Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

Neither do we...nor has OP implied any of the above other than saying his friends are single and like to party. She even says he's a good father.

You've created an entire narrative based on very little information and can't accept that perhaps, just perhaps, these men might not be aggressive drug addicts.

I'd be worried about you if I cared enough.

60 people in my house for my 50th. Nothing broken. No one sick. No drugs.

People need to just deal with the OP's question and stop making up scenarios and presenting them as fact.

The Ex owns half of the house
He's a good dad
The OP is moving out soon
She won't be in that night and nor will the children.

No one's plans for the evening are being disrupted by the event.

However:

The OP is entitled to feel how she feels because it's also her home albeit for the time being

He hasn't paid this month's mortgage and bills
He has new friends that she doesn't know so can't 'risk assess' as she would have been able to with their former friendship group
He's in a relationship with a woman who he was sleeping with whilst married and so the OP feels uncomfortable with the request

I think the OP can tell him she doesn't want to allow this. In her position I would probably feel the same. But I don't think he is outrageously unreasonable to ask to use a house he owns half of on a night when he knows she's not there to celebrate his 40th birthday.

🤣

👏👏👏

So are his kids going to be asleep in their bedrooms during the party? With him making sure he stays sober enough to look after them, and the party stays quiet enough not to disturb them? That’s what would be happening if he lived there with the kids, after all.

As long as there’s a lock on your bedroom door so that doesn’t get used at all,
and he hires professional cleaners to make sure the house is spotless after the party
and he looks after his children
and it’s the kind of party that adult parents have when their kids are asleep upstairs
and he pays for you to spend the night in a hotel, since he’s using your home,

then I don’t see why that shouldn’t work …

@JellyBabiesSaveLives he wants her and the kids to vacate the property to have his soiree!

OMG I can’t believe how many responses there have been!!!! I haven’t read to the end yet but a few clarifications:

We are not selling the family home, I am moving out and he is moving back in.

He hasn’t refused to pay the mortgage (he just hasn’t paid it yet this month, but he has been late paying before), and is not holding payment hostage re the party.

We have been together 12 years (incl 5 child free years). I know what the party will be like…. Not a cheese and wine dinner party!

He’s great Dad. I don’t want to fall
out with him about this so I want to be reasonable about this (hence this post) so I am willing to consider all the options.

The best thing to do is discuss it like reasonable adults which e im sure you are ( unlike some posters) and not listen to some of the more extreme made up scenarios on here .

Your personal things and your papers and everything are still in there, you are split up, I just think it's a bit of an invasion of privacy. Plus you'd have to do work cleaning before the party, how does that make sense? And his new girlfriend who he was with when he was still with you? Just no. After you move out, he can have as many parties as he likes.

He's funny!

No!

just because he is contributing to the mortgage doesn’t give him the right to use it as a party for room.

it is your childrens safe and secure home. Not for drunk strangers to be in after they’ve already suffered the break up

Op I would discount some of the posts whom seem to think your children's feelings, toys, family home are irrelevant as long as party boy can continue his plans undeterred! I can't believe he has even had the audacity to ask you.

I would question why are doubting yourself op, it is likely that:

• Your space and things may well feel violated or worse damaged
• Your ex has checked out of his responsibilities to the family unit how can you trust him now?
• Why is a party his priority of all things - it should be his children - where are they in all of this?
• He is likely to sleep in your bed with his new gf, where else will they sleep? And seriously who can even tolerate that after a 12 year relationship and the ending being so soon. How would that feel?
• Why are his needs more important than yours and your children's?

I despair at some of the posts on here condoning his party plans. You barely know the people invited, and there are likely to be many more that you don't. I am sorry op, you probably have barely got to grips with the ending of your marriage, and now you are dealing with his unreasonable and childish demands for a birthday party. He sounds like an utter selfish shit, and you are well shot of him in the long run.

This and OP's own posts are the most measured. There's a lot of projecting elsewhere. Feels like OP will make the right decision either way and all will be well.

I wouldn't have a problem with that if it's asked six weeks before.

OP, neither of you are being unreasonable here. I understand that you feel somewhat uncomfortable l and I understand that he wants to have a party for a significant birthday in his own house. It would be best if you can get to a compromise. I like the idea of a no-go area, preferable locked bedrooms or something like that. Maybe he can pay for professional cleaners before and after? Would something like that make it acceptable?

I’m sorry if this is inappropriate as it is beyond the scope of your post but are you married, and have you taken legal advice regarding the arrangement for the family home? Is he buying you out?

No, you (and others) were right.The OP said

He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there.

Use of the word 'party' as a verb plus 'used to partake' is pretty clear to me, and it's not talking about jelly and icecream.

He can have a party in the place where he lives now, not the place you and the kids live!

“I'm sure many, many, many people have parties at home on NYE with kids in the house and alcohol being consumed. Should those be banned too?”

I presume the people who live in those homes will be allowed to attend the party though, unlike the OP? Or is it reasonable to kick someone out of their (and their kids) home so you can have a party in the house you won’t be living in for another few months.

Whilst his separated wife and kids are residing in that house he has no right to use it as his home.

I’d be really adult and friendly and say on paper this sounds like a great idea, but here are my worries wonder if you can help me with these and then let’s talk about it a bit more

I’m not making up scenarios. I was replying to someone who asked why the presumption of drugs and explained a reasonable explanation.

As for comments about 40 year old professionals not doing drugs.

Thats funny. Someone should let some people know this in the City of London for example and other professional areas.

It’s a couple of years old but still rampant

amp.theguardian.com/society/2017/sep/09/city-firms-failing-to-tackle-cocaine-crisis

Can find news articles from across the country including from the various police forces.

Of course it’s possible to go out not do drugs and have a good time. Just don’t assume that all 40+ year old aren’t doing them.

My heckles would be up, but looking at it objectively, perhaps you can explore with him what the boundaries are: areas of the house, timing, him pre-cleaning (as opposed to tidying), agreeing on how to tell kids to avoid confusion.

If you can't agree boundaries, it can't happen.

@BoobsAhoy and @Abundanceofcare Yes, I’m thinking of telling him what my worries/issues are and let him suggest ways of addressing those… and see what he says and how the conversation goes :-s He’ll probably tell me I’m being unreasonable and controlling, in which case I’ll change the locks 😂(joke!)

The alternative is say yes to the party, but on the condition that me and my friends are all invited too. Make sure I look smoking hot and take a hot date! I can guard/sleep in my own bed then!

In an ideal world that would be amazing, but unfortunately I haven’t got the headspace to pull that off at the moment.

You've said you'd likely be out anyway
It's a big milestone birthday. It's his house and it's unfair just because you couldn't find somewhere before January that he has to continue with his life on hold.
It also sounds a bit over dramatised ..they're not 21, they're middle aged men going through a little crisis period. They aren't going to be hot boxing your children's rooms and swinging from the lights.
And hate to come off cold but that is life that people move on and have new partners. I do think sleeping together in your marital bed is a bit weird though but again, this time in two months it won't even be your bed and you'll be free from it all.
If the place is ruined, who cares? You're not there a couple of weeks later! Feels quite petty to me