreed beforehand. I told DH I understood he would likely be attending a strip club on an upcoming stag do, but I would prefer it if he didn’t partake in a private dance. He told me he didn’t, although I can’t imagine he would have told me if he had. Things can rapidly get out of hand on stag dos and it’s best everyone is clear on expectations.

I find it strange he told you OP. It suggests to me that he really didn’t expect you to mind. I would be upset in your shoes but wouldn’t end my relationship over it.

I think it's disrespectful for any man in a relationship to actively seek out and pay to see near naked women...even worse for a private dance.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate it personally, it would make me feel even worse about myself.
To know his partner was home alone with your young baby while he had a naked woman rubbing herself all up him is just disgusting.

Fucking idiot. Men and their knobs.

It’s really not that intimate. Just a woman doing her job. Your husband is only another punter. The whole thing isn’t very nice, though...

You could say that about OP’s DH sleeping with a prostitute too.

Urgh.

In his defence, maybe if his girlfriend had told him its not acceptable he wouldn't have done it 😬

Umm, no you couldn’t.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs

I understand that he didn't betray me- just many women find this so very repugnant (me included) and that it says something fundamental about them.

In that way it is still hard to move past it, just the fact he thought it was ever ok. God knows if it was in the OPs situation - no way could I move past it.

I'd feel the same if they'd had an orgy with the whole of the tories (or labour at the moment to be fair), whether now or BM (Before me).

@hairyunicorn Wow, I know this will be unpopular but i am honestly shocked by the amount of women that would end a good marriage over a lap dance

Well, Hairy it depends what you mean by a "good marriage"?

OP has just found out that she is married to a man who thinks that women are a collection of body parts, to be bought and sold for male arousal.

Lap dancing clubs are spaces where traditional gender roles are played out, where men are dressed and women are undressed, where male sexual desire is prioritised, where the “male gaze” is manifest, and where men—as the primary customers—wield economic power.

In OP's marriage her husband is wielding economic power by leaving her with the children whilst he goes for an evening of titillation.

Only OP knows how she can handle this.

OP, I am sorry to post about you as if you weren't here. x

Just a woman doing her job. Husband just a punter. Not very nice. 🤷‍♀️

How is your sleazy anecdote in any way helpful to the op's situation?

Exactly.

I've just reminded my husband that stealing shopping from OAPs is out of order. Despite them being there, all vulnerable, and us feeling the pinch a little, financially.

Tbh although the proximity of a naked woman for the exact purpose of sexually arousing the man she's dancing for is cheating in my book, I'd be far more upset by the misogyny.

Whilst I do not blame individual women for needing to make money this way, the existence of lapdancing venues is no good for women as a whole. It just underlines the misogynist message that women are merely objects for fullfilling men's desires. And I would hate to have to walk near all those aroused, misogynist men late at night.

There is no comparison with a hen do ordering a stripper. Women don't rape and murder men or discriminate against them in the workplace or expect men to perform all the unpaid care duties or hold men to a ridiculous standard of grooming to be considered normal or dismiss their medical concerns or treat men out in public as their property to be leered at, intimidated and attacked curtailing how men behave after dark.

Look I’m just gonna say this, most of the women on here that are taking the stance ‘that would be it, over, we’re done’ are taking this stance because they don’t want to believe it could happen to them and this type of thinking gives us the illusion of a little control over a situation that in reality we have very little control over. This is fed by insecurity and worry that someone could hurt us in this way all very understandable.

Reality is something incredibly different to ‘what if’. Let’s face it - the majority of women are not going to give up on their relationship/marriage/family over a LAPDANCE. When actually in the situation and questioned wether they are going to disrupt their kids lives and theirs over one very idiotic thing to do I strongly believe the majority of the women here insisting they’d leave would in fact stay.

How many of you would find a male stripper funny? How many of you would leave the room if there was one at your mates hen do or birthday? Your husband or partner would HATE this but it is what it is, it’s not a turn on, it’s awkward and uncomfortable even if we do like what we see. Liking what we see and having a penis in our face in this way would anger out partner and hurt their feelings but it is NOT the same as sleeping with someone.

he’s hurt you that needs to be addressed but respectfully if this is the only things on your relationship that his messed up in I would urge you to work through it. Is he otherwise a good father, a good husband? Has he just made a stupid mistake but it otherwise totally dedicated to you? If this was part of a collective of behaviours you want to consider leaving him but if this is honestly just it, what are you doing? We don’t give up on relationships and marriages through one hurdle, multiple hurdles perhaps, but one?

i think what is needed here is many more supportive messages not just the misplaced anger and insecurity of women who worry about going through something similar.

Yuk that would give me the right ick. It’s just so disrespectful and sleazy. Ugh.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd assume that my partner would not be ok with someone rubbing thier genitals against mine just because I'd paid for it.

Fully agree

Everyone is different, even going into a strip club would be a deal breaker for me and my DH knows this.
A private dance would feel like a complete betrayal and I wouldn’t ever be able to look at him the same way again and I’d be furious with him for throwing our marriage away but doing something so disrespectful.

You’re catastrophising and it’s not helpful to OP.

Little bit different putting your dangly bits inside someone.....

@FunnyTalks
I've just reminded my husband that stealing shopping from OAPs is out of order. Despite them being there, all vulnerable, and us feeling the pinch a little, financially.

Well with the 10% pension lock I could understand your dh may think oap’s are fair game if you don’t warn him to keep his sticky fingers to his self.😂

I genuinely don’t think I could come back from this.

Apart from the fact that it’s so disrespectful to you, to be ogling naked women. It’s so disgusting to have such little respect for women that you pay them to strip/dance for you.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who had these morals. But presumably you knew what he was like when you married him?

I don’t know where you go from here, as it’s up to you. But I couldn’t be with a man who views women as commodities.

I can categorically say that if I was ever dating a man who went to a lap dancing club, I would leave him @HelsyQ

I have never seen a stripper or found them amusing.

Some of us don't have your same low standards as you do.

I also notice the way that you drew a false equivalence between women not walking out if a stripper turns up at a friend's event and a man paying a woman to grind her naked body on him for his sexual gratification.

I think most of us write from the perspective of knowing what squashing your feelings down to make a relationship work feels like years later. If she wasn't bothered about the lapdance then whatever, that's her call isn't it. But she is bothered and he is making light of it. So of course she could just push those feelings to one side for the sake of the marriage. Next time she wants to have sex with him she could just trample on the any intrusive thoughts that might pop up comparing herself to that other woman. She might be able to just make an excuse for the fact that he has treated one woman like a series of parts for his titillation and lock away any worry about the fact he might think of her or any daughters she might have in that way. She can probably do it. But that is not a good relationship in the long term and subjugating yourself for any relationship is damaging to your own self esteem and when it happens enough times in enough places it just propagates the idea of women as less than.

If he is remorseful and listens to her feelings that's one thing. But if he continues to dismiss her feelings about it the relationship's dead in the water anyway. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care how you feel? Sure, there are practical reasons it might not be a good idea to leave but those reasons are seldom permanent and once the respect for one another has gone that's really difficult to get back.

It's grim, on so many levels. Sorry op.

Completely agree with this.

This is mumsnet though so all the shit stirrers are out in force