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Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

458 replies

Koala34 · 22/11/2022 11:13

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 23/11/2022 13:35

I'm just saying she needs to consider everything before making that choice.

I believe that is exactly what OP is doing. Its just very unfortunate she was put in the position of having to make that choice in the first place.

I'm not sure a lap dance is worth losing a good 12 year relationship,

Well, OPs husband thought it was worth the risk......

JenniferBooth · 23/11/2022 13:36

Wonder how the OPs "D" H would feel if she decided to get a part time job as a lap dancer. Seeing his reaction while suggesting this would be the litmus test.

larkstar · 23/11/2022 13:39

Part of the issue must be the company your husband keeps.

Usangechername · 23/11/2022 14:05

Op, if your husband can't understand why you are upset, ask him if he would feel comfortable with you giving another man a private naked dance like the one he received. Get him to articulate why he wouldn't like it, if he wouldn't. Then ask him why you should be OK with it.

Wiluli · 23/11/2022 14:54

LemonDrop22 · 23/11/2022 11:41

Oh sorry, he says his friend paid for it.

What generous friends, when he wasn't even the stag

🤔

I bet he paid for it not his friend , I bet it was a lot if money too hence the my friend paid excuse . My friend who had a stag they paid for the groom to have a lap dance and it was £900 , it’s not exactly change that friends will throw at you

ValK · 23/11/2022 23:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aussiegirl123456 · 24/11/2022 00:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I haven’t seen any double standards. I’ve seen posters claim that it’s just as grim for females to visit male strippers.

I was going to name change for this, but no idea how and well, fuck it. Not many people in real life know this about me but I don’t think I know anyone on MN so all good!

I worked in a lap dancing club in 2004-2007 (between ages of 18-21) in Gt Yarmouth (classy) and then in London, and a very little stint in Birmingham then Manchester. I’m not ashamed, it paid for uni. I knew I would be coming back to Australia so I had this thought process that it wouldn’t impact my future professional life. Thankfully it hasn’t. I wouldn’t do it if I had my time again, but all in all, I had a good experience and was safe. Young and silly but it is what it is. Made a lot of friends.

What has been described in these posts of what actually happens in the private dances is not an exaggeration, the descriptions are pretty accurate and align with my experience. I can’t speak on behalf of every club though, some may well be very tame. On the main floor, things are pretty tame, maybe you’re describing that? Private dances however, my vagina/vulva/whatever terminology you want to use definitely did touch a lot of noses. And tongues. I remember feeling so powerful at the time, like I had an upper hand over the patriarchy (lol, that naivety that comes with that age) that I was in control. Good looking men who I fancied I would definitely be more handsy or frisky with, I always felt as though I had them right where I wanted them and could get what I wanted. The men who I didn’t fancy, it was literally just a naked dance that I couldn’t wait to get through. I’m ashamed to say, I never considered that they may be in a relationship and looking back as my older, wiser self, I do feel so so bad in that respect. The bouncers would always take my lead, if they could see I was happy then they’d turn a blind eye to what I was doing. They’d be protective of me if they could sense I was unhappy. I was frequently asked for extras, but I always thought of myself as ‘too good’ to be an escort (I was a twat!) and so I never went down that route. I know some of the other dancers did offer extras. However as I was an idiot and thought I was a sexual gift to men and some powerful goddess, there were two occasions where the men were so gorgeous and I fancied them, so I did do things I shouldn’t have done during the dance.

Now I am older and wiser and less of an idiot, I do roll my eyes at myself during that era. I don’t regret the actual stripping but I do regret my behaviour during that period. I wouldn’t want my daughters doing it. Definitely wouldn’t appreciate my husband going to one. I’ve seen male behaviour in the clubs and most of what I saw wasn’t great. It was a lifetime ago and I’m a different person these days. A better person. (Not saying dancers are not good people, because they are, I’m just referring to myself, I was foolish).

I am not sure why I’m sharing this. Probably because of the post claiming that what happens in the dances has been overly exaggerated. Not sure why there’s a need to play it down. They’re seedy places that attract seedy people (me included).

