To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

If she tries again then reply with contact details of debt charities. This will help her so much more then continually bailing her out long term.
Sort out a affordable repayment plan of £20 a month it will take a long time but also have the benefit of her learning debt management!

Omg! That’s shocking! Does she still work there? I don’t know how she’d have the confidence to walk through the office - I’d be mortified

cfers don't have shame in the same way psychopaths have no remorse.

Lending people money is nearly always a no win situation.

Normally you're better off just giving it to them if you want to help out.

It's never a good idea to lend money. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. It's a surefire way to lose friends.

YABU to have given her so much money. That's ridiculous. Consider that money gone, a true friend would be awash with gratitude and not keep asking you for dosh, she's seen you coming. I bet she hasn't repaid any of it, made mention of repaying it or set up a payment plan.

Omg cannot believe people would ask their colleagues for money.

Sorry, not sure what you mean. Op isn't my partner, so its not for me to make allowances.

I've apologised for posting in anger when I should have read the whole thread, and offered some advice based on my previous situation. I'd have been a lot less likely to end the relationship had my ex been upfront rather than hide the situation.

I doubt you’re getting your money back and she’s binning you off. I can’t believe you gave someone you hardly know so much money and also didn’t tell your husband when he’s financially supporting uou,

you can’t buy friendship op.

Bloody hell, I would NEVER borrow a penny from a friend, unless it really was a case of without doing so, I would have ZERO way of feeding my child that day. Even then, it would be £5 maximum and would be paid back ASAP, with a bunch of flowers and a heartfelt thank you. Otherwise, never ever, ever.

You're a very good person OP. So is your DH. You deserve a better friend than her

Btw, tell her to call her local county council and ask for the Local Assistance Fund. They will provide her with £40 shopping vouchers and if she has prepayment meters for her utilities, they will also top those up for her

You've been rinsed, you need to up your game.
The request for 30 quid is a tester to see what she can get away with, you went from lending 30 quid to lending 500 quid, that tells her you're a soft touch.

You are not mean or stupid OP.
I think you're thoughtful, kind and you’ve absolutely been the better person in this situation. I’d suggest cool the friendship off and have a frank conversation about the loan of £500 and a firm, written repayment plan.
It seems like she’s done the cooling off herself, perhaps embarrassment in her inability to repay as in my experience very few people are really that calculating to deliberately befriend some one to con them out of money. She shouldn’t have accepted it without a plan to pay you back. She sounds a bit chaotic.

I grew up poor too and I wouldn't dream of handing over £500. When you're really poor and not just frittering money away, you can feed your family for a month with a fraction of that. I think she's taking the piss and not actually in need.

My most memorable week was when dinner was pasta with a little vegetable oil. My parents had literally nothing in the bank for 3 weeks after their car broke down and by the final week before payday all we had left in the house was porridge oats for breakfast (made with water), dried pasta, vegetable oil, salt and pepper. It was a particularly hard month but in normal months they had to make small amounts of money stretch. If someone like your DH had offered £50, they'd have told him £10 would be enough to see them through. I'm not talking about way back in the good old days when everyone was poor either, it was only the late 90s/early 00s.

@Moneylender why would you not tell your mutual friends? It’s not your shame to hide from it’s hers. You could play her at her own game and message brightly asking to meet up for coffee, keep her on board if you have more chance of getting your money back. Then message a repayment plan for the money. Then take her to small claims. And then tell all mutual friends.
agree she’s a shit parent if going on a night out over food for her kids. People are crossing heating or eating and she’s choosing alcohol and not even cheap drink alcohol at home.

What do you mean cool the relationship the woman’s binning her off. She was only playing nice for cash

Yabu for feeling guilty and considering any more. £600 is a lot to give out and most people are also in debt right now due to gas/ electric bills being way out of reach for many.
I'm in debt myself and would never lend off anyone i knew, don't lend any more! It doesnt help. She needs to seek money advice from a local service.

Yup, she saw you coming.

The reason she goes on nights out despite supposedly having 30 quid to last for weeks is because she knows perfectly well she can come out with some sob story about her poor children etc blah blah and some soft touch will then pay for her meal/drinks. DH showed you were both potentially a soft touch by giving her 100, then a few days later you stumped up yet more.

It's easier to just say you don't lend to anyone ever. You won't be getting that money back. If someone is in debt and only has a few quid to last a particular length of time then how on earth do you think they will pay a larger sum of money back to a random not very close friend.

For others reading this thread, don't lend money. If someone is really desperate - kids have no food - you could take them to the shops and get shopping in for them but then sit down with them and recommend places where they can get help; how to get access to food bank etc. Rather than just throwing your own money at the problem which is just going to make things worse as it's not dealing with the root of the problem.

Borrow*^

So very sorry. A woman at work was always broke and on the cadge for money, I lost count of how many fivers I gave her. I stopped when she ordered from my catalogue and her cheque bounced, costing me about £8 at the time. She lived in the same road as our work, and very sadly, lost her house in the end, it was repossessed and her possessions thrown into a skip on the road. Years later I found out she did this to other people at work as well, it wasn't just me.

If it was me I would maybe lend a tenner but if they ask for another 10 i say I'm sorry I can't afford it until you pay me back what I lent you!
Don't be a mug people!

Well most of us have been in that position at some point. I'm not working at the moment, but I wouldn't have a night out knowing I only had £30 to last the week?! That's terrible she did so, with children to consider. Between you both, she's recieved £600. Do not lend any more. Reccomend debt consolidation and food banks. Just tell her you're not working right now, and you've given her all you can. If she ignores you, well kiss your money goodbye. But don't feel bad, you did a very kind thing, and I believe in karma.

I would keep emailing her spreadsheet with a potential repayment plan

There is a so much meanness in the world OP - whatever her situation you did a kind and open hearted gesture.

I will say something though about 'generosity' like this where there is a big imbalance between giver / lender and the person borrowing.

When I was younger I gave/ lent money a few times because I knew I was better off - deep in my heart it was guilt/ embarassment at having more than others I thought I should keep sharing

But it put the other person in a not nice position - knowing they would not realistically be able to pay me back

It's like loan sharks - they lend, and the other person feels guilty and ashamed but can't pay back - if someone is not coping financially the worst thing they can do is borrow short term - and after xmas is absolutely short term

She needs to pay bills and xmas presents - how on earth will she have 500 pounds extra in January or february?

As an adult, take the responsibility it was a poor decision to help her get further in debt - kind as it was meant.

You gave her £600 and she's been hinting for more?! I would kiss that £600 goodbye. She doesn't sound the type to pay people back.

If she hints or asks again, tell her, actually, we're skint, I need that money back.

She definitely saw both of you coming. YABU but it sounds like you can afford it since your husband handed over a hundred quid in the first place.