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Original poster

To ignore friends hints for money

333 replies

Moneylender · 22/11/2022 10:08

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

OP posts:
Tsort · 22/11/2022 10:58

Goldpaw · 22/11/2022 10:55

If DH is really tight with money as you say, then why did he give her £100?

That doesn't sound like the type of thing someone who would "peel an orange in his pocket" would do.

Agreed. He doesn’t sound tight at all.

OP, do you think ‘tight’ = ‘will not let me give away all our money in my bid to purchase friends’?

If you’re worried about being lonely, maybe get a job?

Mooshroo · 22/11/2022 10:59

She doesn’t need X amount to get out of the red, she’s still in the red but you’re the lender now instead of a bank etc. That indicates to me she doesn’t intend to repay.

Ragwort · 22/11/2022 11:00

You will never see that money again ... we've (stupidly) done the same thing - twice Blush lent two separate people - one a family member - fairly large sums to pay their deposit on a rental otherwise they would have had nowhere to live ... we never saw the money again.

If your friend is really struggling help her to get in touch with the local Food Bank, Citizens Advice, Christians Against Poverty or similar organisations.

SmileyClare · 22/11/2022 11:01

She shouldn’t keep hinting and asking, it puts you as a kind hearted person in the difficult position of saying No and feeling bad about that.

You could put a little Christmas box together if you feel sympathetic towards her children. A couple of selection boxes, some Christmas food treats, crackers or whatever.

As already suggested, point her in the direction of charities or the Citizen’s advice bureau for debt advice and to check she is claiming the benefits she’s entitled to.

Perhaps she is desperate , with no support and really struggling to afford life, and feels dreadful to ask, perhaps she wastes money and is taking advantage.

I doubt you know her well enough to judge her intentions.

LadyKenya · 22/11/2022 11:02

Surely the husband would be curious as to how much was given to this person?

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 22/11/2022 11:03

Oh, people begging for money is so annoying. Me and my husband have struggled badly in the past, probably 15 years or more back, where we really struggled and were quite a bit in debt and we never ever asked anybody for any money, nor would we have accepted it.

We are OK now, but from the outside we look like doing quite well. We've got a lovely little house in a rural area, a 5 year-old car, and we have our head above water, we've got around £5000 pounds savings in the bank, and a little bit of surplus each month, but we're not absolutely rolling in it.

Also my husband has a job where, if he has any time off, he doesn't get paid except the 97 pounds a week sick pay. He actually had eight weeks off on the sick a year ago because he had to have an operation, and it really affected us financially. He lost what must have been a couple of thousand pounds in wages.

As I say on the outside, we look OK, and we don't complain about anything. In the last 2 years, THREE women at DH's workplace, three different single women in their 40s and 50s are always hinting at him about money. 'Oh, I'm so broke I can't afford my bills. I don't know how I'm going to feed my kids. I can't afford my electric and gas bill. You've got plenty of money haven't you? I'm really, really struggling. I can't even find the money for my rent.' They sing this tune to a couple of other men too. Just the men.

One woman - the one of the three whose kids have left home, he has known for about 10 years, and she has had four different boyfriends in that time and has never been without a man until March this year when her most recent one dumped her. Every single one of them have never lived with her but have paid her rent, bought her mobile phones and jewellery and flashy luxury goods. Half the money she earned has been pin money.

She is 53. And single. Just lives on her own. Her 2 kids are adults now and moved out about 9-10 years ago. She has been single now for 8 months and she can't seem to find a new boyfriend anymore, and she's done nothing for the last six or seven months but hint at my husband and two other men at work that she needs money. One single man, and other two (incl DH) are married. She's actually looking to them to give her money. It's most bizarre. Some people are just absolutely bloody shameless.

@Moneylender Tell 'friends' like this that you have no money to lend them

Addicted2Kale · 22/11/2022 11:03

I don't why people are friends with people who aren't on an equal financial footing. This dynamic always occurs eventually.

Peteryougit · 22/11/2022 11:04

You have been more than generous.

Friendofdennis · 22/11/2022 11:05

you lent/gave her money because you are compassionate I would not expect to get that money back though as she probably doesn’t have the means to repay you. As far as her debts are concerned there are organisations which can help her with that. Christians Against Poverty and Step Change are both very good

Lampzade · 22/11/2022 11:06

Bet she has left behind a trail of ‘friends’ who have given her money.
She is probably onto her next victim
I have had experience of people like this. You never get the money back and furthermore they will slag you off to all and sundry just because you asked for YOUR money back.

thewolfandthesheep · 22/11/2022 11:06

She had 30, then now 600 but cannot make that stretch ? She is not your friend.

RightBackAtYa · 22/11/2022 11:07

I think you need to address her hints head on as a pp said just tell her no more money until she's paid you back
She's taking you for a mug , stop her

DozyFox · 22/11/2022 11:08

Addicted2Kale · 22/11/2022 11:03

I don't why people are friends with people who aren't on an equal financial footing. This dynamic always occurs eventually.

