Husband went to a lap dancing club as part of stag do and had private dance

[Koala34]

So my husband went on a stag do and went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance which he says his friend paid for. He said he thought I wouldn’t mind (!) We have 2 children one being 4 months old. I feel devastated and I’m not sure how I can get over it. What would you do? I just can’t get the image out of my head. I wish I was ok with it but feel like he’s crossed a line.

Its really grim and not far away from "it was only a slap the one time, think of the consequences if you leave".

But from OPs post he hasn't. He made a one off error in judgement.

If he had a history of affairs, frequented the strip clubs on normal nights out, didn't pull his weight with the kids at home, was generally disrespectful and sleazy thats completely different. Here it looks like a ususally good husband and father made a bad choice when off his face at a stag do.

He's wrong but if he is genuinely apologetic and unlikely to do again is it really worth this being the deal breaker?

meh. Your point is that I think it happens all the time in private dances. I know my own thoughts ta.

I think it's likely as not involved completely naked dancing with physical contact, intimate touching top possibly also bottom (although I do note he said he sat on his hands which may possibly be true) but if it was a seedy club or abroad also he either came in his pants, beyond grim, or there was more sexual contact between them where he came elsewhere. Also grim but tidier.

You can't assume your friends told you everything they did btw. There is huge stigma around this kind of work. I have friends who used to waitress in a stripclub who used to do plenty more than waitress. They weren't even the strippers! But I don't give a shit so they were open enough to talk about it. They don't go round telling most people how they earn an extra few quid on the side.

What do I think will happen with op? She'll decide to believe he didn't do much, it'll eat away at her, a few years later when the kids are older she'll find he's unfaithful/affair/sex workers and leave at that point. A poster upthread said something about types of men. These types of men take advantage of having the wife stuck home with young kids to get away with murder but it catches up sooner or later.

Best thing with this ... stay independent, get/keepa good job, get a promotion, save up, prepare.

He fessed up and has apologised. I wouldn't be impressed but more because he thought it was OK to buy a woman's body who is probably doing it to feed her kids. Strangely I don't feel the same about women and male strippers as its an inverse power relationship and no man would feel ashamed or be treated differently for being a male stripper . Women generally dont commit sexual crimes. Also, for women they are very unlikely to be turned on by the experience and think its a laugh.

I accept and appreciate some people don’t mind their partners getting intimate with another persons genitalia. Equally flabbergasted and impressed at people who have that mindset, but it’s not for me. I know my husband would likely end our marriage if another man’s balls had been rubbed in my face. I set the same standard for him.

*In 1999 I was in her husbands exact same position, on my stag night the group of guys I was with dragged me to a club after a pub crawl. I was absolutely smashed but they still took me, and they paid a girl to dance for me.

Can you read?

You aren't on her h's position.

He chose to have a private dance and paid for it.

Yeah, I've had it from men that attendees on stage dos fucked the strippers.

Both in eastern European clubs and in Ireland (single stripper at stag do).

Sorry i meant to quote the poster who said she was told by exes that men on stage do's fucked the strippers on a boat.

Oh sorry, he says his friend paid for it.

What generous friends, when he wasn't even the stag

🤔

So generous hey 🤔

And thats absolutely your choice. If that's her choice that's fine. I'm not saying leaving if you want is wrong. I'm just saying she needs to consider everything before making that choice. Personally, I'm not sure a lap dance is worth losing a good 12 year relationship, having to hand over my young baby and toddler for dads parenting time or not seeing them Christmas morning or having to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work full time.

@ArcticSkewer
“You can't assume your friends told you everything they did btw. There is huge stigma around this kind of work. I have friends who used to waitress in a stripclub who used to do plenty more than waitress. They weren't even the strippers! But I don't give a shit so they were open enough to talk about it.”

You tell me repeatedly that my stripper friends could not have told me everything and I have no clue, but then in the same breath you go on about how your cocktail waitress friends told you absolutely everything that their stripper friends did?

