To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

I doubt if you will get your money back.....and I doubt this "friend",and I use the word loosely,will be around for very much longer. Take it as a hard,and expensive lesson learnt. You could text her and tell her she needs to let you know when she is repaying you and your DH the money back though. Ya never know,she might scrabble some cash together for you after Xmas/new year. I wouldn't hold my breath though.

Anyone can fold their arms and suck breath in “you’ve done a silly thing she saw you coming etc”. There are far more unwise ways to lose money. Hopefully the children get some treats as a result. You know don’t “lend” any more. Let’s hope you might get some back. Sorry to raise this but any chance she may have drink/drug issue? Not always obvious.

If it's drink, drugs, or gambling, I doubt the kids got any treats as a result.

You'll never get that money back, best case is the next time she hints or asks, say you can only lend her more after she's paid you back first, tell her some stupid amount you'd be able to lend her next time (couple of grand), and if/when she pays you back, say sorry can't lend you anymore.

Yes do that
if you give me that 500 quid I lent you I'll lend you 5 grand.....
But when it comes to it ....
ooops sorry I lost it on the horses 👀
Play this grifter at her own game!

IF (big if) you think she is sincere, reach out, make it clear you cannot offer her anymore money but you can help her to look at her finances and find support. If she really wants help, not your money, then she will appreciate this.

If it's drink, drugs, or gambling, I doubt the kids got any treats as a result.

Yep. The kind of person who prioritises her kids is not out hitting the town enjoying herself with the last 30 pounds. She's scummy.

@Moneylender

You did what you did because you are a kind, empathetic and generous person.

Ok, it was naive, and sadly you've been badly burnt by the experience, but the fault doesn't lie with you.

It lies squarely at the feet of the woman who can have a night out when her children need her to spend the money on them rather than booze - or the woman who can convincingly lie through her teeth and claim poverty when in fact she's deliberately scamming a person whose good nature she has zero qualms about taking advantage of.

Like other posters, I'm afraid you've kissed that £500 goodbye, but consider it money well spent, because it's done two things: rid you of a person who is not a friend but a user at best and a practiced con at worst and taught you that all those adjectives I used to describe you in my opening sentence need to be aimed in a different direction.

You'd be a wonderful sponsor for a child in need; you'd be a super foster parent; you could volunteer as a Samaritan - there's lots of training, you're not expected to dive in on your first night! Many people fail so if you go on to be a call taker you know you CAN cope and that you could help save someone's life or sanity.

You could apply to help walk dogs and play with them at your local rescue centre - very important to the dogs' socialisation and sense of security. or if you have already got a well mannered dog, perhaps you could train together to be a therapy couple, visiting sick kids and adults in hospices and homes - the list of possibilities is huge!

Please don't let people who say you were foolish make you feel bad. It's 100% better to be a loving fool than an uncaring cynic.

💐

This thread made it into the Liverpool Echo today

Mum feels 'extremely guilty' after ignoring friend's money requests

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/mum-feels-extremely-guilty-after-28577573#ICID=Android_DailyRecordNewsApp_AppShare

Personally, I am not sure if your friend is taking advantage, however I respect your generosity and I am surprised of the many damming
comments on how you should not have given/lent her the money and how social services should be called because she is our one night! I wonder what people think one should do when struggling financially, or emotionally for that matter. Is it a question of grin and bear it, stiff upper lip and alike?

Personally, I am not sure if your friend is taking advantage

Most people with a couple of kids to feed don't go out for a night on the town when they only have, they say, "£30 to last a few weeks".

And most people don't accept large loans they have no means to repay, and then start hinting around for more money straight away.

A couple of months??? And you have lent her £500 🤯 Sorry but think she is just trying it on to see what she can get. I know it is hard when yer lonely but its worse when yer lonely and feeling like a total warlock for trusting / helping someone who takes ya for a fool. Try and see if you can meet some more people, I know it's hard but please don't try to replace loneliness with toxic people,it won't end well, good luck

The best thing someone ever told me was never lend money, give them what you can afford to give them and never expect it back.

Thank you for your kind words, and thanks to everyone else for the advice, harsh words (lol) and reassurance!

