To think our expectations of childbirth are too high?

[RimmersLoveMonster]

Just that really. It’s inherently agonisingly painful and dangerous, but a lot of posters seem to be surprised that it is and feel traumatised afterwards. I think our expectations around birth are unrealistic and that women are being sold a fantasy by ‘positive birth’ companies and pictures of pools with twinkly lights etc. This then leads to disappointment when their experience doesn’t go that way. AIBU?

Thats amazing for you but I can tell you that absolutely isn’t the case for anyone I know. Not one single person said it wasn’t that painful and as actually “fine”

It was fine/easyfor me too. My DM had made it sound like a naked motorbike crash - which it wasn’t for me. I didn’t think I was having contractions ne side they weren’t all that painful - just like trapped wind really. Don’t agree about the “natural process” thing as everyone is different.

Ironically I suspect the entirely justified fear of poor care is driving the demand for ELCS.

Well said.

I am still traumatised by my birth. I don't think it's fair to imply someone shouldn't be. For some it is a very traumatic experience regardless of outcomes.
I expected the birth to be painful, I did not expect the hospital to refuse all pain relief. I understood the risks but my hospital didn't seem to.
I think in modern day medicine why is it a c section for example is treated as a minor inconvenience when if a man went for stomach surgery no way they'd be waving them goodbye with paracetamol a few hours later.
I disagree OP. We should expect better treatment as women in a supposedly first world country and also expect understating if we felt the birth was traumatic

Understanding not understating

Personally, I feel a good birth can be chalked up to good preparation. I viewed my labours as marathons and "trained" myself as intensively as I would have done if I were actually running a marathon. So not just physical prep (staying as active as possible, pelvic floor exercises, perineal massage, Pilates etc), but tonnes of mental prep too. Reading loads about the process, watching videos, hypnobirthing courses (as well as practicing every day). I was under no illusion that it would be easy, but I did fully and totally believe that I could cope with whatever situation presented itself. I think it also really helped that my own mother had always been very matter of fact about birth while also talking positively about it.

My births were very straightforward and very fast, and both unmedicated with no interventions. I wouldn't say I enjoyed them or found them empowering, but I do truly believe that they would not have been as good without the physical mental preparation that I put in beforehand.

@swirlywhirlypearly if a man went for stomach surgery no way they'd be waving them goodbye with paracetamol a few hours later.

They don’t even send you home with paracetamol!
My mum has to plead to the pharmacist to let her buy more than 2 packets for me after my section last year because I needed the full dose of paracetamol and ibuprofen over the 24hrs for 2 weeks after and 2 packets wouldn’t have even lasted a few days and I couldn’t get back out to the shop myself.

@justanoldhack Personally, I feel a good birth can be chalked up to good preparation.

You can’t be serious?
What preparation could I go for a baby who was stuck in a position meaning it could never make its way out naturally and was getting more and more distressed.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Wow! I did not know that? So UK hospital birth is so dire it has resulted in more deaths than at least 6 other European countries?

I think poor education in birth is the problem. We leave school knowing how babies exit mum and most saw a video in biology.

But after that it's guess work on how long labour takes, how it was never meant to be a spectacular sport, how important it is to do skin to skin for healing.

Yes, I did very similar prep, was extremely fit and healthy, and was fairly sure I’d be able to manage. But DS was tangled in the cord, got distressed and was never going to be born naturally and I needed a CS. My marathon training was bugger all use for that.

@FishnetsNightdressCrisis This 100%

I fully expect childbirth to be absolutely horrific and is one of the main reasons I don't want children!

@CowPie obviously there are things that happen that no one can control and are no one's fault, which throw it all out the window.

Didn't mean to imply that preparation meant this wouldn't happen to me, I know that it could. Just meant to say that, in my case at least, I feel it really helped.

It’s more than just expectations being high and women feeling traumatised after a difficult birth with interventions. Women feel entitled to a lovely birth and end up feeling cheated even when they’ve had a successful labour and birth and have come out of it healthy with a healthy baby. That should be enough to be grateful for, but it isn’t.

YANBU. I remember during my first pregnancy, taking ages writing a birth plan with the midwife, planning the details. What a waste of time, it happened nothing like how I planned. I didn't bother writing one in my second pregnancy and it was actually far less traumatic.

