Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

When she asked how much your kitchen was what did you say? I don't think I've told many people what I earn. Maybe siblings and two best friends, people I am super close with. Not either of our parents though.

You need to be clear that you do not want to talk about finances. Either next time she brings it up or ask her for coffee.

You can be assertive without being rude. When someone is being rude like this, I would be bothered about being rude back.

If someone asks me questions like that, I have standard things I say so I'm not really arsed. It is rude and I would never. I might even do it back (shrug). I'd say something like

That's a very personal question, why do you want to know?

I don't want to talk about my finances with you. Let's change the subject.

I've noticed you ask me about how much I spend. It makes me really uncomfortable, can we not? Then - lets talk about something else

I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to have conversations about my finances. Then crickets.

I think the really telling thing is that "Anna" tried to get "Jane" on side against you. The rest could be written off as jealousy or a different upbringing, but that’s just straight up shitty behaviour and I would gently put an end to the friendship for that.
A few posters are saying you should also be careful of Jane talking to you about Anna – assuming she isn’t generally gossipy I disagree. I'd want to know if someone was trying to turn my friends against me, and her telling me would raise my opinion of her.

Can I be a bit controversial? It struck me that you have an unusual approach to money (which might come from a financially difficult childhood). Your dh is on CEO level salary, yet you say you work to pay for extra food - that is a bloody weird statement, sounds like your mindset is on the breadline - I'd be intrigued by your set-up because if your dh earned a CEO equivalent salary - earning money for extra food would not even occur to you.
Is your dh financially controlling/abusive? Does he keep his CEO salary to himself?
I wonder that if you are coming out with I work for "extra food" stuff to your friends, they find it rather confusing - it's confusing me and I'd ask you - if you were on the breadline and needed to work for extra food - how can you afford the other stuff? It's possible Anna thinks you make stuff up, she doesn;t believe your dh is at CEO level...your story lacks some credibility so I can see why.

off topic but another one just here to say Frog bikes are awesome
I remember we bought our 3yo twins their first pedal bikes from 🐸 and we sat them on them to check sizing, then they just pedalled off - no helmets and dad was in fkip
flops as we thought it would take weeks to learn! 😂 sold them for 2/3 new price and bought several more second hand as they grew.

She'll age into my MIL. In the early years I told.her, now I just say "It's lovely I go to work and therefore spend what I like on my hair and clothes".

Many years ago she used to make snide comments even to DH about what his sister didn't have; it was a veiled way of saying we had too much. Until one day DH gave her a hard Paddington stare and said "my sister would have a lot more if she and her partner stopped working part-time and got their heads down".

I think some people just resent others having nice things or a nice life. It's more about temperament, attitude and jealousy than what people have. I think too we gravitate to those who are similar because it's just easier and if your so called friend can't happily accept who you are and what you have she isn't a friend - the friendship has withered and outgrown any joy for either of you so it needs to fizzle out.

It’s so frightfully vulgar to talk about money, dear. One just doesn’t do it.

Every time she asks you about anything money-related, ask her why she needs to know. If it's a question she's asked before, tell her you've already given her the answer and it was boring the first time.

Does she know your husband is a CEO and travels a lot for work? (Often an indicator that it's not a one person local job) cause that really should answer all the questions in her head.

I really want to know how my friend can afford everything her family has. I know what she and her husband do for a living so I'm baffled. But I'm not asking eventhough she's one of my good friends.

Wise and eye opening. That did not stick the first time, but thinking of it...

As an aside, if you fancy a Frog bike for the DC then The Bike Club lets you have one on subscription and then swap it for a bigger size when your DC grows. I've used them for yonks and it's a great model.

Ditch her

"Can we talk about something other than money?" is worth a try. I would find that conversation really boring. Yes, fine, the odd moan about the cost of living but other than that it becomes tedious.

@Firethrice sorry when I say extra food I mean top up shop food. My husband pays for the main shop (as it’s money in the joint account) and I just pick up those extra like B&M bits.

I don’t tell my friend about what the money I earn goes on. Why would anyone need to know how are finances are split? She asks that’s my main point. The stuff she asked about are things I can’t really hide - I can’t hide I have a 1 year old car and she has a 10 year old car? I’m not saying that my car is better because it’s newer. I would never say it the other way around - like my cars so new and yours is old, what did you pay for that?! (As that would be rude!)

DH is in no way controlling - very much a lovey guy!

I also work for myself! I have been A SAHM for a period but I needed to work for my own sanity! 2 days out the house away from my kids is dreamy!

My thoughts exactly.

