To think our expectations of childbirth are too high?

[RimmersLoveMonster]

Just that really. It’s inherently agonisingly painful and dangerous, but a lot of posters seem to be surprised that it is and feel traumatised afterwards. I think our expectations around birth are unrealistic and that women are being sold a fantasy by ‘positive birth’ companies and pictures of pools with twinkly lights etc. This then leads to disappointment when their experience doesn’t go that way. AIBU?

I agree. I had private lessons with a well-regarded hypnobirthing teacher-cum-midwife, practised the exercises daily throughout my (healthy, uneventful, while extremely fit) pregnancy, and it made zero difference — I just didn’t dilate because DS was tangled in the cord, then got distressed and I needed a CS. We were both saved by surgical intervention. The difficulty had nothing to do with my expectations or my birth plan. My body just didn’t work.

I personally found that a lot of women who had elective c-sections weren’t prepared for the pain during recovery. I had to have one for medical reasons (I ended up having an emergency one anyway due to placental failure) but I was very aware it was major surgery and would have a recovery time. I think people hear about c-sections being “the easy way out” (it’s not!) and forget the actual facts of the operation and phrases such as “out through the sunroof” probably don’t help that perception. Admittedly, I had a very good recovery despite having a complication riddled section so, to be clear: while I’m a bit privately bemused by it all, I’d never actually say anything to a woman recovering because I have no idea what they’re actually experiencing and if it’s different to my experience.

@FishnetsNightdressCrisis.
Good decision, I wish I had been allowed to choose an elective C section or both of mine.
Trouble was I gave birth 53 and 50 years ago before you could ask for and get a c section, if you had no medical reason then your sanity was questioned!
I knew by my experience of being a midwife that I was a perfect candidate for c- section delivery.I am below 5 ft in height with narrow hips.If I had been allowed to choose then I would have never had the horrible childbirths I did have.It was only after the second birth that I was told I should have never have had to go through labour, talk about shutting the stable door!
I had signed the form for tubal tie in my second pregnancy, to be done during the c section if I needed it again.This was done, as I never wanted to go through it all again.
I both admire and envy you.

YABU. There’s no reason, in this day and age, it should still be so horrendously painful. NHS are draconian when it comes to pain relief in labour.

Elcs is a valid choice if that's what the woman decides is best for her and her baby but there should be choices throughout the process regardless of which method it ends up taking. From my own and friend's experiences the opportunity of choice was denied on when we were allowed into hospital, when and which forms of pain relief were provided, positions and movement in labour, internal examinations, whether we were allowed quiet and privacy when needed. I'm sure there are many more but these are the obvious ones which come to mind straightaway.

I didn't really give a fuck about yoga or hypnobirthing tbh but would have preferred to be asked before a stranger stuck her fingers in my fanny

@Topgub haha I never thought of that!

@nildesparandum I admire you for going through that- I genuinely couldn't have! I have tokophobia, severely. I'm incredibly grateful things have changed. The NICE guidelines were updated in 2011 to state women should be able to request c-section, although apparently it was happening at some hospitals before that. I can't believe it took until 2011. The John Radcliffe in Oxford wouldn't allow it until much more recently- shame on them.

Mine was actually the opposite, I spent a lot of time mentally trying to prepare for the horror of giving birth - I refused to think breathing and tea lights would help and I didn't have a plan, other than things like, give me every painkiller going, husband to stay by my head etc.

I wish I hadn't as I had a wonderful experience, quite unexpectedly, and would have loved to have known and enjoyed my pregnancy more! (It was lockdown and I had a lot of time to dwell on potential horrors)

But I agree, I don't know why there is so much emphasis on breathing through a natural, wonderful birth. I can only think it's similar to religion and life after death, gives people hope in the face of the terrifying unknown.

I had far too many women getting a thrill out of telling me their horror stories so I totally disagree ! Those positive birth stories really helped me, the negative oversharing of other people's trauma really didn't at all.

YABU. The vast majority of women understand that birth is painful and not a “twinkly lights” experience.

I had pretty much the easiest birth you could have (apart from being induced, that sucked) as I had a very effective epidural, I had actually gone in expecting horrors and to be traumatised and I wasn’t really. The birth was a pretty good day for me.

I wasn’t expecting how much I’d feel like I’d been hit by a bus for the next few weeks though, that’s something I think we don’t talk about enough.

But that's not necessarily what will happen. I've given birth 5 times, and have had worse pain due to ear ache than all my labours combined, and all have been drug free apart from a bit of gas and air at the start. I think women should be encouraged to view it as what they're made to do, it doesn't have to be dramatic and scary and can actually be earful and enjoyable.

I also feel too much emphasis is put on having a birth plan, when it can be so unpredictable, which will then cause upset for the mother of her ideal doesn't happen. Far better to go in with an open mind and take it as it comes, especially for a first born when you have nothing to compare it to.

