To think our expectations of childbirth are too high?

[RimmersLoveMonster]

Just that really. It’s inherently agonisingly painful and dangerous, but a lot of posters seem to be surprised that it is and feel traumatised afterwards. I think our expectations around birth are unrealistic and that women are being sold a fantasy by ‘positive birth’ companies and pictures of pools with twinkly lights etc. This then leads to disappointment when their experience doesn’t go that way. AIBU?

Our expectations of dentistry are too high, shouldn’t be expecting any pain relief just a bloke covered in blood holding a set of pliers.

I think childbirth is one area where womens expectations have been too low. I had Dd abroad thank god, very different experience to my UK family.

@Onnabugeisha your sister lost 10 pints of blood? So her whole entire supply of blood? Ok then

I went in expecting the worst that I’d probably die on an operating table to some such where the horror stories shared. The worst part was the snotty midwife after giving birth to my first and lack of help breastfeeding.

In fact my baby group wouldn’t let me in as one of the previous mums to talk to because I said I’d do it again tomorrow. Worst parts in baby 2 and 3 them not believing I was in labour and giving birth 45minutes-2 hours after my first contraction while midwifes were shocked pikachu. 1 midwife led, 1 home birth and 1 birth pool.

id watched loads of one born where women where screening for drugs at 2cms and petrified of the pain but it really wasn’t that bad and there’s an end goal the baby. My ripped off toe nail hurt more honestly and I didn’t get a little baby at the end.

I think we need more balance. You seem to have women petrified to give birth or those who think it will automatically be all flowers and sunshine no middle ground. Where as actually it can be anywhere between a horror movie to ok to flowers and sunshine pretty much.

It can squirt out as fast as they put it in you know...

It's down to luck and the care you receive. Like most places with a caring role they are very good at proving care for patients with low needs and utterly shit and unprepared when things are more complex.

My first birth was fast and chaotic, but I didn't feel too traumatised as I knew it would be shit. Forceps felt very brutal, but they were needed at the time, so that's how I reflect on that.

Second birth was very easy. It was painful, but I could have asked for better really.

I did hypnobirthing both times and this very much helped. I retreated into myself.

The worst part was being stuck on a shared ward with my first after the birth, not knowing what the hell I was doing and with a baby that was screaming and waking everyone up. I was exhausted because I was too scared to sleep and had no help at all. I stupidly though that there would be staff available to help you with the first day and maybe take the baby for a while if you were sleep deprived as thats what they did when my mother gave birth. How naïve I was.

Yes. She did. If they hadn’t had her on a constant transfusion for two days, she would have died. You can lose more than your entire supply when you look at blood lost over time. The hospital has to be getting transfusions into you as fast as you lose it while they work to slow and then stop the haemorrhage. Look up massive transfusion, its what a transfusion that is enough to entirely replace your entire blood volume within 24hrs is called. And they can do it on repeat if they have to.

Perfectly elegant and simple way to put it. Blood transfusions are not just top ups.

I don’t think anyone is expecting birth to be sunshine and rainbows, but if you are receiving care that’s not up to what it should be then you have every right to feel let down. My friend gave birth a few months ago and so many errors were made that’s it’s triggered an internal review.

I agree to some extent. However, did expect the worst and had read horror stories, so was never going to be too shocked at what happened. But I did have a personal belief that if I ticked all the boxes with regard to preparation (and trust me I ticked all the boxes) that it would go as I planned. Sadly it didn't as DD was just a very big baby and I needed a c-section in the end.

I think logically I knew the majority of variables relating to a birth are out of your control, but I somehow still thought I could control it.

I also had a foolish belief that because I was a fit/healthy person (continued in gym/spinning classes until 8 months pregnant and ate very well throughout) I would have an easy birth because my body was physically stronger and in better condition. It turns out this is unlikely to make any difference.

Exactly, it's not expecting too much for to expect birth to be is good as it possibly can be in the 21st century with the medical options we have available. It's not expecting too much to have competent, compassionate care and for maternity to be properly resourced. And it's not expecting too much to expect to be able to have choices like ELCS, epidurals, birthing pools, etc etc.

Expecting a post natal ward to be like a 5 star hotel would be in the realms of unreasonable expectations. Proper choice, well resourced maternity wards and proper care are not unreasonable.

severe bleeding (mostly bleeding after childbirth)

infections (usually after childbirth)

high blood pressure during pregnancy (pre-eclampsia and eclampsia)

complications from delivery

unsafe abortion.

The remainder are caused by or associated with infections such as malaria or related to chronic conditions like cardiac diseases or diabetes.

These are the main causes of maternal and infact death in childbirth both now and in the past. Most are caused by poor sanitation. They discovered over 100 years ago that Washing your hands with soap before delivering a baby cut deaths by a massive margin. That is from the WHO, so not relevant in 2022 UK unless you advocate freebirthing and wild pregnancy.

Saying that childbirth is not the worst thing you can ever do is not bloody rejecting medical science. If you have antinatal care and access to health care in pregnancy then you are very much guaranteed to get treatment for things that would have killed you in the past hence why women are checked for things like pre eclampsia or diabetes. We also know to wash and sterilise rooms and equipment and hands before touching a new patient as we have access to soap and water so using history as a gotcha is an absolute straw man argument.

