Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

She just wants to confirm what she already knows so she can be jealous, snipe at you and gossip behind your back.

I like Senten's more direct approach:

"You're always talking about my finances. Is everything ok? Are you struggling?"

Followed up with: Everything we talk about you always bring the subject back round to money. Why?

Please stop doing that because I really don't like it."

Or better still just tell her to FTFO.
Why are you even entertaining people like this?

I had to look up Frog bike. Glad Mn is keeping me abreast of the latest trends / words for a 'balance bike'.

I had some comments like this from a friend and I answered "My mum always told me it was rude to speak about finances outside the family".

Frog bikes aren't just balance bikes. They make all sorts of good quality, well built bikes for a range of ages from balance bikes up until teens.

lol. Makes you sound about 9

We sold our son's Frog bike during lockdown when there was that massive bicycle shortage. Couldn't believe how much people were happy to pay, and how far they travelled to collect it.

But the friend sounds awful. Could you just tell her that her constant questions about your finances are unwanted, boring and you'd like it to stop.

Or this

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
What DID you think the friendship was OP?
Does Anna ever talk about anything other than money?
Does she ever manage to restrain herself from interrogating you about your lifestyle?

Obviously you could only paint a snapshot in your OP, so what I am driving at is - does Anna have hidden depths, or is she always this shallow?

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

If you were telling another friend about the frog bike - would you have detailed the relative costings like this?
Or did you do so purely because it's bloody Anna - who has conditioned you to deflect/minimise/apologise for your purchases?

Either way - you seriously need to stop doing this around Anna.
All you needed to tell her was that you've found a second hand frog bile for DS's birthday. Don't detail costs, & if she interrogates you about cost, shut her right down.
"But how much did THAT cost Lolo?!"
"Can't remember. If you google secondhand frog bikes I'm sure you'll find some examples. Are you having tea or coffee?"

Here's how - do not JADE! -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

How you could regularly be around this person is beyond me.

I have never had a conversation like that, nor have I ever heard such a conversation.

It's really off.

You need to spend time with nicer people.

😂😂😂
Sorry to guffaw at your plight @Salome61 but your ex-friend was so outrageously controlling & entitled I had to find the humour in it!

How very dare you block her btw - you should have sent fulsome apologies, a copy of all your bank accounts, & a spreadsheet detailing the holiday costs. It was her RIGHT to inspect your finances, what are you like, being all private about them? You should have been submitting monthly bookkeeping accounts for her approval ...

Nope. I just did as well.

Just to add I don’t really talk about finances or what I’m spending, I don’t go around being all like I’m so rich I can spend £1000s on a new kitchen. I got a new kitchen…. She asked how much!
somehow with her she just seems to ask me.

I don’t particularly tell her what I’m spending. I mentioned the frog bike as I got a good deal that day and was pleased with the purchase for my son for his birthday. I’ve only just recently discovered Frog bikes myself when our sons went to a bike track together and both rode one. So I thought it was something to talk about as we were together for the first time I saw one.

Maybe sometime I talk about how I’ve just ordered the kids some new clothes and she will be the one to ask from where! She every thought I was fancy for ordering school uniform from M&S and not just going to Asda (love Asda for kids btw!). I think talking about pick up kids uniform is a pretty normal topic for mums with 2 kids in school?

My gym has a softplay for the kids to use as part of my membership. And she asked as we were sat there having a coffee, it was the “please don’t tell me” comment that shocked me.

I do really like her and we get in really well, have known each other since NCT and both had babies close in age and really supported each other in those early days/years. she seems to just go through phases of questioning me about things.

Im trying to be the bigger person and just talk about other things. And like people have said ask her if she’s ok?

Either reply that you pay for it from your side hustle as an erotic dancer or tell her that your sugar daddy pays.

or change the subject each time.
Anna- ‘how much did that cost?’
You- ‘what’s your favourite womble?’

I personally think people are curious and will sometimes ask questions. I would answer in a very vague way and move on. I have some expensive pieces I have been quizzed on and I just say 'a fair bit' and we move on. Prices for most things can be found online anyway so indepth conversations r really not required.

If you like her just be vague. Kitchen cost? Oh I’m not sure, DH did the finance. Gym? Oh I think we got a deal on it, we use it a lot anyway. Bike? Yeah, it does seem expensive but we’ll be passing it on. Clothes? Had a present from granny, makes a change from Oxfam.

Vague answers and a change of topic every time. It would get on my nerves though because I don’t like being criticised by my so called friends.

I would have a frank conversation about her attitude, but that’s just me

the way she is acting isn’t sustainable for having a friendship

Bye Anna

I just ignore her on the whole,

Could have fooled me. You started a thread about her and detailed entire conversations.

I'm not in a dissimilar situation (though we don't spend on fancy cars or frog bikes as i see those things as too temporary to be ideal, but the second hand one is a good point, i should hunt one out!) I keep things very low key (and I'm a natural scruff so dont give off money vibes) but it does keep away the ones that are weirdly obsessed with money.

I'm always surprised by how many parents will blatantly try to "work out" wealth by asking about houses, cars, work holidays etc. I am a very closed book. If they're more interested in all that than health, interests and opinions then they're not friendly. I'd be easing her out of my life, she doesn't sound interested in you, keen to judge you maybe sorry she's like that! It's hurtful when you've put effort into a friendship to feel its not reciprocated

She might come from a really frugal family/background where this sort of conversation is normal.

It is in my family, we're always talking about costs between ourselves/venting our outrage at the cost of things, we're all open about money. My brother recently got a new kitchen fitted and told us all how much it cost so we could go round and collectively faint because he's clearly lost his mind and/or become a millionaire 😁

But I learned very quickly that this is considered impolite to most people, so now I don't even talk about my own bargains with others. People are funny about money. Maybe she hasn't got the memo.

Or maybe she's really skint and is acutely aware of money at all times, I know how this feels and it's very painful - I understand this urge to talk about it even when it's inappropriate.

Either way it sounds as though you don't enjoy her company, so don't spend time with her.

This.