A small update, I was shopping with a mutual friend this week and ending up telling them. They have actually lent her a lot more money than I did, and not had it back either. The borrower has avoided both of our calls and texts for the last few days (I haven’t asked for the money just general how are yous).

I have decided I’m not going to bother chasing the money, like a lot of you said a small price to pay to get rid of a crap friend. She has now lost two friends that were very good to her so it’s her own loss really. I also spoke to my DH and he said the same. He said she seems like trouble and drama and that he’d rather I just stayed away. (and he’s not leaving me to those who suggested it 😜😜) Hopefully she gets a conscience and pays it back but I’m not going to lose sleep over it, it’s just not worth it there’s enough upset in the world already to be worrying about.

Also, the Liverpool echo? Must be a slow news day… why don’t you run a story on The shocking amount of people living in severe poverty in the UK? Food banks stretched to max capacity, children going hungry, families unable to afford Christmas, and how our greedy government are doing NOTHING to help other than painting over cracks. You’ll probably find the material here even 🧐

I am glad you feel better. I wish I'd confided in my work mates at the time when the borrower started getting to me, I used to dread coming into the staff room to see her loitering around my desk. It would have been good to know I wasn't alone in being targeted. The night she was repossessed she came to my house asking for money so she could find a flat to rent with her family, they'd been separated in different hostels and her dog sent to a rescue. I was really really sad for her but I was pregnant and just about to leave work, we only had enough money to see me through six weeks of maternity pay. I'm sorry this has happened to you, onwards and upwards.

@Moneylender Thanks for updating us all. I take it the Liverpool Echo just performed a Daily Fail act and stole your thread for themselves? Such incredibly lazy journalism! 🙄

I'm glad you've decided on your plan of action (no action, lol) and can now free that space in your mind for something much more fun.

Wishing you - a tad in advance, but why not? - a very Happy Christmas.🙃

They have actually lent her a lot more money than I did, and not had it back either
How does she manage to stop her victims from collaborating sooner? I guess she hones her skills as she goes and when she's about to be ratted out she leaves the area?
Doncha feel like getting together and taking her to court? Maybe you have a 6th sense that she has worse tricks up her sleeve?

Thanks for the update and it might be worth letting people know what's happened as a warning. You don't have to name her just say 'Heads up everyone. I've been scammed by a person for £600 & she's done it to others. No sign of repayment either.'

She borrowed more than 500 off another friend

madness

sorry you have both lost money

See it as a lesson and paying her to go away. I've had to in the past, one 'friend' in particular, at first I'd just cover taxi fares, drinks, stuff like that. Then she was desperate about a bill or whatever and just wanted money all the time. Cut contact after an unbelievable amount of drama from her. Fast forward several years, a mutual friend of ours, who is a total sweetheart, got in touch to say ex friend was sniffing around a previous haunt of theirs. Wanted to warn me, I told her about losing maybe 200 quid in all, turned out sweetheart friend had lost 10 times that to the same scamming little toad in our midst (apologies to real toads). Laughing at myself now, thought I was so wordly wise, but still got suckered by a sob story.

You have lent because you truly don't want to see someone you care about hit the wall.

Literally my father's only words of advice were 'Never lend what you can't afford to say goodbye to' and I have used those words of advice since.

If someone (family or friend) asks me for a loan I think can I afford to never see this again? It honestly has worked a charm for me... sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

Being myself, I'd tell her something like, "I'm sorry things are so difficult. It feels like you're hinting that you want more money from me. If that's the case I'll say here that I've already lent you what I feel comfortable with." Or words to that effect. Why pussy foot around?

"

Stupid comment. You never know when you might experience financial hardship. Does that mean you have to stop been friends because they're suddenly worse off than you?

I'm a professional with a good income but we struggled when my son was in hospital for over a year.

Doesn't ever give people an excuse to con their friends !

I have been in your situation decades ago. I lent a friend £250. I didn't lend further money and I did eventually get the money back when my (now) ExH found out I'd leant it and insisted on a repayment plan with my friend.

I hadn't assumed I'd get it back but I'd given her money from a joint account as I didn't have my own money.

After this she didn't ask for more money but what I was able to do easily was add to my weekly shop and drop a bag of groceries around to her.

If you are worried about the children going without are you in a position to buy some food for the children so you know they being fed?

10 months later…. Wonder if OP ever did get her money back?