Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

I think deep down it’s because she’s jealous. You can kindly remind her when she over steps her boundary next time that it’s not her business.

Given how much of this post is completely irrelevant details about your circumstances that could have been said without being so specific I’d say you quite like talking about your money.. maybe you do this without realising and your friend thinks this is a topic you like to discuss

Mean! How can she not talk about money when she’s asking for advice on the subject?

I would just say ‘we’re loaded so it doesn’t matter’, then move on.

I definitely talked about costs more when times were tight. Perhaps the ‘doing ok’ is a struggle. If you live in a wealthy area she might find the situation difficult.

I think some people struggle to understand just how much some people earn. On here if you hit the £100k you’re supposed to be loaded, but plenty warm a lot more.

Haha if it makes you feel better @Mumsanetta , I'm exactly the same! The research that goes on... 😂

Maybe you have nothing more in common than you had sex at the same time?

Just because your children are the same age does not mean you have to be friends. Some people will talk about kitchens and house prices over a coffee. Some will talk about fashion. Some will talk about travels.

Yes her questions are nosy - if you do not like talking about money.

Either say something - or dial back the friendship

Sits down next to @BruhWhy, hoping she'll clock my amazing woolly socks because they were on a three for two and I got 15% cashback. But who knew you could spend so much on a single pair of socks.

Years ago, we bought a second hand, fancy bike of the time. Can't remember the make or the bike much but the purchase quickly became the best bit.
DH commutes up to London from our poor, rural, lack of choice area so we've regularly imported the fancy cast offs of the city folk.
He got to the door of a immaculate Georgian house, the woman answered the door with 'cant shake your hand, just stuffing quails' then offered him a glass of wine.
He spent the next 20 minutes sat at the table with the type of kids Catherine Tate was raising when they ran out of olive oil. We still say 'quick sticks'

I think when you have kids it erodes all the certainty in your life. Suddenly you learn to look after a baby overnight, do a full week of balanced timetabling for toddlers with poor impulse control , time management and communication and it's easy to feel that there is nothing solid or easy in your life. Pre kids I could spend months researching a big buy, now when money was tighter we just seem to say 'that will do' and then fret about it later. Even the whole AsDa/M&S/John Lewis sale/binbag from Facebook/Zara online is a cost benefit analysis paralysis.
We need to hear our friends / kids friends mums talk about these decisions sometimes just to calm it down.
However, I did back away from one person when it got too out of balance and I was being used as a brain dump with no room for my life.

I have an acquaintance like this, drives me up the wall.

We're by no means loaded but lucky enough to own a nice semi in a good area and all do regular sports and activites as well as the odd dinner out etc, we should cope with the rising costs with no hardship, but this is balanced by 1 battered old car, mostly modest UK holidays, and buying whatever we can second hand.

Despite both parents of this other family working, they're in a flat, and I get the impression things are pretty tight for them - all too common these days, I know, and I do sympathise.

I'm well aware that we're very fortunate and I'm always careful not to ever sound braggy, especially in front of those with less.

But literally every time I speak to her she manages to turn it to our perceived riches and their lack of: "Playing in the garden? Such a shame we don't have a garden", "Oh you went to Nando's? I wish we could afford Nando's" "How much do you pay for X's music lessons? We could never do that" "I like Y's coat, how much was it?" as well as, like you say, the nosy questions clearly trying to get an idea of how much we earn: "do you get tax credits?", "What about child benefit?"

Don't get me wrong, I have friends I do talk to quite openly about money - some with more than us, some with less, but the difference is we can chat as equals without any resentment. And if a good friend was struggling and we were in a position to help out a little, we would.

But this woman is different, it's literally all she ever asks me about and she's just so bloody nosy and very clearly envious. She seems to have this idea of us having this perfect charmed life (we're actually going through some major trauma that she has no idea of) and a ton of money sloshing around (we don't!). I've got to the point where I go out of my way to avoid her.

Sorry that was a very long post with no actual advice, but I feel your pain and it's extremely tiresome! If you can't or don't wish to avoid her you really need to find ways of avoiding or changing the subject.

Sorry OP, I side in the camp "she can't be your friend, don't try". Some people try to keep up with the Johnses, sometimes with very costly credit card. You can never have a realistic discussion about money or expenses, they are never happy for you. And it does cost to have a "normal" life these days. The worst is when they think they know your price point and for whatever reason (grew up ultra poor, so don't spend etc.) they would be in shock if they really knew AND you keep your mouth shut. It creates some quite incredible scenarios at time. Background will never tell you how sweet and kind or absolutely crazy someone can be. This one, I would pass. She talks about you behind you. Crimson flag.

It just sounds like she finds you materialistic and doesn’t like it / is envious that you can buy what you’re buying / both.

Most people are more materialistic than they think they are. I used to say that I’m not materialistic, because I don’t make that much money. But I’ve realised that I am. We live in a materialistic world. It’s all about clothes and kitchens and cars and houses - and the versions of those things that we buy send out signals to other people.