I feel for OP, I can imagine she’s feeling very hurt and will have a lot of thinking to do. I hope she’s ok.

Usernameinsponeeded · 24/11/2022 01:25

@Aussiegirl123456 👏

ComfortablyDazed · 24/11/2022 03:15

Thanks for sharing @Aussiegirl123456

The utter arrogance of punters like @valk thinking they have better insights into it all than the various women who’ve actually worked in such places.

Richielogic · 24/11/2022 03:40

Some of the comments here and baiting of the OP are beyond ridiculous and not right. Some have just taken it too far and are not helping the OP make sense of the situation.

Some here are also just trying to add fuel to the fire suggesting that the guy had sex with the dancer, that it's a typical event that happy endings are a given. This is entirely in your imagination and certainly not in the norm and shame on some of you suggesting this to the OP to try and blow this into something worse than it is for her. It is not.

These licensed clubs would be shut down immediately if the dancers did anything more than a naked or semi naked strip.

I accept there are illegal brothels in the UK, massage parlours, prostitutes, escort sex workers etc that provide these services and if some sleezy bloke wants to seek that out that's an entirely different situation. There may even be low grade clubs that flaunt regulations like a poster here suggested as a dancer she offered more, but this is not a typical situation.

In the OPs specific case, her otherwise decent husband, had a lapse of judgement whilst off his face on a stag night. It doesn't make it right but it's NOT a hanging offence. He sat on his hands, a girl most likely student, did a two minute strip as his mates had bunged her a tenner or whatever and no touching lap dance and that was it. I am a guy and i can tell you for a fact this guy like many intoxicated guys in this situation probably wasn't even paying much attention. It's not private is it with loads of other guys and girls dancing around you and guys cheering others on. Further, one of the previous comments that he would be erect and excited about this and touching himself is just plain wrong. Now i can't say if he got excited or not, i wasn't there but there is a possibility he wasn't actually that interested in the dancer and wanted to return to his beer.

I appreciate some feminists here think all men are rabid dogs that will fck anything but sorry to disappoint but that is NOT the case for ALL guys.

Now, he has come clean to the OP and felt he could talk to her about it. He obviously considered he had the sort of relationship where he can talk to his wife. He didn't go off visiting prostitutes and then lie to his wife, no he has been open and honest about the stupidity of the situation, further her husband regrets it. The guy is unlikely to repeat the situation, if he did he would be toast. He will likely learn from it and not allow himself to be put in a stupid situation like this in the future.

I am speaking from experience, i made a similar dreadful mistake like the OPs husband years ok as i say. Incidentally, i don't keep in touch with some of the guys on that stag night but i learnt from it, matured and NEVER did anything so stupid again. I have been happy married now 24 years and never looked back. I wanted to reply to the OP because i had real experience of her situation i wanted to share from a different perspective, especially in view of some of the comments here. It is NOT worth breaking up an otherwise great marriage over this minor indiscretion.

Those posters here advocating she should leave her husband over this, well shame on you. There is a vast difference between this situation, a guy seeking out prostitutes or a guy having some secret affair behind his wife's back. As i say he has been honest and open with her, he's not done this behind her back and unlikley to repeat it

GOOD LUCK

ComfortablyDazed · 24/11/2022 04:06

I appreciate some feminists here think all men are rabid dogs that will fck anything but sorry to disappoint but that is NOT the case for ALL guys.

I think it’s the women who identify as feminists who are saying - most men aren’t like this, you don’t have to put up with this, you deserve better, better is out there.

Aussiegirl123456 · 24/11/2022 05:22

Richielogic · 24/11/2022 03:40

Some of the comments here and baiting of the OP are beyond ridiculous and not right. Some have just taken it too far and are not helping the OP make sense of the situation.

Some here are also just trying to add fuel to the fire suggesting that the guy had sex with the dancer, that it's a typical event that happy endings are a given. This is entirely in your imagination and certainly not in the norm and shame on some of you suggesting this to the OP to try and blow this into something worse than it is for her. It is not.

These licensed clubs would be shut down immediately if the dancers did anything more than a naked or semi naked strip.

