To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

I've witnessed it time and again, so you're incorrect.

Someone who is always broke/financially irresponsible, will nearly always expect someone who is the opposite, to pay for them. Evidence? My own eyes.

No it doesn’t I have friends far worse of financially than me and friends far better of. Money has never come between us and never will.

Oh, I've been looking for a new mug.

Odd comment. This issue only occurs if one party is a CF/user, regardless of financial standing. I've come across many a CF in my time, and I assure you they come from all walks of life. Most people are capable of being friends with other people regardless of their financial situations...
OP, I'd write the money off in your head tbh so you don't rely on it - but I'd certainly not give up trying to get it back

this, I am unemployed this last year and living on benefits due to illness. I am skint and good friends with a headmistress who likely earns over 50k and various others on pretty good money. We go out for coffee sometimes and message each other etc. And if I got coffee I'd pay for my own.

It's not an issue and not on a month of Sundays would I ask them for cash or make hints at them for cash. Nor would they feel the need to give me anything. I wouldn't take anything either.

They know I'm broke but we are friends, they aren't my bank. Money doesn't come into it.

Dear Friend - I am sorry that you are struggling financially, I am happy to help you find support and help if you need it and to help look at your finances to see where you can possibly get some more money to make ends meet. I am here for you to talk whenever you need and always happy to have you over for a cuppa and the kids over to play but I cannot lend you any more money on top of the £100 DH gave you and the £500 that I gave you. I would appreciate if you would let me know when you plan to pay this back - just so we are clear that this is a loan and not a gift. I am happy to consider the amount I paid on our night out to cover your drinks as a one off gift.

I hope you find other friends - I suspect you are not the first person to have lent her money.

I wonder how many nights out she has had since she got £600 out of you.

How did you end up loaning her £500 after the night out? When she asked for it, didnt you bring it up? Surely you asked about the night out, how she had planned to pay for it, why she was out when she had no money.

How did you end up just saying yes to giving her £500 when you had seen with your own eyes how she was spending the very little money she had. She went on a night out instead of keeping her £30 to feed her kids. She got away with it coat you paid her bill and your husband gave her £100. Then you give her another £500 without questioning her behaviour.

That money is gone. You're not getting it back. If you're relying on your husband to fund your business start up then youd better own up to giving away £500.

How rude, I'm skint but I've never asked any of my much better of friends for money nor taken it when offered. It's not because they aren't on equal financial footing, it's because they are cheeky fuckers

I'd be bloody leaving you if you'd chucked £500 of family money at a friend without even talking to me about it first.

Such a stupid thing to do.

Yeah I think OP realises now that she shouldn't have lent the money, no need to stick the boot in.

I agree, “This dynamic” isn’t inevitable if friends have differing financial circumstances at all.

To add, I have three sisters and our lifestyles and income vary enormously. I’ve never asked for money from them and wouldn’t dream of dropping huge hints about my finances to garner money and sympathy.

To all the people saying op was a good soul etc for giving her the 500 quid, if an op came on mn saying she was supporting her husband and he gave his friend 500 quid he'd be called a cock lodger and roasted.

You are poor too. You have limited income as you say in OP.

Your husband on the other hand seems to be doing ok, and you should consider yourself very fortunate to have a husband capable of financially supporting you whilst you set up a business.

To make your friends financial situation your husbands problem is a pisstake.

You may want to think about whether your husband is really mean or just fed up with you being overly open handed. Mean people who ‘peel an orange in their pocket’ don’t usually give £100 to strangers or agree to be the sole financial support of the family while their partner sets up a business.

Yeah I think OP realises now that she shouldn't have lent the money, no need to stick the boot in

yea save that for men who do this on mn, when a woman does it then it's because she's compassionate,caring etc...

Haha thank you! I absolutely do, of course I feel very stupid. Luckily my husband won’t leave me over £500. Jesus, no wonder divorce rates are so high 😉 😂.

but , as I said lesson learnt and I won’t be doing it again. And I of course wouldn’t have lent £500 if it would have set us back or made us short on anything, I’m not totally irresponsible but it is a ridiculous amount to give someone. I’m just clearly a sucker for a sob story.

I think I will let her get Xmas out of the way before bringing it up, and then say I need it - like the above poster said perhaps say that the business is costing more than we originally planned.

You’ve been very kind and naive, sorry to say. You have helped her massively and she’s smacked you in the face by a) wanting more and b) not bothering to text you. You are now just a cash cow to her and it’s likely you’ll have to accept your £500 is gone. You should not have lent it, but on the positive side, it’s best you learnt that now rather than making a bigger mistake later on. People like her prey on people like you.

I would politely ask her when you can expect your £500 back.

Personally your friend sounds she does need help. She has reached out and to have very generously given her a loan but if that was my friend who would also make some time to sit down with her and go through her finances and see what she can do practically. Step change are a fantastic organisation who will help her to do things to stop the debts rolling - such as contacting creditors on her behalf. People are struggling, more so now than ever and sadly we are not all made equal in terms of safety nets. Personally, your friend needs you. I would encourage you to reach out.

You're right.

I had an ex who gave away 3 grand of joint money as a series of "loans" without telling me. I ended the relationship when I found out.

I saw the OPs first post and the red mist descended a bit and I posted without RTFT.

@Moneylender, apologies for sticking the boot in. Please tell your husband how much it was though, it'll be far better coming from you than if he spots it on the bank statements at some point in the future

What's the saying? Never lend money you can't afford to lose. She's probably borrowed money off all her friends, family and neighbours and you were her last post of call.

Write off the £500 and never lend money again. A woman I worked with asked me for £400 for childcare fees - I declined and later found she'd asked every single person in the department. Several had given her the full amount, so she had a lot of money in the bank by the end of the day, and no, she didn't pay anybody back.

This, I'm afraid.

You have been more than generous towards her. - Good heavens! She's had £600 from the two of you.

If she is genuine, then this extra debt will weigh very heavily on her and won't be good for her mental health. if she's not genuine, you continually subsidising her will not help her because she'll continue to spend beyond her means and leech off you, and nor will you keep her as a friend, because she will see you only as a cash cow.

It's hurtful I know,, but you may have to accept that she isn't a true friend to you. NewIdeas is right - tell her that you are sorry but that you aren't in a position yourself to let her haven more money. And in your heart write off what you have already given her. If you do ever get it back it will be a bonus..

I totally get what you’re saying, and will speak to him but I don’t think it is like it’s coming across. The imbalance in contributions is a new thing - I do have a lot of savings and have always worked. Now I’ve stopped to try this new business he is happy to support us while I try. He is a lovely kind and generous man, I call him mean in jest he would do anything for our family but just doesn’t have the sympathy for strangers that I stupidly do!

You're right.
I had an ex who gave away 3 grand of joint money as a series of "loans" without telling me. I ended the relationship when I found out.
I saw the OPs first post and the red mist descended a bit and I posted without RTFT.
@Moneylender, apologies for sticking the boot in. Please tell your husband how much it was though, it'll be far better coming from you than if he spots it on the bank statements at some point in the future

ok so you wouldn't stand for your ex doing it but make allowances for the op doing it?

Omg! That’s shocking! Does she still work there? I don’t know how she’d have the confidence to walk through the office - I’d be mortified!!