To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

You sound trusting , kind and a lovely friend . Op sounds like a user, relying on her children to get your sympathy.
Don't let her get away with any more 'borrowing' , it doesn't sound like you'll get it back , and please tell your husband about the extra cash you 'lent' her . Keep your integrity and his trust .

Agree!
You and your Dh already helped with the drinks and £100...why would ypu then give £500??

@Moneylender next time she asks, point out that you're still £500 out of pocket and you're having to scrimp for Christmas because some Cheeky Fucker hasn't paid you back when they owe you £££.
Anyway, lesson learned. Don't ever lend people money. They won't pay you back, and some will just ask for more.

I had a “friend” like yours. I realised in hindsight that her entire focus was to befriend me and move the friendship along to the point where she could get money from me. The minute I said I couldn’t help her, the friendship was worthless and over. I think my ex-friend found you.

Just be firm with her and say that until she pays back you are unable to lend any more .

OP you do sound lovely but I’m glad you’re learning your lesson ❤️ Thank you for the new saying - peel an orange in your pocket! I’m guessing you’ve translated that literally from another language, love it 😁

You need to stop calling it a loan. You're not getting it back.

This is a classic scenario. If you’ll lend her any more money you won’t see the friend or money. She won’t be able to pay it back and will start avoiding you. To be honest, I think the £500 has already done it. A shit situation for your friend, but it’s not your job to fix it.

Sorry but I don't understand how she could repay the £600 when she's skint now.

Did she say she had some money coming to her that she would repay you with? A new job?

Offer to help her budgeting, or resources to do so.

Completely agree. The lack of contact since you have been ignoring the hints shows you that she is just out for what she can get

But he gave her £100 - how can you say he isn't sympathetic.

I would've given her nothing.

the posters who asked if I’d met her friends, I have - I actually met her through mutual friends. Obviously I won’t be telling them at all, but it would be interesting to know if they’ve lent money too

They absolutely did

Hahaa I think it’s just an Irish saying 🤷🏽‍♀️😂 DH is Irish he says it all the time. They certainly have a way with words. His county are known for being “tight” with money, another Irish legend they have is that copper wire was invented by two men from his town fighting over a penny. 😂😂😂

This, 1000 times, if she was in such dire straits she wouldn’t be out partying… and even if she is, stop enabling her silly choices ( I say that as a single mother)

She works part time, and I assume receives some sort of universal credit.

Does he ever get tired of you joking that he's tight with money? He isn't, or he wouldn't have given her the 100.

Why should you pay for someone else’s poor lifestyle choices? She’s a chancer and manipulating you.

Another tight Country is Scotland ( My Family are from there originally- Highlands.
”Q: How do you prevent seasickness in a Scotsman?”
A: Get him to hold a sixpence between his teeth “

It’s an old one !

She needs to find a way to support her family that doesn't involve taking money from you. You've already given her £600. There's no one I would lend that sort of money to except for immediate family. I would not lend her any more money and I think you will be lucky to see that £500 again.

That means he is from Cavan then.......😂

I’m sorry your family has lost £600. Chalk it up to a life lesson and never lend money again: by all means GIVE money, but never loan.

Can I recommend that you communicate with her along the lines of setting up some sort of a repayment plan for the money you've loaned her that will begin in the new year? You will need to be firm and hold firm on this. She needs to repay that loan and she needs to be held to account for it, no matter how friendly or not she turns out to be.

Can I also suggest that you only loan out what you can do without yourself? £600 is not a small amount by anyones standards. If at the end of January, you need £400 of that back for your own reasons, can she readily pay it back? Probably not.
So, set about getting that payment plan set up so that you can get your money back starting in January. Early January.

A repayment plan? Oh, the money's gone. OP may as well have tied it to a brick and thrown it in the sea.

I'm quite poor, could I have £500, please? doe-eyed pleading look

Seriously though, they do say never loan to friends, always assume it's a gift. Then, if they pay it back it can be a nice surprise.
I'm sorry that someone who seemed to be a friend has even asked you for money as it puts one in an uncomfortable situation either way. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.