To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

You’ve been lovely and kind OP but I definitely wouldn’t give any more money. If she’s a true friend she’ll keep in touch regardless of any money, if not then you haven’t lost anything. You’ll make new friends who don’t expect money from you.

Imagine how many people who should be closer to her than you, a friend of only a few months. She's probably burned her bridge with them all before she got to you.

Maybe point her in the direction of CAP ( Christians against poverty). They help anyone, regardless of religion/ no religion. They will negotiate with creditors and help her budget better.

People like you are what makes the world a better place. But while your are spreading your kindness and generosity, there will be others taking advantage of you.

I really hope you get your £500 back. You can probably tell from some of the replies that we have learnt this lesson, some of us the hard way, just like you are doing.

I think you should still try hard to get your money back, and don’t be embarrassed about telling her straight.

Don’t let this experience stop you helping out in the future, just be more careful. Thank you for being you.

You’re right. I don’t know why I didn’t think.
She does work part time, so I did assume I’d get it back but I think that every single one of you are correct and I’m feeling very stupid now. When DH says it I always think it’s just him, as he’s the type to peel an orange in his pocket but clearly I am very naive.

lesson learnt mumsnetters 🫡🫡

This.

Sorry Op.
She must be a very convincing scammer to have got both you and your DH.
She's no friend.

Expensive lesson learnt.
Never lend or borrow money

If anything If she mentions trying to borrow money again I would just be blunt and say "friend me and my husband have already borrowed you £600, please stop trying to hint for more. You need to pay me back before I consider giving more."

Then don't give her another penny. More chance of getting it repaid if she thinks you'll give her more.

You’ve got a kind heart, but she’s seen you coming a mile off as fresh blood to leech off. Has she introduced you to any other local friends, by the way? If no, it’s because she’s taken what she could from them and they’ve ditched her.

don’t give her any more -because you’re not getting the £500 back, you don’t need to buy friendships

Absolutely saw you coming.

I think you were very wrong to give her money when you are not working and without being honest with your husband.

I think that is very wrong.

It is highly unlikely you will see that money again.

You barely know this woman and you have decided to put her ahead of your husband.

If the situation was reversed and your husband was giving money away, I would think HE was very wrong.

Text her to ask her when she can repay the money so that you have a record of the loan.

You are going down a dangerous path when you hide giving money from the family pot without checking with the person filling the pot.

Have a rethink about this.

She is not worth causing problems in your relationship for.

Sadly I think she saw you coming a mile off. Do you have anything in writing about the debt? I doubt she has any intention of paying you back anyway but if you just handed over the cash, you will have difficulty showing it wasn’t a gift.

I think you need to tell your husband what a large amount you handed over. He has probably assumed it’s around £50 or so since as a frugal person he would probably assume no one would give more than that to someone they barely knew with no proper repayment plan in place. I know it was your savings but if he is financially supporting you while you get your business off the ground, he needs to know.

@Moneylender Never, ever lend or give money to people like this.
It nearly always ruins friendships, Shakespeare was so right

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend. And borrower dulls the edge of husbandry.”

People who are routinely with the begging bowl out are absolutely not who you should be lending to.

If you want to support her as a charity case, give the money, but she's taking the p&ss in my opinion.

She was on a night out and only had £30 to last her and her kids a few weeks?? Then had £500 off you??
She's a CF that should get her priorities right! You're not likely to see that money again.

I'm pretty sure you'll never get the £500 back and I'd be terribly pissed if DH gave away £500 out of savings.

No. She’ll keep asking as long as you keep giving. She can’t rely on you as an income source.

Why is she going on nights out if she is so poor?
(clearly she knew she could get you to pay)

she is happy to spend money on herself despite being in debt and that should tell you something about her.

£500 is such a lot of money to give to someone, let alone someone you haven't known long.

Like others have said, you won't get it back, but at least you're prepared for that now and it won't come as a nasty shock after Christmas when she keeps making excuses.

You need to listen to your husband more and not be such an easy mark. And you need to tell him what you've done because hiding things from your husband is not the way to go, particularly when he's supporting you financially at the moment!

:( That's £600 you're never getting back.

Ignore her demands etc.

Ask her when she intends to pay you back - set up a payment plan £50 a week. I wouldn't let her get away with it (she probably still won't but I would definitely attempt to get it back and threaten her with taking her to court)

This woman goes on nights out while skint??

She leeches of others?

She's no friend.

She sounds like a seasoned blagger.

You are a kind soul, @Moneylender - just think, she could've done good things with that money (i.e. gifts for her children that otherwise could have gone without). I wouldn't lend anymore to her now, but you did a very nice thing x

So she's out on the piss but has no money to feed her kids.

I mean... come on.

I bet if you said no to her she'd soon fuck off out of your life onto the next chump

You're never getting that money back though.

If DH is really tight with money as you say, then why did he give her £100?

That doesn't sound like the type of thing someone who would "peel an orange in his pocket" would do.

I’m not normally prone to snark but is this really an AIBU, or is it a ‘please tell me what a wonderful person I am’

Yes we arranged over text because I said I will check what I can lend etc.

I don’t think DH wants to hear about it at all, I did tell him straight away that I’d lent money but he said he didn’t want to know anything about it (probably annoyed). I wouldn’t put him at a loss if I don’t receive it back either. I’m really lucky that he is supporting me so I absolutely should have ran it past him first.

to the posters who asked if I’d met her friends, I have - I actually met her through mutual friends. Obviously I won’t be telling them at all, but it would be interesting to know if they’ve lent money too.