@justanoldhack With respect, I think the notion that birth can be good if we just prepare for it enough is so harmful and is just another stick for women to beat themselves with. I also prepared extensively but the one thing I didn’t see coming was reduced growth and repeated heart rate decelerations, being kept in hospital there and then (without my well-packed hospital bag and affirmation cards - lol) and being induced two days later. I am 5 weeks pp and have been feeling terrible about the way things went, wondering if there was something else I could’ve done, or another book I could’ve read.

OP, Hypnobirthing helped me in some ways (not being scared of birth during pregnancy, and I found breathing useful for examinations) but mainly it gave me an ideal to aim for which my body could never achieve and a distrust in modern medicine - there is a part in one of the videos I watched where the woman says you’re ‘brave’ for giving birth in hospital, so when I ended up there i was terrified - not conductive to all those endorphins that were supposed to help me push my baby out..oh, and because I didn’t get all the natural hormones and golden hour that was another thing I worried about afterwards/felt I’d deprived my baby of.
In reality I think if I’d been able to accept what was happening as opposed to trying to avoid interventions I would’ve had a much more positive experience. Whilst it’s great to be aware of your choices and I personally had pretty good care in hospital, there comes a point for some of us where your choices run out during childbirth. Of my NCT group no one has had a ‘natural’, uncomplicated birth and I wish we had been better prepared for that and how to cope, during birth and after.

Well aren't you amazing?🙄

i think the idea that people just aren’t fit enough or prepped enough and that’s why they don’t have better experiences is so totally idiotic it’s hard to even believe anyone would entertain it.

Sorry but there is a lot of misinformation about this.

Hypnobirthing is one thing and I have no problem with women finding tactics to improve their sense of control during labour.

But the whole “positive birth” thing does often imply that these approaches can help you avoid pain. Which is very misleading.

Also the tendency of midwives and other health professionals to steer women away from pain relief with its veneer of judgement is responsible for a lot of the guilt and trauma that many women experience after birth.

because of the absolute toxic positivity 'birth education' that's being peddled out there now, my valid memories of having a nice due date were shat on as 'not valid' and having no place, due dates are dismissed, no one was allowed to enquire as to her wellbeing, and my former friend expected to go into spontaneous labour and have a natural drug free birth at any cost.

I’m just repeating what others have said. I fully expected the birth to be really hard which it was. But I didn’t expect the maternity service to be unable to meet our needs - that was were most of the trauma came from. Our expectations of services should be much higher, not lower.

I was probably the fittest mother giving birth at the hospital that day. Oh and 'fully prepared, invested' blah blah.
It didn't stop complications making my birth horrific and my baby brain damaged as a result.
@justanoldhack I don't have the words to say to you what I need to say without being banned from Mumsnet.

Just assume I think this level of arrogance is wrong.

I actually think the marathon analogy is ok. There are loads of things that can happen on race day completely out of your control but you’re giving yourself a better chance if you’re fit and mentally well prepared. Obviously all the training in the world is no use of you get hit by a truck that day anyway but that doesn’t mean it’s pointless to train.

@justanoldhack

Attitudes like this are part of the problem. Your post is breathtakingly smug and tone deaf.

I binge watched one born every minute, I wanted to know the good the bad and the ugly. I also had a job where I spoke to different women day in and day out, so heard a lot of stories and perspectives.

It was horrendous, which I expected, but I felt ready to roll with it. I was in latent Labour for 24 hours before they finally admitted me, i wasn’t expecting to be in excruciating pain at home with no relief. But once in, they hooked me up to an epidural, burst the waters and induced me. I was prepared to go with the midwives opinion and knew having a birth plan was sort of redundant.

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, but there’s no way in hell I’d do it again. But I had a feeling I might feel like that.

I’m generally a bit of a realist, so I didn’t have a fantasy birth scenario other than get it out safely. I can see though, if you were only going by GP midwives with their “birth plan” and pre natal classes that can be quite anti-pain relief that you might be a bit blindsided by the reality. Which, in my opinion, is brutal. But, you are pushing out small human via your vag, so that figures.