Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

Just ignore or change the subject when she brings it up. If she persists, say "how is that possibly any of your business?".

I had a friend like this, the conversations were very very similar, I think it was a combination of jealousy and extreme nosiness. You could repeat ad nauseam I don't like to discuss finances with friends or you could withdraw. I'm no longer friends with this person and it's so refreshing not having to deflect constant comments, questions and wondering what's being said behind your back.

I assume she has other redeeming qualities as I don't think I would want to be friends with someone like this she's sounds hard work.

Find a new friend. She's an insufferable, jealous cow. I'd be phasing her right out.

Just stop seeing her or tell her straight.
How do you know her and how long have you known her?

People who go on about money to this degree are very tiresome. I'd be disengaging a bit I think.

Urgh, I would actually call her out on things a bit.

How do you afford x - "How do you think Anna?"

"Anna did you mean to say that out loud, it was very rude/inappropriate"

She's not your friend is she?

Just say, ‘we’re very fortunate to be able to afford it’.

Then change the subject.

Then decide if you do actually want to be friends with her after all!!

Am I the only one who googled frog bikes and is now obsessed😂

She sounds annoying. Just ask her why it matters how much anyone has spent on anything? Some people are luckier than others, it doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else, they just have nicer stuff that they don't really need.

We recommend our frog bike to everyone too, they're really good and hold their value well second hand too.

I think the problem isn't talking about the money which frankly we should all do more anyway to make responsible financial decisions more widely known. It's gossiping about it behind your back. You can't trust her so don't even try.

No 😂. But I have to nip my obsession in the bud. I have the money but I’m also incredibly conservative (or tight if you’re talking to my DH) when it comes to big purchases. I spent so long mulling over whether to buy a new washing machine that my top two picks were discontinued by the time I decided to go ahead. I don’t have the head space to add new bikes into the mix 😂

I had to Google frog bike too.

Is she jealous of you and how fortunate you are?
Her giving Jane the look and expecting her to say oh that expensive bike, is she trying to desuade you from buying it?
And why is she commenting that your husband need to help with the kids. It sounds like she's shit stirring or planting seeds TBH
Is she an old friend?

She doesn't sound like a true friend, more like a gossipy neighbour? Is it a longstanding or deep friendship?
If so, and you want to save it, I'd prob start to call her out on these comments in a light-hearted way... Or ask if she is OK financially as she seems really obsessed with talking about money..? Ask out of concern.
Perhaps she is truly going through some hard times right now and needs support or advice?
If she is just jealous and not particularly close to you, I'd avoid her in future.

She would do my head in. I'd either find a new friend, or tell her she can't keep talking about money its ridiculous.

Just from reading your post you sound like you really really like talking about money

so you are well matched as friends

We have a friend like this she's so nosy asks outright. OH thinks it's appalling, I just don't engage. She does it with everyone. It's not jealousy they have a lot of money and a beautiful very large home. It's a quirk

She sounds nosy and like she tries to stir the pot with people to see who will bite and engage.

With people like this it's worth having one eye always open as whatever she says around you about other people, she's absolutely going to be doing to other people about you.

Every time she says something like this just reply with "oh let's not talk about money".

Rise and repeat, she'll soon get the hint/realise how often she brings it up.

She’s probably just nosey. If you don’t want to discuss it or it makes you uncomfortable just say that. We all have different ideas on monetary issues and tbh I usually skirt round talking in too much detail it’s quite easy to lightheartedly bat such comments away or change the subject.

Sounds like Jane isn’t such a great friend either if she feels the need to report back or bitch about Anna. I always think what are they saying about me if it comes so easy to speak of others.

So sorry, she is envious of you. I made friends with someone a few years ago and said I was hoping to go somewhere on holiday - she sent me the most vicious email, basically asking if I had hidden money I'd never told her about. Now blocked and forgotten.

Slightly off main topic.
Claim child benefit, yes DH will have to repay it under the high income charge, BUT you will get a deemed NI credit for each year you claim. This builds up your state pension entitlement free of charge.

You’re not unreasonable, but for people who claim to not be materialistic, you all seem rather obsessed with what each other has.

We’ve had three Frog bikes, all of which were used heavily by three kids and stayed in very good shape. They weigh next to nothing and the back wheel pops off so it is very easy to throw in the car boot if our plans change.
Isla bikes are comparable and also have good resale. All of the kids in our London neighborhood have Frog or Isla bikes and they are constantly changing hands on the local FB marketplace page. We passed ours on to my nephew but we could have sold them on for half of what we paid new.
We actually took one of the bikes with us when moved to America. When my youngest outgrew it we had no luck selling it because nobody had heard of Frog bikes so we ended up donating it. A few days later I got a message with a generous offer from a British family in the area but it was too late 🤷🏻‍♀️.

When speaking directly with Anna, you could come over all vague and claim to have forgotten: "I don't remember why we don't get Child Benefit. There was some reason. Doesn't really matter though, does it?" "No, I don't recall how much we paid for that."

As for Jane, ask her to stop running to you with tittle-tattle. It isn't nice. She can deal with Anna in whatever way she likes. Passing unkind gossip on to you is as bad as coming up with it in the first place. Tell her you don't want to hear what Anna says about you.