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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants NY party in my home

269 replies

NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 06:40

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 22/11/2022 10:19

I'm a hell no on this one. This is your home, the place you are raising his children. I'm assuming he earns considerably more than you, because you've been the main caregiver. I can't imagine being happy with him bringing his mates and girlfriend into my home for a drinking session and potentially having her poking around my stuff, laughing at my choices in clothing etc. You deserve the dignity of having quiet and private enjoyment of your home. Its his 40th birthday, not his 4th. He can have his party once his wife and children have moved out.

user1471457751 · 22/11/2022 10:21

Onthebrink87 · 22/11/2022 10:16

I was thinking exactly the same!

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And does your landlord pay half the mortgage and bills? Not really the same situation, is it?

Toomanysleepycats · 22/11/2022 10:21

Can you counter offer with something you are comfortable with like a dinner party?

My ex is a party animal and for all the reasons you list, I would feel the same about a party in a house I was about to sell.

Even if you know how he won’t do a dinner you have at least shown it’s the party you object to, not him using the house.

Alternatively, does he have a friend who would offer to host the party? If it’s a good joint friend, could you ask directly?

x2boys · 22/11/2022 10:23

DorritLittle · 22/11/2022 10:18

Agree about landlords. He may own some or all of the house but OP and his kids are living in it.

But he isnt a landlord he agreed to move out but he could just as easily move back in ,which is an entirely different scenario ,to a landlord choosing to have a party in a house they rent out

pantsville · 22/11/2022 10:27

I don’t think what’s legally allowed is going to be very useful in this instance. It’s not the husbands access to the property that’s in question. It seems like the issue is he’s asking to bring a group of strangers into the home he’s agreed OP/kids can live in til sometime in January, and that he’s also asking them to leave the property to facilitate this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2022 10:36

Tell him to have it either at his house (if his flatmates agree) or at his girlfriend's house.

The family home is for family, not a bunch of pissed strangers. Where would you and the DC be?

slashlover · 22/11/2022 10:38

RFPO77 · 22/11/2022 08:38

It may be his house but it's no longer his home, he doesn't live there, it's the OP and her DCs home. Would you recommend those renting properties clear out for the evening so their landlord can have a party? 🙄

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You realise that he'd be perfectly entitled to move back in if he wanted?

girlmom21 · 22/11/2022 10:38

@Chdjdn might teach him to grow up and stop trying to live like a student

JustCakeInDrag · 22/11/2022 10:41

Sorry, I'm not clear - is he moving in to the house once you move out?

Onthebrink87 · 22/11/2022 10:48

user1471457751 · 22/11/2022 10:21

And does your landlord pay half the mortgage and bills? Not really the same situation, is it?

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The situation is that OP is expected to be happy to have complete strangers party in her family home. I don't really see how the person who's inviting the strangers, be that a spouse a landlord or the Archbishop of Canterbury makes much of a difference. Everyone's idea of a party is different so how can OP possibly know if that's a reasonable expectation if she doesn't know those attending?

Chdjdn · 22/11/2022 10:55

@girlmom21 would it? He’s paying half the house so hardly living like a student and more likely that it will just cause more conflict for the children

starfishmummy · 22/11/2022 10:57

Probably not a popular answer but if you have somewhere else you can be that night and you can get things boxed up and precious valuables/important papers somewhere safe (which you'd probably be doing anyway prior to the move) then I'd say yes.

My reasoning would be that there might be things you want from him....although that's assuming he behaves like most human beings would.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/11/2022 10:59

yousexybugger · 22/11/2022 09:51

It's about the details.

If he wanted to invite some friends round, who were well known to you, for some drinks, takeaway/ pre made food, music and a catch up, perhaps on to a club after, that type of party, that might be one thing. These sorts of friends would understand the lie of the land and respect your space and children's belongings so you wouldn't have to do a massive tidy up. It could maybe be a nice gesture to let him do so, since he is in a shared house, on the proviso that a thorough cleanup is done and bedrooms are out of bounds.

But it's not that. He wants to invite a load of party animals you don't know for a big sesh. You suspect there may be drugs and that he will bring a new girlfriend into your bed when there was some crossover. That isn't appropriate. He can arrange a night out instead.

Just let him know that yes, it's his birthday and partly his house but you don't want people you don't really know coming for a big party in your children's space. If he's moving in then he can have as many parties as he likes but that is your decision. It's not about you wanting to use the house on the night, simply about the security and safety of the house. Nothing personal to his new friends but you don't know them. Added to which, you would need to put in quite a lot of work beforehand that he doesn't seem to have factored in. Suggest that he has a night out and postpones the party until he moves in.

