To think our expectations of childbirth are too high?

[RimmersLoveMonster]

Just that really. It’s inherently agonisingly painful and dangerous, but a lot of posters seem to be surprised that it is and feel traumatised afterwards. I think our expectations around birth are unrealistic and that women are being sold a fantasy by ‘positive birth’ companies and pictures of pools with twinkly lights etc. This then leads to disappointment when their experience doesn’t go that way. AIBU?

Oh I’m fully expecting it to be horrendous and I’m prepared to take anything the hospital offers, why suffer. I do think child birth is very mis represented in films / TV like waters break and baby falls out 5 mins later 😂

Women are getting a far worse experience in the 21st century than they should rightfully expect given how modern medicine can help. Mostly due to lack of resources and investment. And the misogyny that permeates through most aspects of society. You can damn well bet men wouldn't be suffering if they were the ones giving birth.

We would ensure maternity units were well staffed, women were supported to make choices like c-sections if they want to without jumping through hoops, epidurals etc were available to anyone who wants one. That postnatal care actually existed! I'd wager that a lot fewer women would feel traumatised if maternity services weren't in such a dire state and if they were fully supported in their choices.

I was expecting childbirth to be tough and painful and probably awful at times.

I wasn't expecting to nearly die and then suffer the levels of neglect we experienced afterwards that left both me and my child seriously ill. That's what left me traumatised.

I disagree. I think birth is very much portrayed as oooh its the most painful thing ever you will want to die when you go into labour and your fanny will be ripped in half and you will be incontinent forever more. Its always portrayed as bloody, screaming, messy and that its normal to have serious post natal depression afterwards.

These hypnobirthing courses dont pretend birth is pretty or easy or not painful. They try and instill coping mechanisms for whatever happens during labour to try and make you feel like you arent completely out of control and hysterical.

I'm not sure about the misogyny argument in this context. The nhs is failing all groups regularly now, heat attack and stroke affect more men younger - ambulances are no longer meeting target times and mortality is rising. Prostate cancer patients are starting treatment late as much as Brasted cancer. The nhs is an equal opportunities failure...

The hypnobirth course I did 100% represented birth as just breathing and opening like a flower and next thing you know a magical baby appears, literally all you need aside from the breathing is your own pillow, some LED tea lights and a few essential oils on the hospital radiator, J breath J breath J breath, who needs painkillers?

Meanwhile my lifesaving emergency C-section…

My sons birth was the most relaxed and pain free thing - I fully expected it to be horrific and that I wouldn't cope and would need a section - hypnobirthing definitely helped me overcome all of that.

Granted my next labour won't be the same, none are, but I know how to relax my body now which helped.

My expectations : Gore, too long, way too painful. Always beats it. Then there is more. When I see the sweet baby I absolutely forget for a few hours that I will have trenches, piles and a second birth in the toilet, and weeing under water and the sore breast. That is the cherry on top of the cake.

@User613 this article discusses sexism in healthcare in the UK:

amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/dec/23/finally-the-uk-has-noticed-its-rampant-sexism-in-healthcare-what-now

"Do you have a birth plan " Yup, sure.😂

I think media sells us a fantasy - you will get pregnant easily, natural birth, healthy baby, wonderful perfect family.

I think we have lost sight of the reality - infertility, stillbirth, neo natal deaths, birth injuries, how bloody hard parenting is and so on.

Lots more funding for midwives and postnatal care would go a long way to improve experiences.

Snap.

I think it’s more the ‘plan’ that causes issues, in that I think it’s great to have a favoured and desired way to give birth, but the reality is sometimes it’s just taken out of your hands.

I didn’t really have any views, thought I’d just see what happened, and I ended up with an emergency section. Which is fine.

i do think some women struggle with it not going the way they wanted it to, which is valid of course.

