Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

DH did this. I was upset at the time and told him so. We had a full and frank discussion. I was angry for a while. We got over it. The marriage was otherwise fine.

It's a shock to realise what your DH really thinks about women.

That he thinks we are there for his sexual gratification.

That he's supporting a trade that traffics young girls and women.

That he's supporting an industry where sexual assaults increase by 50% within a 1KM of.

He's shown you this and how entitled he feels he is to our bodies.

I'd be disgusted.

I'm with my DP who when I met him didn't know the above. Men and women are socialised differently of course unfortunately. Now he knows this he wouldn't ever use a club like this because he now has better principles.

If he did it would be a deal breaker.

For the women whose partners did this and they forgave them, what did you imagine happened at a private dance?

It's a bit like a massage with a happy ending.

In some ways, it's mainly just a massage.
But in one very important way, it's just sex dressed up as something else.
I'm not sure women understand quite what it is they are forgiving. Why do you think it's private?

Oh and I am not naive thanks to my ex who was very open about what his peers got up to. One stag he went to on a boat they had strippers but they were actually prostitutes and most of the men fucked them. Family men / legal profession.

As far as DW was concerned, just like the OP here, this was a major thing, irrespective of the fact that I couldn’t remember half of it.

Would it be ok if she went home with another man and slept in his bed but didn't really remember it?

You say her idea and your reality were very different but how can you know that if you can't remember what happened?

You can't blame your friends for your shitty, creepy decisions.

Because it plays into the longstanding idea that men don't really want to marry. That they are being forced into it by society /women. That they are giving up their freedom. For those attending who are already married or in longstanding relationships, it gives them the opportunity to step back into singledom for a night in the name of some sort of perverted nostalgia before they were 'ball and chained'. Ah, the forbidden fruit of 'other women' that they can't access now due to 'her indoors'. The whole thing is pure misogyny and Peter Pam syndrome.

Actually my DH didn’t have a private dance. He was at a lap dancing club though.

I don’t ‘forgive him’. I just moved on

This is spot on. Sounds like a guy who matured to make better decisions.

Dont ditch an immature guy only to see him mature with someone else.

Ah, so when you say your dh did this, he didn't do that? Or at the very least, that's your belief and what he says.

I think the op has more of a problem as her partner had a private dance, apparently paid for by generous friends. There's a reason why they are private. Things go further than in public areas, which is the whole point of it being private.

This man can't actually remember what he did or didn't do.

He probably did fondle a naked woman while she sat on his clothed erect dick at the very least.

No wonder his wife was pissed off. I hope she had an affair at some point to even things up and that's why she felt able to move past it. Karma.

@Jenny3412 Dont ditch an immature guy only to see him mature with someone else.

Whaaat?

If a guy is mature enough to get married and create 2 DCs then he's mature enough not to bow to peer pressure and doesn't get a pass-out act like an irresponsible teenager.

And what's all this with stag nights and strip clubs anyway?

I must live in a parallel universe because the stag events I know about involved paint-balling, clay pigeon shooting, off-roading with quad bikes and other sporty pursuits.

This! I wouldn't be bothered either.

We went to a drag show for my hen party that started with lap dances off the male (hot) waiters, DH really didn't care and laughed his arse off when the pictures were shared. I honestly wouldn't bat an eyelid at DH having a private dance on a stag party if it become a monthly things etc that's the line for me.

of course he would ... or almost certainly could!
That's what a private dance is!
The totally naked with (at least) touching part.

If it's abroad or a more seedy UK club (or you pay more) it's also hand job or full sex.

It's very similar to a massage/happy ending. If you are ok with that then a private dance with bit of fingering and perhaps a wank is along the same lines.

To be fair, op's h has told her he sat on his hands, so touching was offered but he refused. If she chooses to believe he refused then I guess it is more in the 'twerking' territory.

Sure. Because all men have zero independence or ability to make decisions that their friends aren’t making for them, right? All you’ve done in your comment is show your utter disregard for your partner.

Guys, seriously. If you were on a hen do and went to a male strip show with naked waiters it would have been a laugh. Come on this is not worth another breath.

It's not a laugh though, it's creepy. And it's still a completely different scenario.

Or maybe maintain her own morals instead of passing on the grief to someone else who didn't deserve it.

I suspect we mix in very different circles - 'laddishness' is not the norm for the men I spend my time with. Not all men are pub going, beer swilling, footie watching, down with lads, grisly stag types. In fact, I have made a point in life of avoiding such men.

DH & I would both find that horrific. I would have left, in any case. Different people can obviously have very different lives, please don't normalise such grimness by assuming everyone would be OK with it.

Thank god a man arrived to tell us his manly view 🙄

I man loosely of course, not much of a man if you couldn't just say no to your mates. I'd expect that behaviour from a young teen trying to fit in, not an actual man.

I pity your wife you sound very weak and pathetic. Give him a hug? Fuck that.

*use man loosely

@Richielogic he didn't get 'caught up in a bad situation '. No one had a gun to his head, he could have just left. Everyone's view is different but if you give a pass on this what else is he gonna do.

You don’t get a “massage and happy ending” or a “massage” at a private lap dance! Many of my friends at Uni were strippers and there’s very little touching from them and none from the men.

This ex lap dancer would disagree @Onnabugeisha