Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

Jealousy. Jealousy. Jealousy. Wind her up. When she asks questions like ‘How much was your kitchen?’ say ‘£15k. But we can afford it so why not? Also I’m thinking of having new built in furniture in all the bedrooms; we’re getting estimates and it will cost £20k but it will look FABULOUS! Of course, what I earn is all mine so I’m thinking of ….’
Easy to do then it will really give her something to talk about. But I would let your real friends in on the joke.

How long have you been friends? You sound on different wavelengths. Is she more of a mum friend? I’d kind of pull back a bit as she seems very judgemental of other people’s lifestyles & financial position which is pretty alienating & tedious. You shouldn’t have to constantly justify how or why you live the way you do. I’ve worked with someone like this & I could never be good friends with them because their constant commenting on everyone else’s choices & lifestyles (which were far from excessive) relative to hers was just tedious & made the dynamic one of constantly being made to feel bad which is not what friendship’s about.

Btw I agree that at the root of it is jealousy too.

Can you not have more interesting conversations than talking about kitchens and cars? It all sounds exceedingly tedious.

Yeah I would start winding her up as well; she sounds jealous and not much of a friend - give her a swerve in future

But the OP works so unless she only does a very small number of hours, she'll be getting her own NI credits anyway.

OP tell 'Anna' that Frog bikes are very cheap as you'll be able to hand down or sell that £190 second hand bike when DS outgrows it. You generally won't be able to do that with cheaper ones, which are not as nice to ride due to weight and poor build quality.

I'd either stop spending time with her, or give her ludicrous answers to her nosy questions.

How much does your DH earn? Tell her that it's £61k and you actually make most of the household income by dealing drugs, selling your used underwear, writing racy novels.

You do order a lot of clothes but don't actually pay for most of them because you pay for them on credit cards and then keep declaring bankruptcy. On paper your DH owns everything so you don't lose the house, that sort of thing.

She sounds really irritating. Why haven't you just told her? "Do you know that I've noticed that you always..... and I find that really rude and invasive". Then just gently phase her out, see her less, no drama.

(If you can afford it, get the frog bike. Eldest D.C. took months to learn on clunky bikes. Younger ones were about half an hour on the frog).

Friend is nosy. Tell them so.

I'd ask her if she's ok.

You're always talking about my finances. Is everything ok? Are you struggling?

I had a friend like this who was clearly just jealous but I had to stop being her friend because she ended up crossing the line from nosy to extremely rude - I’m a SAHM and DH is a high earner and she actually asked me once how I was going to be able to pay to meet her for drinks as I don’t earn any money!!!

i think you drop her or you get firm this is so rude

every time she starts talking about money just change the topic. If she’s persistent maybe explain the constant chatter about money irritates you.

I could tell she was pumping you for information to talk about you behind your back. At least she is not family.
Anna is absolutely gripped with envy and possibly feeling inferior. The only way for her to feel better is to cut you down a bit. She needs back up validation for this and is recruiting Jane to help her.
Drop this so called friend, she is not worthy of your time or attention.

She sounds annoying as hell. I'd either tell her to mind her own business or start wildly exaggerating how much I'm spending on things just to annoy her.
Anyway having just discovered frog bikes I'm off to convince my other half that this is what the kids need for Christmas. Wish me luck.

I had a friend like this, except she earned more than me at the time and liked to casually drop into conversation how much she earned, what her bonus was etc. She would try and get out of me how much I earned, presumably to make her feel superior. I knew her from uni I am from a more comfortable family background than her and so I think she had a weird chip on her shoulder, whereas I never cared about people's finances. I used to just ignore the comments and eventually she moved to another country so luckily I don't have to speak to her very often these days

Just don’t talk about how much things cost. Why did you tell her how much your kitchen was? If she asks just say “I wouldn’t like to say”. That’s my stock answer if anyone is ever rude enough to ask me the cost of anything and I don’t wish to disclose it. Which is most of the time.

and in response to a comment up thread - you can fill out the CB forms but tick an option not to be paid - if you earn over the threshold - so you get the NI credits but don’t have to faff about physically repaying the money

Just tell her what she obviously wants to hear
“I can afford it because I’m fucking loaded mate, here have another biscuit”

The OP doesn't need the NI credits - she works!

This

@namechange3394 yes I saw that the Op works, my comment was for the previous poster giving inaccurate advice about claiming and then repaying when there’s the option of asking not to be paid.

'HowDoYouOwnDisorder · Yesterday 22:43

Just from reading your post you sound like you really really like talking about money

so you are well matched as friends'

Lol. Yeah 100% 'okish cars' as opposed to your 'good cars same as friends' all sounds so superficial

Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
What does the "soft play for free" comment mean? It reads as though she comments on your spending and you comment on hers.

Why don’t you claim children benefit again?
How did this even come up? Why would you be talking about child benefit?

Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool?
So strange... no one has ever asked me that question. Like, ever.

You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
How does she know what you're ordering and where from? Again, that would never come up in conversation for me.

It really does sound as though you are obsessed with money, talking about it/not talking about it/and trying to sound as though you are not.

If you live in a fairly affluent area frog bikes can be extremely common, especially second hand ones and particularly for younger children. Where we live they are everywhere and constantly passed on.

Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool?
So strange... no one has ever asked me that question. Like, ever.

Ive been asked this.

However, it sounds like you are sharing details that are keeping her interest piqued - you don't need to share that you aren't claiming CB, or that you are doing a clothes order from zara. Don't invite her to come to your gym on a guest pass if you know she's nosy.

Its pure jealousy, as demonstrated so clearly by a couple of posters on here.

Also is she eastern european? I have a few friends from that part of the world and they are much more blunt about things, its not rude where they are from to ask this sort of thing