To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

Yabu giving so much already

You’ve helped her enough but it sounds like she thinks you are easy targets now. I’d hate to think of friends like that but the more you do the more she will want. Signpost her to help?

You're not getting your £500 back.

She is taking advantage.

I think you'll be lucky to ever see that 500 again. She's a user. Ditch and block.

YABVVU to give so much money to someone you apparently barely know, behind your DH’s back. You’re basically begging to be taken advantage of at this point. Behave.

Well you haven’t lent her the money. You’ve given it to her. How would she ever be able to repay if she only had £30 to last a few weeks.

Given that she’s your friend and has kids I’d probably just accept that this money has gone. But I’d also explain that I won’t be in a position to give her any more.

You gave someone you've only known £500+???

Your hubby is right, no more. The fact that she's blowing cold is an indication that she's been taking advantage. I wouldn't be sure that you'll get your money back either.

So between you you've given her £600? You're never getting that back op.

Lesson learnt.

You have given over a lot of money to someone you have not known for long. Why? There is help out there if she has no means with which to feed her children.

That’s a lot of money for a friendship of only a few months. If she drops you because you won’t lend more, then it’s not a true friendship is it? She’s showing her true colours. Blame dh if you must, I’m sure he won’t mind, but don’t lend any more ever. If she’s not desperately trying to pay you back, then that’s a worrying friendship red flag too.

You sound incredibly kind and generous. (I wish you were my friend!) I think you've done more than enough to help her. She needs to contact Citizens Advice or a similar charity for assistance with managing her debts and creating a budget otherwise she'll never dig herself out.

She's not your problem.

Step away, you'll make new friends.

You've lost a friend? A greedy friend? You won't get you're money back. Don't give anymore.

Stop op. You aren't helping her budget. Send her offers at local shop links instead..

I know it’s silly to lend people money but I grew up SO poor and so I always try and help others out, and probably always the wrong way. DH is the opposite he also grew up very poor so holds onto everything 😂😂😂.

thank you all for telling me exactly what I needed to hear, she just has the sweetest children and it’s the thought of them going without that gets me.

I missed you hadnt been friends that long. What’s the betting she doesn’t have many friends because she’s uses them and then moves on to the next mug. You’ve given more than enough, I say given because I doubt you’ll get that £500 back. You e not be truthful to your husband. Do not feel guilty you’ve done enough! Move on
.

But they aren't going without, if she can afford a night out they are hardly starving children.

And IF she IS choosing nights out over feeding her kids - then she's not a nice person and social services need to be called.

Ignore. You're not getting your money back and would be daft to give even more

If she only has thirty pounds to last her and her children a few weeks, why on earth is she on a night out in the first place?

Honestly OP - stop being a mug!

Her children aren't going without, I bet, it is a good way of getting your night out paid and getting some cash for nothing though. If they were, why is she on a night out?
As pp said, I'd be very, very surprised if you got any money back at all, let alone the full £500.

She saw you coming.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

This.

I doubt you will get any money back, but don't make it easier for her by writing it off.

Tell her that you're not working an times are tough she needs to repay the money by 5 Jan.

You really aren’t helping her by lending money anyway, not unless she is about to start a well paying job or something, otherwise it is only adding to the debt.

If I had a friend in such need, I would either give them money or I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t lend money and also it would only be a long standing friend.

I think you need to write the £600 off mentally and take a learning not to fall for that again.

You could have just lost a friend, but instead you've lost a friend and a good chunk of money.