Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

Apparently it’s a ‘rule’ that the club have that they can’t touch so the bouncers tell them to sit on their hands.

I’m sorry but this would be the end for me. I’m furious for you.

I'd dump a man for having a nude woman up close to his face gyrating at him consensually, for free. I'd double dump a man who paid for it. Who wants a misogynistic, objectifying sexist as partner and shudder, as a role model to their kids? Bleurgh

Totally agree with @Discoh - never fails to amaze me what women on here will put up with.

Wow, I know this will be unpopular but i am honestly shocked by the amount of women that would end a good marriage over a lap dance.

I understand everyone has different standards and if its that important to you then i would have expected the wife to discuss the issue with the husband long before he left for any stage do.

But lets get it straight, it was a lap dance he didn't sleep with the whole strip club.

If my husband was ever in a room with another women, near enough alone, and she started removing her clothes and dancing for him/on him then I’d expect him to get up and leave immediately at the inappropriateness of it all. Not sure why people seem to excuse it just because it was PAID for, surely that makes it more disgusting

My BFF used to be a stripper and this is true

Some clubs, not all. And some clubs with this.....<laughs>.......rule relax it if the sex worker and punter are up for it. Not unknown for bouncers to turn a blind eye. Info courtesy of a male friend who liked to frequent such bars. Youd be surprised at what even some 'upmarket'(lolz) allow. Guess you'll never know which category this fell into.

I'd absolutely end it with DP if he did this. I'd lose all respect for him. Knowing at the very VERY least the top he wore has got a sex workers fanny trails all over it? Nah. Not for me thanks. I'm worth way more than that, and so are my DC

I wouldn't view it as cheating, but I'd view it as pretty gross behaviour.

Sitting on his hands because he'd been told to is one thing (and probably quite standard). If, in addition to the rule, he felt he had to sit on his hands as he would have otherwise been tempted to grope the dancer, that's crossing a line big time. What did he actually say?

I'm really surprised this hasn't come up before, as normally over the course of 12 years there would be someone else having a stag do - actually, there would be DH himself having a stag do? - giving rising to the usual conversation on boundaries.

For me, I think strip clubs are a bit seedy, and private dances are especially gross, but I wouldn't view them as cheating. But you can't assume how the other person would feel - it's a conversation you need to have about your boundaries.

I would forgive in this instance as he hasn't actually touched another woman/had an emotional affair with another woman, he's 'fessed up voluntarily, and it's been a communication balls up on both sides. He hasn't tried to hide it, because he didn't think it would be an issue.

However, I would find him less attractive going forwards. I can understand how easy it is to be peer pressured into going along with this shit, but that just shows a weak character, and I don't find that an attractive trait.

I think this is something you can potentially work through. And as you have kids, it's worth trying. If you define your boundaries and he breaks them again, then it's a case of LTB. But he didn't know, and as obvious as they are to you, I don't think they're universal.

Separately, if you are feeling vulnerable having given birth not so long ago, that's something you both need to work on. You feel how you feel about this whole episode, and needs to accept that, and work on making you feel special and loved and attractive again. And I don't mean sex, if that's not something you're ready for yet. I mean, kisses, cuddles, holding hands, giving you compliments - making you feel like his number one.

He might not have realised he had crossed a boundary for you, but he should be able to see now the impact on you, and he should want to help you feel better about it.

Actually, it would be the man ending the marriage.

Your bars pretty low if you think men need to be told its unlikely their missus wouldn't be ok with another woman literally wafting her vulva within millimeters of their face and getting dry humped (as a minimum, as we all know what extras go on....sitting on hands indeed 🤣🤣🤣)

*would be ok

Likewise. Drunk group of blokes....I can see how this happens, but it doesn't make it ok. Is it the same as cheating? I wouldn't say....

Sorry posted too soon

Is it the same as cheating? No....I wouldn't say so, but it was a bad error of judgement.

He tries justifying it by saying that at least he told me, the other lads that had one won’t tell their partners.

Well this rather undermines the faux innocence of "I didn't think you'd mind". He and the other lads obviously knew their partners might be bothered if they don't plan on telling them, they just don't care.

Would my husband having another women’s boobs or vagina in his face or rubbing over his lap be a deal breaker.

100% don’t care why those boobs or vagina are there be it being paid for or a random women in a nightclub they have no place being there and if he wants them there he can stay away from mine.

Being in a strip club would be bad enough a sit is. I always find it slightly weird anyway like almost live porn with your friends.

You've got a small baby at home, and no doubt feel a bit vulnerable as most new mums do too. Your body has changed, you're exhausted - and no doubt you were at home looking after his DC whilst he was out having fun and getting a private lapdance.

I'm not sure in whose world this would be OK.

He's paying a woman to turn him on. It's disrespectful to his partner and sleazy. I can imagine being very hurt if my partner did this. I have no idea if I'd end the relationship over this, but it would certainly change the way I viewed that person. I'm not surprised you feel hurt. He also shouldn't be dismissing your feelings about it.

My bar isn't low, i just trust my husband (now ex). I don't see him having "another woman literally wafting her vulva within millimeters of their face and getting dry humped" that dramatic.

Clearly you and many others are bothered by it, but I'm not threaten or scared that my partner has no self control and i imagine its not nearly as sexy as people think.

My ex hubby was taken to a strip club on his stage and it didn't bother me in the slightest. The only thing that gets my goat is the thought that the women maybe exploited and then yes i would have an issue

Oh don't misinderstand, I'm not threatened in the slightest by a sex worker, or scared 😆. He wouldn't be in that position in the first place, and surprisingly I've never had to tell him my stance on lapdances, he seems bright enough to know it would be the end for us if he did.(sorry thats what I meant when I said the bar was low - that you suggest poor clueless blokes need telling their other half prob wouldn't be ok with it).

I mean, I wouldn't be ok with him going out and pissing away £500 in a casino.....should I tell him to make sure he knows? 😂

Grim but not worth throwing a 12 year relationship away over, especially with 2 young children, if he is an otherwise decent partner and dad. He told you when you asked, he hasn't set out to decieve you or lie about it, he never touched her (they are made to sit on their hands for the protection of the strippers). As I said its grim, but a drop in the ocean compared to something like an affair, gambling away a load of money or a prostitute habit. As a one off I'd make it clear it was unacceptable and crossed a line but ultimately forgive and move on.

@Megifer
If anything bothered me that much that it would cause the relationship to fail i would def have a discussion with my OH about it, and esp if my hubby was going on a stage do.

Might just be wise to layout expectations beforehand. Not saying men are stupid but everyone is different and it's good to layout exactly what you expect before these issues break up a happy relationship

That's even worse.

I never needed to tell my partner that this would be a deal breaker. He’s a decent man though.

There are different things that are acceptable/unacceptable in each relationship, personal to that relationship.

this doesn’t seem to be a controlling/unreasonable boundary for you to have even if other women wouldn’t personally have it.

he’s your husband, you have two kids together, I doubt very much that he would be unaware of your personal preferences… I would be astounded to learn that he genuinely thought you wouldn’t mind. Either way, there is a problem here - 1 that’s he knew you would mind but did it anyway or 2 he’s not paid enough attention throughout your time together and respect you enough to understand you fully.

it seems like there’s work to be done on your relationship, setting clear boundaries and him putting in some effort to show he’s sorry and will respect you better in the future. Maybe couples counselling is a good idea?

good luck x

I've only seen private dances on file etc but they are very intimate and they touch the men don't they or certainly have physical contact ..

I don't mind a strip club but I think a private dance is a bit much isn't it !