Where did OP say she suspects there might be drugs?

kingtamponthefurred · 22/11/2022 11:01

Why can't he have the party after you have moved out?

cantley · 22/11/2022 11:01

starfishmummy · 22/11/2022 10:57

Probably not a popular answer but if you have somewhere else you can be that night and you can get things boxed up and precious valuables/important papers somewhere safe (which you'd probably be doing anyway prior to the move) then I'd say yes.

My reasoning would be that there might be things you want from him....although that's assuming he behaves like most human beings would.

Yes I agree with you.
But I wouldn't be cleaning up before he has his party, he can do that.
I'd go and stay somewhere with the children for a couple of nights.
If you come back too early you'll just be coming back to mess and drunks sleeping it off.

PeeJayDay · 22/11/2022 11:02

@girlmom21 your responses are bizarre. Ring the police? Assume he's taking drugs. He lives like a student? Confused

Where are you getting this from? Projecting much?

Needaholidaypronto · 22/11/2022 11:04

Tell him you have made plans to have guests in your home that evening. He is welcome to arrange a party for after you’ve moved out in Jan.

girlmom21 · 22/11/2022 11:07

PeeJayDay · 22/11/2022 11:02

@girlmom21 your responses are bizarre. Ring the police? Assume he's taking drugs. He lives like a student? Confused

Where are you getting this from? Projecting much?

He's living with a bunch of people in a house share and wants to invite all his single friends round for a party. You think he's not living like a student? Of course there'll be drugs there. I'm not projecting.

PrincessPoodle · 22/11/2022 11:07

He's paying because he has to to keep the house going. He isn't doing you a favour that's for his investment and for his children.

It's gross he wants to us his children's home as a party venue with the OW. He can hire a pub ffs. Loser.

Tell him if he pushes it that one day you will tell the children he cheated and then had a fucking party in the house he out you out of.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/11/2022 11:08

The irony of saying he "lives like a student" - presumably based on the shared house, which he lives in because he moved out of the family so the OP could live there with the DC.

Tell him you have made plans to have guests in your home that evening.

I'd hope they're all guests that the ex knows and that no one's going to have any drinks or anything approaching a party because apparently that's not allowed when you're over 18.

PrincessPoodle · 22/11/2022 11:10

People will get drunk and sleep in your kids beds. There might be drugs which could be dropped and fall somewhere. I would simply tell him to fuck off. If he tries doing it anyway stay home. Let the kids stay up. It will be the shittest party ever. Invite your mum friends and have a toddler rave.

PrincessPoodle · 22/11/2022 11:12

Pinkdelight3 · 22/11/2022 11:08

The irony of saying he "lives like a student" - presumably based on the shared house, which he lives in because he moved out of the family so the OP could live there with the DC.

Tell him you have made plans to have guests in your home that evening.

I'd hope they're all guests that the ex knows and that no one's going to have any drinks or anything approaching a party because apparently that's not allowed when you're over 18.

Well someone has to look after his children. The alternative would be that he did. And she is moving out and he hasn't paid her this month!

Lockheart · 22/11/2022 11:13

If he's still paying the mortgage on a house he doesn't live in it's entirely possible a house share is all he can afford with rents being the way they are. Bit harsh to denigrate him for that, the housing market is brutal at the moment and many older professionals houseshare as it's your only option. I houseshare with a group of people all in our 30s / 40s. No living like students or drugs here.

Bookworm20 · 22/11/2022 11:18

OP says he is paying half the house at the moment. But I assume this is because

  1. Its his childrens home and they have to live somewhere until OP moves. They can hardly live in the house share.
  2. He is moving back into the house when OP leaves - she says he is keeping the house. I am sure his houseshare is very low cost wise, so this is his way of securing the house to be able to move back into it.

So based on that, I think it is entirely reasonable that OP says no to the party on NYE. So what if its his 40th. He can celebrate a birthday anywhere. And if he really wants a house party he can arrange one once he has moved back in.

Just because the house is still 'half his' does not mean he can ask OP and the DC to leave just because he wants a birthday party.

He has asked. Its a no. It really is that simple. OP can still go to her friends house, if thats her plan. No way does she need to allow a party in her house just because she may or may not be using it that night.

If they were still together and a couple, it would still require BOTH people to agree to having a party in the house.

LaBellina · 22/11/2022 11:20

x2boys · 22/11/2022 09:53

Did you not ?
You see in my world people 40 + dont tend to want to go out trashing things etc because they have grown up and grown ouf of all that ,some 18 year olds wont either but from my own personal ecperience of being 18 once it was more likely to happen as many couldnt handle the booze

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In ‘your world’ 🤣 Lala Land?

The nativity is kinda of cute though.

Don’t do it OP