Btw, I was a cocktail waitress in a strip club(but unlike your friends never sold sex acts on the side). I also worked as an exotic belly dancer which included performing in strip clubs (My performances had zero stripping and far less nudity than a bikini). We used to all go out to a late night breakfast when the club closed. So it seems I’m one step closer than you ever were. I agree there is stigma about this work mostly because people assume it always includes selling sex acts, which is why I never disclosed it and left those jobs off my CV when I started out on my career in the civil service.

“She'll decide to believe he didn't do much, it'll eat away at her, a few years later when the kids are older she'll find he's unfaithful/affair/sex workers and leave at that point. A poster upthread said something about types of men. These types of men take advantage of having the wife stuck home with young kids to get away with murder but it catches up sooner or later.“

The facts are he’s only done it once and on a stag do which is not unheard of as still an enduring practice. He didn’t conspire with a mate to propose marriage and then arrange a stag all so he could take “advantage” of a wife stuck at home with young kids to get a lap dance. And there’s no indication he’s sneaking off to bonk another woman or pay for prostitutes. If he were this “type of man” how could he go 12yrs without a lap dance? You know this type couldn’t go 12 days… There is a lot of wild speculation on your part.

Completely understand your point of view. And I love your username by the way!

Just where do you draw the line? It seems women have to tolerate soooo much more. Oh he’s cheated again, but it’s not worth throwing away my maternity leave and our marriage, and handing the babies over for the weekend, so I’ll stay? Or he’s hit me again, but it’s not worth throwing the marriage away? Everyone has a line/limit of what they’ll accept but it seems to always really suit the man. Women staying in shitty relationships and having to tolerate substandard behaviour just because it makes their life easier or is better for the children. The man never seems to take any of this into consideration when he’s getting boobs smacked around in his face! So many posters have come on here claiming that anyone who’d end their marriage over something so trivial is ridiculous. It seems some men are able to really push boundaries with little consequences. And it’s always made out to be the woman “throwing the relationship away” when she hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

these are rhetorical questions btw / me thinking out loud, they’re not aimed at you. I do understand and appreciate your point of view.

Doesn't matter who paid for it he still did it!

Absolutely Aussie agree. Depressing.

If the fact he went in the first didn’t put you off surely pulling the “the other boys made me do it” line would mean he can never be sexually attractive to you again.

Only on mumsnet would so many women end an otherwise happy marriage over a single lap dance on a stag do. In the real world it would be discussed and probably resolved.
Posters are so flippant with LTB comments on here and love to shame other women for "low standards" and putting up with "grim" behaviour without thinking about the genuine repercussions such comments could have on someone's life.
OP - it's not great but don't do anything rash, talk it through and go from there. It's a stupid mistake, he got carried away.
If this was a woman having a lapdance from a male stripper on her hen do I wonder if there would be such uproar then 🤔

He didn't do it on his stag do.

For many women, (myself included) it’s unthinkable that their partner would have a lot dance at a strip club. It just wouldn’t happen.

It’s not just a little dance or a bit of fun. It’s the fundamental difference in morals, that women are commodities to be bought and sold for sexual gratification.

I could not be married to a man who viewed women like this. It’s unthinkable and it wouldn’t happen.

Ending a marriage because of a fundamental disagreement in morals and ethics is not “flippant”. I couldn’t be married to someone who paid women to strip. Or smacked our children. Or kicked our dog. Or sold drugs etc etc

Morals are morals.

Don't make a life changing decision to leave your dh because he made this poor choice from the majority vote on here.
you have to decide if you can live with it,nobody else.Equally,when you have decided if you are going to do anything,don't allow anyone to away your decision.
if he is genuinely apologetic and you have a happy marriage and he knows that a second incident would have serious consequences maybe you feel you can move on together but let it be what you are comfortable with.💐

I'd say the line is individual to each person and isn't necessarily a line. The line for me is probably intent, and is heavily influenced by the background of the relationship.