Sometimes people judge because, in a roundabout way, they are looking for connection. She wants to feel that you are in similar circumstances, have similar values, etc.

I have a friend who does the same thing, but not about money. With her, it’s other aspects of my life. The fact that I don’t drive yet, and she does. How I train my dog. Why I’m not travelling more, when she is. Why I’m not more social, when she is. Etc.

What I do is just straight up tell her how I feel when she makes comments. I also don’t justify anything. So that’s what I’d do in your shoes - say “I feel judged right now” or “I feel uncomfortable with this topic” or “I feel like you’re trying to put me down about my choices on spending”. See where that conversation leads.

I have a friend like this.

Drives me batty, done in a slightly different way as we do not have a massive amount of money.

She saw a designer photo frame with our wedding picture in (was given to us by my best friend for our wedding a long time ago) and normally kept in our bedroom but after moving some furniture ended up downstairs she made a comment about flush we were, no just moved it from upstairs to downstairs and had it for years wasn’t new.

On an evening out for a friends birthday I was wearing a dress every expensive and Jimmy Choo’s and made a dig about how expensive they were (yeps I’ve had them for 10 years ffs well the shoes anyway, the dress was £40 off eBay not £300)

Asked me how much my sofa was 🤦‍♀️ it was from my Gran who passed away and was nearly brand new ffs I hadn’t spent ££££ on it.

She obviously thinks we have more money than we do…and gets jealous I deflect now and ignore her.

I know she’s had some difficulties in the past with money but honestly I don’t need to justify how much my sofa was or wasn’t.

Money is all about what you do with it and how you spend it !
some people will always see what others have/do!

we don’t buy branded foods, takeaways or ready meals. We don’t really drink alcohol (hubby trying to drink last years 2 boxes of Xmas beer before it goes out of date!)

but we do have fairly expensive holidays (having researched and deciding what we’ve booked is good value & what we want to do and spend on).

I know people who earn quite a lot less than us, they complain about not having holidays but spend over £100 a week on takeaways or other people who also smoke!

a family gym membership is CHEAP compared to takeaways and cigarettes! (My gym has a soft play too! & two big pools and tennis courts)

some people always see what others have and don’t stop and think what they’re spending! Or work out how they could have what they wanted.

point is people have different priorities but always see what others have.

About to start in my spare time 😂.

"I can't remember. Why does it matter?" would be a good stock answer to use for most of her questions.
Hopefully she will soon get the hint and stop asking.

Blimey I’ve just googled price of cigarette’s!

£14.70 for 20 b&h. (In Morrisons apparently)
so a couple smoking 10 a day (probably in denial about that number!) are spending over £7k a year !!

that’s a week abroad all inclusive AND a holiday in the UK !

throw in £100+ a week on takeaways it’s over £12k ….that could get people next step up houses or cars easily!

….. it’s the little things! Like buying £400 bikes half price. Being careful! ☺️ & thinking about where you’re money goes.

we loved balance bikes for the DC’s!! …. Only issue was keeping up with them! They can go so fast!

Sounds like your friend is nosey. However she may be loving her ‘comfortable’ life on different form of credit to keep up with the neighbours and school mums and might genuinely be wondering how people afford things. As for child benefit. It’s not something that gets discussed in my circles. No idea who claims it and who doesn’t. There’s a range of families on our school run but no idea what incomes would be like. Other than closer friends who tend to discuss the ‘struggle’ most people don’t talk about finances if they’re in a good position.

On the price of kitchens ….. “mine cost enough! But we don’t discuss final figures because DH doesn’t want to know & it’s not fair for you to know if he doesn’t “

my DH does know! We don’t have secrets. He just tries to block it out! 😂 & it’s conversation ended/changer.

I would withdraw from her. You spend your money as you see fit.

I used to have virtual strangers comment on what my DS had particularly his clothes. My argument was I paid for his things and why shouldn't he have? I felt like they thought he shouldn't have nice things because I was a single parent. It would have made them feel better.

Don't discuss anything to do with money with her. If she asks a nosey question, close her down directly. "I'm not going to discuss that with you" or "I don't discuss my finances." Ignore anything you've heard she's said to other people.

Goodness! I’m very glad I don’t have any friends this boring!
Why would anyone go into such details about what x,y cost.
It does sound to le like your friend just responds to the level of detail you’re so readily willing to share.

"Less than the King (or Queen) and more than the pauper!" was a response to shut up this kind of question about how much you'd spent and make it clear that someone was being too nosy.

I'd shut down any future questioning with that or similar.
It is rude and inappropriate to keep harping on about someone's finances like this and your "friend" is deliberately making you uncomfortable with the way she's phrasing her comments.

I think some people are fascinated because they can’t imagine being in the same position. Doesn’t mean it’s not rude though.

Exactly this.
I don’t have friends in real life, who would actually ask any of those questions but these would be in my bank of answers

People can only see and talk about what they know. Your world and hers are different, far far apart… you know you don’t have to be friends with someone just because you’ve known them for some time? People grow apart. I’ve noticed it’s especially the case when one of the friends becomes more successful.