This

I think the response to this varies a lot from personal experience.
I have done hypnobirthing and I don't think it's unrealistic or a fantasy.
I have given birth twice in a birthing centre and I had great experiences both times. It's not all candles and twinkling lights, it's more than that.
I felt informed about my choices and was aware on what would/could happen, I knew how to advocate for myself, the choices I had and I had some tools to cope with different scenarios. Before giving birth I kept hearing way more horror stories than positive ones, luckily for me in the end it all was great and I know it sounds crazy but I actually enjoyed it, especially the second time around.
A tens machine and the breathing I learnt in the course got me through all the contractions. I had tears and a Pph with my first born, but everything was handled competently by the staff. I do feel lucky especially knowing that many women don't experience the same level of care and luckily I have not had serious complications. For example my neighbour gave birth at the same birthing centre just a couple of months after me and she had an overall bad experience and was disappointed.

With modern medicine and pain relief I expect birth to be a lot brute than some/most women seem to experience. It’s the attitude that it’s horrendous and awful that I think can keep it that way.
I believe most womens experience of birth could be better of course it would probably mean investment in more staff to make that achievable.

But how does your ease in giving birth help those of us whose bodies didn’t get the ‘easy and enjoyable’ memo? I was birth partner for two friends on several occasions, and both assured me it was ‘painful but manageable’ and ‘productive pain, like a process not an injury’. I think I approached labour realistically. Alas, despite being fit and healthy, it turns out my body isn’t good at giving birth. DS and I would be dead if it weren’t for obstetric medicine.

I had an ELCS 21 years ago, at my request. MIL had suffered birth injuries which were lifelong. (I will add in fairness that my own DM had two uneventful births with no negative consequences.) ELCS in my opinion is more likely to minimise any potential consequences and I would definitely recommend to my DD ( if I had one- will certainly recommend to any DP of DS if they have children.) Obviously each to their own however. I did see a comment upthread about it being seen as the easy option which made me smile. I mean, why is that seen as bad? (I admit, it probably was. Recovery very easy, no issues so far...Am I meant to feel guilty for that?) Given this is now a choice which is quite rightly respected, I am amazed that more don't opt for it.

Im sorry other people seem to have been on shit hypnobirthing courses. The two i went on as suggested by the hospital i will give birth in literally talked about how things can go wrong and what you can do if you need intervention or a C-section. I assumed all hypnobirthing courses had this but apparently not.

This. Maternity services are utterly dire nowadays and aren't fit for purpose anymore.

ELCS is overwhelmingly chosen by medics of my acquaintance.

I think hypnobirthing can be useful if taken in context and with a pinch of salt. I was very afraid of giving birth and pretty sure I wanted all the pain relief I could get. But then I read a few hypnobirthing books which focused on ways to manage pain and evaluate your situation by asking mifwives what options / outcomes there are available at each point. It made me feel more in control and better able to cope, and actually ended up more or less having the intervention-free birth I wanted.

I think part of it we (or at least, I) have quite easy lives. I had never experienced pain like that before and never done something physical with my body like labour, so it all came as a shock. I wasn't prepared with how hard I'd have to work!

My sons birth was hell I wanted to die and then I thought he was going to die. It was hell. I thought I was going to be OK and I was anything but. If I ever do it again my birth plan will be 'give birth to a live baby'. End off.

@RimmersLoveMonster What choices are you referring to? There’s very little ‘choice’ in childbirth, short of opting for an ELCS from the get go. what utter nonsense. There are choices throughout labour that make a huge difference to the experience. For example an epidural during my last birth, not being forced to crawl naked from the waist down down a corridor and into a birthing pool as a hoop that needed to be jumped through before I was allowed one, would have been a fairly key choice. And before you say we all have unrealistic expectations rather than there are gaping holes in care, many of us report sub par treatment in second, third, or more, births.

@CowPie really interesting. Why is that, do you think?

Based on everything friends and family told me I was expecting horror and agonising pain.

I had two wonderful, positive pool births (my second was at home) and amazing care. It wasn't as painful as I was expecting (in part, I have no doubt, due to hypnobirthing techniques).

If friends who haven't given birth ask me, I tell them that I had two wonderful experiences but that pain thresholds differ between people. I tell them what helped me (hypnobirthing, pool, gas and air) but also highlight that the best thing is to go into it educated and knowing your options (and when to ask for them). I also say that you'll hear lots of horror stories because they make better stories than 'I gave birth and it was a positive experience'.

What I think is incredibly wrong is that there seems to be such a postcode lottery and/or failure in provision of healthcare.
It should never take 5 days to progress an induction due to lack of staff (therefore leading to stress/distress plus higher rates of intervention, etc).
There shouldn't be such different standards of care between trusts - all should be excellent and provide the same options (one example: a friend was told she couldn't have a water birth due to high BMI, as a midwife has to be able to pull a woman out on her own. In my trust it's allowed as they provide hoists to get women out of the pool fast in an emergency).

I think everyone’s experience is different. I was very prepared for it to be horrific. It ended up being the opposite and as soon as my DC arrived I said I could do that again.

I recognise I was very lucky, very quick births, episiotomies with both (that was the worst part) with no complications or trauma.