My birth trauma wasn't caused by expectations - second baby for starters
It was caused by poor management, a rude and arrogant midwife, failed delivery, traumatic delivery in theatre and a baby with acquired brain damage that I thought had not made it. Ended up with PTSD

But you post seems to imply women only get trauma because they think it will be easy! We KNOW it's not - but we expect to be treated with dignity, listened to and for warning to be picked up - I don't think that's too much to ask.

Completely agree.

All of my friends who'd had children told me that giving birth wasn't that bad. I had a couple of friends who had kids a month before me who also told me it was fine. I get that they were trying to protect me but honesty would've been the better approach. One tore really badly and had to have physio to help her walk again after the birth but just told me all was fine.

The only person that was honest was my Mum but I kind of thought she must've been exaggerating given everyone else's stories.

I was really quite traumatised after trying to give birth. I was shell shocked for weeks after.

Had people actually just been honest with me then perhaps I could've braced myself!

Yanbu

Which is why the RCM are having to reframe their policy of promoting 'natural birth'

No other area of medicine tells pts theyre not really in pain and even if they are they should just accept it

@AutumnScream

There's no evidence hypnobirthing has any affect on birth outcomes

It's hard to think of an acceptable way to make British women fully informed (ie tell them they're more likely to die than in six other European hospitals but they made it in ahead of I think Slovenia according to a widely reported study published last week). It's not really an acceptable truth, is it. What exactly do you think they ought to hear about their care.

TTC next year and done OTT and above research and reading and so far I’m about 70/30 towards wanting a maternal request CS if I’m lucky enough to carry a pregnancy to term.
History of long and traumatic labours in family. The NHS is in the worst state it’s been and I’ve heard too many horror stories of understaffed wards and insufficient staffing. I’d rather take a long and possibly more painful recovery over unpredictability, fear and what is basically a roulette. Ideal seems to be an uncomplicated vaginal birth but how can you guarantee you’ll get that?

On my postnatal ward there wasn't even a shower. The nurses look surprised when i asked where I could wash.

About the same time I had my first emcs, a good friend of mine had uterine surgery which was similar in several ways to a c section. She was looked after very well & had 4 nights on a ward and was sent home for 6 weeks of rest, inc 2 weeks of bed rest. The difference between our two experiences couldn't have been more stark.

@happyfeet5 fwiw I've had two ELCS and I didn't have long and painful recoveries. Both were excellent experiences. I had factored in that obviously I wasn't going to be back to normal within a couple of days but then there are plenty of women who have vaginal deliveries who aren't. I felt pretty good after a few days, pretty but back to normal after 10 days or so (although obviously still going a bit careful) and then fully back to normal in a month. Only in a bit of pain for the first couple of days really. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

I loved my hypnobirthing course and it helped me so much in my 16 hour labour. For it to work though you need to be fully invested and if it gets to the point you need a c-section then it won't help then.

In saying this childbirth is so overrated. I learnt from my experience that my body is incapable of giving birth naturally and if it wasn't for modern medicine, I would have probably died.

I think it’s more the ‘plan’ that causes issues, in that I think it’s great to have a favoured and desired way to give birth, but the reality is sometimes it’s just taken out of your hands.

I agree, @Abouttimemum. I was abit clueless and didn’t have a plan as such, I assumed I’d be told what to do. Some of my friends made detailed plans and were rarely able to follow them, tbh. When it came down to it, their bodies and their babies determined what happened.

^ this

I did an online hypnobirthing course (the positive birth company one). I felt informed and prepared by it - and that I had tools to help me cope. DH found it very useful too - possibly even more than me - as it prepared him for the stages of labour and how to support me.

If we'd have just watched One Born Every Minute or similar programmes I think we'd have been far more apprehensive as it tends to show the more dramatic births / edit them to build tension. Understanding what my body was actually doing was really helpful.

Having been raised by a feminist who was at pains to explain the bloody, agonising reality, I was pleasantly surprised by what a piece of piss it was tbh. Appreciate that’s a minority view, but I’ve had worse hangovers.