I accept there are illegal brothels in the UK, massage parlours, prostitutes, escort sex workers etc that provide these services and if some sleezy bloke wants to seek that out that's an entirely different situation. There may even be low grade clubs that flaunt regulations like a poster here suggested as a dancer she offered more, but this is not a typical situation.

In the OPs specific case, her otherwise decent husband, had a lapse of judgement whilst off his face on a stag night. It doesn't make it right but it's NOT a hanging offence. He sat on his hands, a girl most likely student, did a two minute strip as his mates had bunged her a tenner or whatever and no touching lap dance and that was it. I am a guy and i can tell you for a fact this guy like many intoxicated guys in this situation probably wasn't even paying much attention. It's not private is it with loads of other guys and girls dancing around you and guys cheering others on. Further, one of the previous comments that he would be erect and excited about this and touching himself is just plain wrong. Now i can't say if he got excited or not, i wasn't there but there is a possibility he wasn't actually that interested in the dancer and wanted to return to his beer.

I appreciate some feminists here think all men are rabid dogs that will fck anything but sorry to disappoint but that is NOT the case for ALL guys.

Now, he has come clean to the OP and felt he could talk to her about it. He obviously considered he had the sort of relationship where he can talk to his wife. He didn't go off visiting prostitutes and then lie to his wife, no he has been open and honest about the stupidity of the situation, further her husband regrets it. The guy is unlikely to repeat the situation, if he did he would be toast. He will likely learn from it and not allow himself to be put in a stupid situation like this in the future.

I am speaking from experience, i made a similar dreadful mistake like the OPs husband years ok as i say. Incidentally, i don't keep in touch with some of the guys on that stag night but i learnt from it, matured and NEVER did anything so stupid again. I have been happy married now 24 years and never looked back. I wanted to reply to the OP because i had real experience of her situation i wanted to share from a different perspective, especially in view of some of the comments here. It is NOT worth breaking up an otherwise great marriage over this minor indiscretion.

Those posters here advocating she should leave her husband over this, well shame on you. There is a vast difference between this situation, a guy seeking out prostitutes or a guy having some secret affair behind his wife's back. As i say he has been honest and open with her, he's not done this behind her back and unlikley to repeat it

GOOD LUCK

Just curious how you know so much? Have you been a dancer too?

Aussiegirl123456 · 24/11/2022 05:23

“minor indiscretion”! Okay man.

TheaBrandt · 24/11/2022 06:25

Oh dear this thread is now full of thick men mansplaining strip clubs to us 🙄

TheaBrandt · 24/11/2022 06:28

I agree male strippers also grim and I would run a mile myself but you cannot compare them to female strippers. The roles of men and women both physically and in society are so different the power balance and dynamics are just not the same.

Valeriekat · 24/11/2022 06:49

TheNoonBell · 22/11/2022 11:51

Oops! What a typo to make

DP went on a stag do and had a private dance a few years ago. I knew he was going and wasn't happy about it but it is something expected on stag do's and I trust him NOT to do anything too stupid.

So where do you draw the line?

Jenny3412 · 24/11/2022 06:55

Leaving someone over something as trivial as this would be just an ego trip in stupidity. Yes be mad. Talk, shout. Set boundaries. But@ to sabotage your kids prosperity and future for your own ego would be ridiculous.

EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge · 24/11/2022 07:12

Jenny3412 · 24/11/2022 06:55

Leaving someone over something as trivial as this would be just an ego trip in stupidity. Yes be mad. Talk, shout. Set boundaries. But@ to sabotage your kids prosperity and future for your own ego would be ridiculous.

The husband did that.
He sabotages the kids prosperity.
Just to get facts straigh.
He ruined it, not op, whatever she may choose to do.
But this all is on the husband, op has done nothing wrong (nor has one’s supporting her to leave).

stuntbubbles · 24/11/2022 07:15

Jenny3412 · 24/11/2022 06:55

Leaving someone over something as trivial as this would be just an ego trip in stupidity. Yes be mad. Talk, shout. Set boundaries. But@ to sabotage your kids prosperity and future for your own ego would be ridiculous.