I am dreading my next child being born - I immediately panic that I am going to tear, just like I did with my first. Planning to ask for an epidural...

Totally agree

It's supposed to hurt, it's a natural bodily function that isn't supposed to bloody tickle! And yes, we have drugs that can combat the pain but that doesn't mean you won't feel anything at all...

And I think some people believe that a c-section is easier than a vaginal birth, but they don't seem to really consider the fact that it is major surgery!!!

And I'm sorry for those who suffer "traumatic" births but really, people seriously need to manage their expectations better

@CatLoaf i know it’s anecdotal coming from me - I’m not sure if there actually is any actual statistic on tearing during subsequent births…but I tore with my first baby. She was a small one too - 6lb 12oz. But had not as much as a graze with babies 2 and 3. Baby 2 was smaller than Baby 1, but Baby 3 was my biggest! 7lb 13oz, which is big for someone my size!! And she practically birthed herself an hour after my first contraction! My water broke (on my uncovered sofa of all places! I thought I’d have plenty of time to get the plastic sheets out 🤦🏻‍♀️😂), and I managed to scramble onto all fours as her head was coming out - I don’t even recall pushing at that stage! It was almost as if my body just did it of it’s own accord.

I expected severe pain. I expected to be uncomfortable.

I didn't expect a fumbling anaesthetist to fuck up so badly I had to have an emergency C Section under general anaesthetic.

I didn't expect the hospital staff to drop me when moving me from my hospital bed to the surgical bed. Causing the tubes in my wrist and hands to be ripped away from me. All whilst in huge amounts of pain.

I didn't expect to suffer a huge haemorrhage when on the post natal ward and for the staff to be more bothered about clearing up the blood from the floor than helping me.

I didn't expect to be discharged 12 hours after coming round from general.

This is why I will 100% not have any more children after this, my first. It's also why I think maternity care in the UK is absoultely appalling. When you speak about it you realise you are actually in the majority when you have a traumatic birth, and not in the minority.

*And I think some people believe that a c-section is easier than a vaginal birth, but they don't seem to really consider the fact that it is major surgery!!!

And I'm sorry for those who suffer "traumatic" births but really, people seriously need to manage their expectations better*

You think that people aren't 'managing their expectations' when they feel traumatised after being assaulted by medical staff, denied pain relief, suffered life changing injuries etc etc?

Do you really think women consider a c-section an easy option? I didn't think it would be easy. It wasn't. But my god I preferred it over the idea of a vaginal delivery, and I don't regret my decision for a second. Both my sections were calm, controlled, I didn't go through labour, I wasn't exhausted because of that, I had adequate pain relief afterwards, no awful ongoing birth injuries/incontinence, healthy baby, and me in the best possible physical and mental state to begin life as a new mum. I was aware there would be a recovery period and I managed it fine. There's often a long recovery period for vaginal deliveries too.

It's a brilliant option that should be available easily to anyone who chooses it. It should never be forced on anyone. But it's a great way of giving birth.

I've not read the entire threa

d sorry but agree to an extent. I remember on my birth board with DS and DD people were sharing their birth plans and it was all stuff like scented candles, what song must be playing when baby comes out, their DH must* be the first one to touch the baby and to tell the mother what the sex was etc. I just thought that was batshit. Also the people who expected their midwives to be personally on call to answer their texts 24 hours a day.

However in terms of pain relief and proper care before/during/after birth - I don't think people can possibly have too high of expectations.

Aw, thanks @Ringmaster27! That is comforting 😁

I agree with this also, two planned csections and both were fab. No regrets!

Personally I think most women are terrified and know it will be the most painful event in their lives.

I knew birth would be hard, but nothing could have prepared me for how bad my experience was. Hence, only one baby!

I went to natural birthing classes when I was pregnant. We were told we would not need pain relief. I had a birth plan, none of which was adhered to. I had an epidural and a healthy baby and I felt like I had failed. Also the Midwife told me mid labour that I had spots on my back.

“Personally, I feel a good birth can be chalked up to good preparation.”

@justanoldhack I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’m very pleased it worked out for you, I really am. But are you seriously implying that “bad” or traumatising births are down to a lack of preparation on the mother’s part? All the prep in the world can’t prepare you for unforeseen emergencies or many other of the weird and disturbing things labour throws our way. Even if I’d prepped like a pro nothing could have taken away the pain of two syntocinon drip induced births. Hence the cascade of interventions, yada yada. It doesn’t mean I’m a slacker.

@TooManyGerms It bloody hurts, doesn’t it?! My second delivery was drip-induced and the contractions were unbelievably painful-I’d opted for no pain relief as I’d previously developed a spinal headache from a poorly administered epidural.

But, DS did pop out quickly and scored a 10 on his Apgar test as he was so angry at being rudely ejected. Screaming at the top of his lungs. 🤣

I agree with @justanoldhack in some ways in that expectant Mums can do some things to try and make birth easier, for example, keeping fit during pregnancy. It doesn’t guarantee anything, but it helps.