Hit me once and you're out be damned the consequences. Long term affair? Out. Frequents prostitutes? Out. Those involve willful planning and deception. If things aren't going so well and he comes to me saying things aren't working and he's finding his eyes wandering because of that so wants to go to councelling or something to work on marriage before he cheats? I'd be upset but if its gone no further I'd respect that he's come to me and decide whether I want to work on it or split. If you have a parent with addiction issues for example you may have stronger boundaries around those things.

A man going out to a strip club getting a dance is a warning sign a few months into a relationship, but if they've been an otherwise good and faithful for 12 years before that misjudgement and are honest? Not marriage ending but I'd make damn sure they knew that was their one and only warning. If your DH was crap with the kids growing up, treats you like a glorified slave, you're not getting along and your grown kids have left home and he goes to a strip club leave him, but more because thats yet another example of disrespect and you should probably have left even without the stripper incident.

This won't be popular on mumsnet, but women go to male strip shows like 'magic mike' or whatever on hen do's or just for fun too. Women can and do abuse partners, lie and cheat. And men stay for the same reasons. They worry about losing their home, kids, money and how it looks.

It’s sad that we as women think of stag dos and generally accept and see them as a rite of passage and expect or accept these things because it was just a stag do, and someone else paid for it, they had to go and support some groom to be they know who’s about to be married etc etc. The husbands and partners then go knowing full well what they are going to, that they are going there to see semi or naked women dancing.
Open your eyes ladies.
Who voluntarily goes?
Who invented strip clubs and lap dances? Men.
We’ve been taught this is all “normal” yet many women validly say they don’t like it, it crosses a line. Husbands and partners can apologize all they like but they knew what they were going to. It’s no secret about stag dos. Think about it. You’ve been taught to accept it and so you wave your husband or partner off for the night while you the woman stay home and look after their babies. The OP here has a 4 month old. And yet we are taught oh well, too bad it’s okay.
But we know deep down it’s not okay. We don’t feel good about it. Don’t accept this nonsense and old fashion men pleasing activity ladies. Take the wedding out the picture, or the idea of a stag do and the “boys just being boys” and what do you have? Your man having a free ticket to go see and participate in naked dancing ladies activities. Don’t fall for it. Women have been sold this lie for centuries.

👏

I guess we all have different ideas of intimacy. For me, my husband being in a room alone with a naked women dancing and grinding in front of him, with very close visual access to her genitals is definitely intimate. Regardless of her being paid. In my anecdotal (and second hand) experience some also rub themselves on their customers, even if there is a no touching rule (as I understand there is most places). So basically, dry humping.

It's only not considered cheating because (1) it's paid for and (2) it's somehow socially accepted as an activity that men do.

I'm not a prude in the slightest, I don't like the idea of DH at a strip club but it isn't something I would get super angry about, but a private dance is a different level of intimacy that for me wouldn't be ok. (as I said, as a one off I wouldn't leave, but I would be very upset and be having clear words as to why).

I also don't agree with the slightly ridiculous "oh I'll tell him not to a kill a granny" comments. This is something which, as illustrated on this thread, it's black and white. Societally it's - kind of - acceptable. It's certainly legal. So it's not that crazy for two people to be on slightly different pages regarding to what extent it's problematic for them.

Sitting on your hands is a common rule in lap dance clubs.

There is no right or wrong here, you feel how you feel. If my fella got one dance as a one off I don't think I would mind but there are lots of qualifiers. If he did it regularly I would mind. It would also depend on him as a person, if he often perved on women or looked at porn. It would depend on how me made me feel, how he seemed to react to the dance, if he seemed to find the dance more exciting than me etc etc.

But if it is a clear straight up 'no way' line for you, that is also totally valid. Sorry you are feeling awful, I hope it works out somehow. Give yourself time and do what you need to do x