Odd comment. This issue only occurs if one party is a CF/user, regardless of financial standing. I've come across many a CF in my time, and I assure you they come from all walks of life. Most people are capable of being friends with other people regardless of their financial situations...

OP, I'd write the money off in your head tbh so you don't rely on it - but I'd certainly not give up trying to get it back.

KatherineJaneway · 22/11/2022 11:12

Agree with some PP's, you'll never see that £500 again. You need to stop thinking about giving her any further money or she'll bleed you dry.

Dinoteeth · 22/11/2022 11:12

You could put a little Christmas box together if you feel sympathetic towards her children. A couple of selection boxes, some Christmas food treats, crackers or whatever.

No definitely not please do not encourage the Op to give anything else to this person.

Op give her nothing, not a single penny, no more subsidising coffees and nights out no more loans.
Dont let her think you feel sorry for the kids, No puppy dog eyes saying she can't afford Christmas, or gloves for her kids.

Zero, zilch, Nothing.
The minute you make it clear the bank has shut you won't see her for dust.
Give her nothing else

Greggsyumyumsmum · 22/11/2022 11:12

tell her youre actually struggling yourself, that your husband is upset that you can no longer afford your business set up costs on your own, and he is now in the position where he has to continue solely supporting the family, which is more of a struggle than he had let on.

Her reaction will tell you all that you need to know about your friendship, and her intentions. my concern is that she has continued to take, and from someone who she barely knows.

Bananarama21 · 22/11/2022 11:13

Shes a chancer. She's only got 30 quid but on a night out. She's played you both and is trying for more.

Emmamoo89 · 22/11/2022 11:13

Addicted2Kale · 22/11/2022 11:03

I don't why people are friends with people who aren't on an equal financial footing. This dynamic always occurs eventually.

Stupid comment and no it doesn't. I'm friends with people who earn more or less and would never ask for money and if I've been asked I always get it back.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/11/2022 11:17

You're too kind and she's a user.

polio999 · 22/11/2022 11:18

She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks

never listen to sob stories, they are generally bollox.

PumpkinQueens · 22/11/2022 11:21

If she gave a damn about money and paying for her children she wouldn’t have been out drinking in the first place.

polio999 · 22/11/2022 11:23

In the last 2 years, THREE women at DH's workplace, three different single women in their 40s and 50s are always hinting at him about money. 'Oh, I'm so broke I can't afford my bills. I don't know how I'm going to feed my kids. I can't afford my electric and gas bill. You've got plenty of money haven't you? I'm really, really struggling. I can't even find the money for my rent.' They sing this tune to a couple of other men too. Just the men.
One woman - the one of the three whose kids have left home, he has known for about 10 years, and she has had four different boyfriends in that time and has never been without a man until March this year when her most recent one dumped her. Every single one of them have never lived with her but have paid her rent, bought her mobile phones and jewellery and flashy luxury goods. Half the money she earned has been pin money.
She is 53. And single. Just lives on her own. Her 2 kids are adults now and moved out about 9-10 years ago. She has been single now for 8 months and she can't seem to find a new boyfriend anymore, and she's done nothing for the last six or seven months but hint at my husband and two other men at work that she needs money. One single man, and other two (incl DH) are married. She's actually looking to them to give her money. It's most bizarre. Some people are just absolutely bloody shameless

holy fuck, I can't imagine a person asking/hinting cash of colleagues. How inappropriate, I sometimes think mn reality and the real world are 2 different dimensions.

midsomermurderess · 22/11/2022 11:25

That’s a lot of money you and your husband have given her and I’d agree that you’re unlikely to get it back. I think you’d be wise to step back from this relationship. In any event, I don’t think friendships can withstand frequent expectations of money being given. It’s exploiting your good will.

Whoopy · 22/11/2022 11:25

So she only had £30 to last her for a few weeks, but she decided to have a night out and have nothing to last her for a few weeks. 🤔

Yes, she definitely saw you coming! Very kind of you to pay for her night out and give her £600!

Fundays12 · 22/11/2022 11:26

OP you sound a lovely kind person but she is taking advantage of you. If she only had £30 to her name she shouldn’t have been on a night out in the first place. That £30 could have fed her kids for a few days. If she is prioritising nights out over feeding he kids then in my opinion she is a terrible mum and those kids need professional help. I don’t grudge any parent a night out and both me and dh have the odd one but never at the expense of our kids. We only do it if we have enough money and if our 3 kids don’t need anything.

I recently pointed out to someone close to me who was repeatedly saying that poor X is so skint. She was going on and on about about poor X doesn’t earn much and she had to buy X child’s school uniform because they are so poor that X had been on a weekend long drinking session and that the average cost of a cocktail is £12 a drink so her and her partner spent a minimum of £24 on 2 cocktails alone but yet can’t find the money to spend £22.00 on 2 school jumpers for X child. If other people are paying for someone’s children while the parents drink and party the parents priorities are in the wrong place. There finances may well be fine if they chose to prioritise there childrens needs over there own wants.

Don’t give her more money if she really needs help give her advise and direct her to support sites. Your nor her bank account and she shouldn’t expect you to be.