Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

That's horrible op I wouldn't be comfortable with this either. Have you sat him down and explained exactly how it made you feel? Yes I'd rather he was honest but the past time my dh went on a stag abroad he made a point of asking me what I'd be comfortable with before he went as some of the people going wanted to go to a strip club. So it did save us any awkwardness going forwards. But hindsight is 20/20. He needs to acknowledge and accept that he's messed up and made a bad call and so whatever he can to make it up to you. Not dismiss your feelings and tell you he could have kept it secret.

If you really thought it was a given why did you ask him about it after the fact? You clearly knew what he was going to do and decided to wait till after the fact to crest some drama.

I would ask him this, if he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's done. Or if he would mind you gyrating naked to/with another man. Is it still no big deal?

The thing is I have worked with "nice" men, ones that consider themselves right on. They've "been" and accidentally had a dance on stag nights, even though they wouldn't think they were into this as a rule. They've admitted they've told their wives who without exception have been really deeply upset. To the point where stag nights full then with fear. I've asked if they understand why they are upset and they do seem to get it on a rational level. I know they've begged for forgiveness but it's ultimately (when in that situation again) been seen as a bit of a joke, as something they all do, and after that they've just lied.

And this is from woke, new men types. Not even those I've worked with who are unashamedly sleazy about these things.

My partner has been in the past a long time ago before me and knows my long standing feelings. To be fair if he even entered the door of one that would be it for me. I don't care if I am controlling. To me it's repugnant. And anyone who thinks it's all a bit of fun (at least more than once and after the age of about 25) is the same.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same?

I honestly don't understand why this is considered a normal activity on a stag do. It's just such a horrible, horrible thing to do, even more so if you're in a relationship.

My advice is to find out what he was actually trying to achieve by private lap dance. Did he think it was just harmless fun? If so, ask him explicitly what his perceived boundaries for harmless fun with other women are. Find out what you need to regain that trust in your husband's fidelity and comfort in your relationship.

I wouldn't be bothered at all by it personally

Because when push comes to shove MOST men are dogs. A stag night is one situation where they are free from the usual social/family constraints on their own grossness.

The older I get the less I expect when it comes to their attitudes to women, whether the ones they get to perform for them (live or online) or their partners.

Being one of the boys - whether all the time or when they feel they can be - is such an utter turn off. I'm sorry for you OP, you don't deserve this.

This is exactly why I hate all these stag and hen dos, there's more disagreements coming out of it than it's worth it. If it's not lap dance, then it's money, bridezillas getting all upset etc.

OP, I wouldn't follow the advice "I'd dump him" as on 1st page, but how on earth did he assume you wouldn't mind. Wouldn't he mind if you untied stripper's thong with your teeth? 😡This is so not OK.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, everyone has different opinions.

Have you ever seen a stripper? Like up close? If you have was your husband bothered. If you haven't, would you think its wrong to or would you just think oh it's a laugh on a hen do?

As I say everyone's opinions are different, I must be in the minority because it wouldn't bother me if my husband done this whilst out on a stag do. However, if he went on his own different story altogether.

My niece got married 3 years ago and her brother was part of the stag do which consisted of 11 men between ages 22 and 55 and involved a full weekend. During discussions they decided on go karting etc. type activities for the day and which pubs/restaurants for the evening. The only person to suggest a lap dancing club was the 55 year old (the groom's boss; fat, bald, dishevelled). The younger guys were horrified and vetoed immediately. My nephew couldn't believe anyone would think he'd be on board with encouraging his sister's fiance to cheat, 3 weeks before they married.

I agree, I wouldn’t want some other woman’s private parts on display to my boyfriend/husband.

It's grim to think it's ok to buy women. That would really really put me off.

He’s probably one of these people who believes women are “insecure” and “jealous” if they don’t like their partner using sex workers/watching porn or whatever. Unfortunately there’s a lot of loud voices out there at the moment saying as much, many of them belonging to women.

I also don’t think it’s a reason to end the relationship instantly, but he needs to realise where you’re coming from and respond in a way you’re satisfied with before you consider what to do next.

Difference is, if a guy dangled his penis near my face it wouldn’t turn me on, but for guys it’s different. As another poster has said, her husband came home horny and they had a fun night. I would see that as he was turned on by another woman and then wanted sex to relieve himself with me, which I find repulsive.

@Sally090807
'Difference is, if a guy dangled his penis near my face it wouldn’t turn me on, but for guys it’s different. As another poster has said, her husband came home horny and they had a fun night. I would see that as he was turned on by another woman and then wanted sex to relieve himself with me, which I find repulsive.'

Have you never thought about any other man or situation while having sex? A large part of sex is imagination.

I can sort of understand that someone already in a strip club could get carried away with the atmosphere.
Whilst I am sure l some of them are young and unworldly, and it is just a bit of fun, I dislike the concept that women are a commodity to be letched over, especially by a supposedly responsible husband and father.
Are either of your DC female? Maybe the question your DP should have asked himself is not whether you would be OK with his actions, but whether or not he would be happy for his daughter to work in such a place.

That would be the end for me I'm afraid. I'd never forgive it.
Clearly it was peer pressure and he was unable to say no - I find this especially dangerous as he's too weak to say no to his friends and that his friends encourage this kind of behaviour.
What else is he going to be "pressured" into?

Everyone is different - my DH probably wouldn’t go but I have a bit if a kink for it so it would actually be a big turn on for me. I’d want all the details.

But that’s us and not you @Koala34. It would bother me that my partner wouldn’t know that (or does know but did it anyway). Especially post partum when women can be more fragile.

You feel what you feel, no right or wrong.

Everyone has different opinions and boundaries. To me this is cheating.

To some other posters it isn't a problem.

Unless you specifically explained to him beforehand and he understood he crossed a hard line then I think all you can do is have a very honest conversation with him now - and he needs to make sure nothing like this happens again.

Is he really understanding and supportive of your feelings in this?

I'd also not think very highly of the friends yes hanging around with, paying fur woman as treats fit each other - just gross.

Do you have daughters? How would he feel about stripping as a career choice for them?

He tries justifying it by saying that at least he told me, the other lads that had one won’t tell their partners.

Lol. Does he want a medal? I think it’s likely he knew you wouldn’t be ok with it but relies on the fact you’ll forgive him, especially as your children are so young.

End of relationship for me. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

His friend didn't pay.

Revolting men encouraging the exploitation of frequently vulnerable women.
No morals whatsoever.

I'd divorce DH if he had a lap dance. Not only would it be disrespectful to me but also shows an absolute lack of respect towards women in general. I couldn't stay with somebody whose values weren't in line with my own.

Fortunately I know he never would. He even had a "hag" do rather than a stag do because he had female friends he wanted to invite.