Sorry, it’s egotistical to want your husband not to cheat on you? Cirque du Soleil-level leap of logic there.

Valeriekat · 24/11/2022 07:18

MyOtherCarIsAHearse · 22/11/2022 17:22

You didn’t even read it. Meta.

LOL!!!!

MorningMeditation · 24/11/2022 07:25

Richielogic · 24/11/2022 03:40

Some of the comments here and baiting of the OP are beyond ridiculous and not right. Some have just taken it too far and are not helping the OP make sense of the situation.

Some here are also just trying to add fuel to the fire suggesting that the guy had sex with the dancer, that it's a typical event that happy endings are a given. This is entirely in your imagination and certainly not in the norm and shame on some of you suggesting this to the OP to try and blow this into something worse than it is for her. It is not.

These licensed clubs would be shut down immediately if the dancers did anything more than a naked or semi naked strip.

I accept there are illegal brothels in the UK, massage parlours, prostitutes, escort sex workers etc that provide these services and if some sleezy bloke wants to seek that out that's an entirely different situation. There may even be low grade clubs that flaunt regulations like a poster here suggested as a dancer she offered more, but this is not a typical situation.

In the OPs specific case, her otherwise decent husband, had a lapse of judgement whilst off his face on a stag night. It doesn't make it right but it's NOT a hanging offence. He sat on his hands, a girl most likely student, did a two minute strip as his mates had bunged her a tenner or whatever and no touching lap dance and that was it. I am a guy and i can tell you for a fact this guy like many intoxicated guys in this situation probably wasn't even paying much attention. It's not private is it with loads of other guys and girls dancing around you and guys cheering others on. Further, one of the previous comments that he would be erect and excited about this and touching himself is just plain wrong. Now i can't say if he got excited or not, i wasn't there but there is a possibility he wasn't actually that interested in the dancer and wanted to return to his beer.

I appreciate some feminists here think all men are rabid dogs that will fck anything but sorry to disappoint but that is NOT the case for ALL guys.

Now, he has come clean to the OP and felt he could talk to her about it. He obviously considered he had the sort of relationship where he can talk to his wife. He didn't go off visiting prostitutes and then lie to his wife, no he has been open and honest about the stupidity of the situation, further her husband regrets it. The guy is unlikely to repeat the situation, if he did he would be toast. He will likely learn from it and not allow himself to be put in a stupid situation like this in the future.

I am speaking from experience, i made a similar dreadful mistake like the OPs husband years ok as i say. Incidentally, i don't keep in touch with some of the guys on that stag night but i learnt from it, matured and NEVER did anything so stupid again. I have been happy married now 24 years and never looked back. I wanted to reply to the OP because i had real experience of her situation i wanted to share from a different perspective, especially in view of some of the comments here. It is NOT worth breaking up an otherwise great marriage over this minor indiscretion.

Those posters here advocating she should leave her husband over this, well shame on you. There is a vast difference between this situation, a guy seeking out prostitutes or a guy having some secret affair behind his wife's back. As i say he has been honest and open with her, he's not done this behind her back and unlikley to repeat it

GOOD LUCK

’I’m a guy’...yeah I could tell before you said. You made a mistake of doing it, yet you know what are and aren’t the norms for these places. Okay. 👍

You can’t tell women that it’s not worth breaking up over. It absolutely would be for me and many women would feel the same.

The mansplaining. The justifying. The minimising in your post. You sound completely repulsive and you clearly learnt nothing from your ‘mistake’.

You make my skin crawl. So many sleazy, gaslighting men in the world.

MyOtherCarIsAHearse · 24/11/2022 07:41

Valeriekat · 24/11/2022 07:18

LOL!!!!

What’s funny? You don’t understand what meta studies are?

Valeriekat · 24/11/2022 07:49

I was being supportive! (of you)
You seem a little touchy I obviously overestimated you.

tulips27 · 24/11/2022 07:54

Thanks God a man has come into our space to set us all straight! We are so weak-minded and easily misled after all, aren't we? What do we know? We really needed a man to explain things for us. 🙄

tulips27 · 24/11/2022 07:54

*Thank God