@PickyEaters I like that. It's not rude, but changes the topic of conversation

Agreed 100% with this.

I'm not a mum but have friends and relatives who are mums and SIL said she had one of these mum friends too - from a baby group she went to as SIL went back to work when her baby was 6 months old. They still saw each other on some weekends and at a Wriggle and Rhyme Group which SIL still attended.

Very similar to your comments but whenever SIL was there with new things (her DM lives the other side of the country so likes to treat her to e.g. Jigsaw clothes/footwear, White Company clothes/footwear, L'Occitane/Nars etc cosmetics/skincare. One day SIL was touching up her face with a nice vintage gold Guerlain or a posh brand face compact with powder and her 'friend' cattily made a comment about how wealthy SIL was to have this item, was it a present etc, and there were other comments too from the 'friend' when she knew her about "ooh are those Air and Grace trainers?" etc. But all with side comments of how she the friend, couldn't afford x, y, z. SIL only mentioned this to me as I went along to a Wriggle and Rhyme Session with her once and the 'friend' was there but didn't say too much as I was there (relative). The 'friend' actually wasn't that poor from what SIL told me, I met her after the first R&WS a few times there and when I was over at other times, and she looked normally dressed. SIL is quite frugal and saves a lot anyway but doesn't like sharing her finances anyway.

SIL decided to end the friendship and simply disengage. I don't think they had much in common apart from their babies, So just a brief, hello, goodbye, how are you and then off and speak to someone else. Luckily the 'friend' got the hint and didn't bother her anymore and she's moved now anyway.

So, OP, unless you're really kind I'd disengage with 'Anna' and tell 'Jane' to butt out of talking about your finances/what you can/can't buy to 'Anna'.

You need a salt bath to wash away all the jealousy. RUN!

Me being me, would have to be a total wound up merchant and make the stories more and more ridiculous just to give her something to gossip about, but that’s me.

Best advice, is ignore and decide whether you want to continue the friendship who says/ does what she does. Weigh up the positives and negatives of the friendship, and see how it balances out.

On a serious note, as another poster said, register for child benefit in your own name. Put it to one side. You may well have to pay it back, but it will count towards to your own state pension contributions. I don’t want to a nay sayer, but you can’t guarantee what the future holds. I was in a similar financial position to you - DH on a great salary, I just earned pin money for the “extras”, but after 25 years we split up. He’s now on his lovely salary, with his flourishing career, while I’m struggling financially. And I promise I’m not saying that I think you will do so, but make sure that you have your back covered and have your NI contributions covered as a back up.

This is a game and needs to be called out.

You don't have to be nasty you do need to be clear talking money is off limits its jeopardising your friendship.

Start asking Anna the same questions about money she asks you & you'll find that she'll back off soon enough. I have an aunt like this and she shut up as soon as I started asking about her finances.

I know someone like this and they are the same with others - asking intrusive questions most wouldn’t dream of - but it’s just their obsession and I just disengage or make up stuff
For example when I changed my car they instantly said ‘ooh nice car - how much was it’ I usually do really vague - so ‘it was a bargain’ or ‘tons I felt like treating myself’ or ‘£50k’ when it patently wasn’t
They normally then get the hint - occasionally they don’t take a hint and I just say ‘I said x because I don’t want to discuss costs’

I strongly disagree. The OP is simply giving us the background and perspective. She is making it clear that they are no way struggling, but not really wealthy either.

I think you are not very self aware. You seem very keen to talk about money. You earn money to buy B&M bits - are you for real? How much do you think a CEO earns? The more you post the more I’m not convinced.

Have you actually tried saying that her constant queries into your finances make you uncomfortable? Seems to me like she’s trying to start some form of conversation or be pointed about how much money she thinks you have but doesn’t have the guts to come right out and say it - so she keeps trying to provoke a response and you keep brushing it off.

If you are actually friends then the friendship should be able to survive a frank conversation about why she keeps asking.

Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable, or every time she asked reply ‘why do you want to know that?’ - put it back to her each time so she has to reflect on why she’s asking. Potentially she may not even realise how much she does it and thinks she’s just making conversation- or, more likely, she is trying to have a dig.

If you ask her to explain every time why she wants this information, for what purpose, she will be forced to explain. I bet she will stop after a bit.

But, really, an open conversation and asking her to stop should be enough - IF she is really your friend.

HNRTT. Some people have no filter. The repeated questions might be to catch you out and see if the answers change. You could change the answers on principle or 'I don't recall' or allude to a side gig if you don't want to engender interest in your DP's job if you don't want to front her up?