Nosy friend with finances

[LololaLo2012]

My DH is very fortunate to have CEO level job with good salary. He has worked hard to get to where his is, has to work many hours and take trips away most weeks.

I work part time as we have 3 children 6, 5 and 2. My money that I earn is my own and for the kids/extra food after the main shop/myself.

I am just going to state and reiterate that we are in a very fortunate position and I am very grateful. Neither of us grew up as financially comfortable. My mum was a single mum, husband dad was a teacher and mum stayed home)
The kids don’t go without anything, we can afford days out/holidays/decent clothes/x2 cars. Live in a semi detached x4 bed house.
We are not fancy people or materialistic.

I have this friend “Anna” that constantly comments on anything and everything we have.
Like:
how do you afford 2 cars such big fancy cars?
Please don’t tell me you pay £xx amount to go to this gym? (As she is sat in the softplay for free with her children)
Why don’t you claim children benefit again? (I have repeatedly told her nicely and brushing it of almost as not to come across like a bitch - my husband is over the salary threshold)
Why didn’t your daughter do 30 hours at preschool? (Again, nicely, you can only do 15 hours over the threshold)
How much did you spend on your kitchen again?
You do a clothes order from Zara for the kids???
comments on our friends car (same as mine) how much did they pay for that?
Questioning me on how our friend took their 3 children to Disney Paris and the cost?
She alway comments when my husband is “working late” or “working away” as she puts it. Commenting on me having to deal with the kids alone and he needs to pull his weight and help (I’m fine, he has to work these hours. More money comes more responsibly 🤷‍♀️)

So today.. this is why I’m pissed off. I know before anyone says - whatever, get over it! I know I’m just annoyed and I know there are more important things in the world going on!!!

I spoke to “Anna” about my sons Frog for his birthday a couple of days ago just casually as I got a good deal secondhand.
We brought him a secondhand Frog bike £190 vs £380 new.

I found out that “Anna” has been speaking to a mutual friend “Jane” of ours about me and the Frog bike.
“what bike will you get “Sam” this Christmas… not one of those fancy and stupidity expensive Frog bikes” she was trying to get a reaction out of my Jane and Jane felt like “Anna” wanted a “yeah it is a really fancy and expensive bike for a child” Jane did not take the bait, and is actually thinking of getting her son in too!

”Anna” then went on to talk out my friends new car and how much it costs and your husband must be on a good wage! “Jane” was shocked at her basically trying to get out of her how much her husband earns!

I don’t know or want to know “Annas ”financial situation. She works part time and her husband works and they seem to be doing ok? X2 Okish cars, Kids do after school activities, nice clothes and days out and holidays! So I’m a bit shocked that she’s like this at times.

I just ignore her on the whole, it’s more the talking behind my back that I don’t like - but today I just felt a little sad that maybe our friendship isn’t as I thought.
Any advice?

In my old job I was expected to wear smart (expensive) suits but worked with the general public so often got pointed questions and comments about my clothes. I always smiled and said ‘it’s amazing what you can get in M&S these days, isn’t it.’ These days I would talk about how great Vinted is.
@LololaLo2012 this could work for you.
Alternatively, just start being vague with Anna. How much was your kitchen? Shrug, not sure.
It’s a bit gauche and embarrassing really. Does she lack social skills generally?

@Firethrice im not really sure what your saying?

Are you saying I don’t know how much my husband earns? Or that I don’t have access to “his” money?
Im sure a lot of households split finances in different ways - all of which is know ones business!

You earn money to buy B&M bits - are you for real? - I’m just giving an example after you asked about the extra food! Are you telling that that people do a weekly/big shop and never top up over the week/buy cleaning stuff/cheaper things from B&M over supermarkets?

My main post was stating that I’m not talking about money with her - I gave background to my situation. She in my daily life and can see my life, I can’t hide my possessions from her. She is the one that brings the conversation to how much things cost.

Claim child benefit, yes DH will have to repay it under the high income charge, BUT you will get a deemed NI credit for each year you claim

I think over £65k income or something it's advised that you don't claim at all. There are calculators online somewhere - probably on the Martin Lewis site. You just fill in the claim form to get the NI credit but say you don't want to actually claim the payments.

Just change the subject. Say to her that she knows full well that you and your family are wealthy, therefore can afford expensive stuff, so can she please stop making digs about your spending. Talk about the latest book you've read, series you've watched on Netflix, anything other than money.

She sounds jealous and you sound a bit of a braggart to be honest.

Maybe she's just curious and working out how she can do the same for her kids?

Seems like you don't want to be her mate because you can't stand her asking you stuff. You decide.

Honestly life's too short to let these things bother you.

I'm telling you that your DH earns in the top 1% in the country and it is very unusual that you say you work to pay for extras like food and cleaning materials from B&M. If you said you work to build up your pension, your escape if your dh runs away with another women savings, to pay for lux holidays, for private school, cosmetic surgery, your expensive handbag habit, your expensive hobby or some other large expense but you work to buy extra food and cleaning material at B&M like your household income wouldn't cover it otherwise - it's very curious and unusual... I'm saying I'd question you too because it's so odd and I can't believe given how odd it is that you haven't come out with other odd things regarding money with your friend. Please remember I don't know you - I am going by what you have said but I'm offering you an alternative explanation for why you are getting the third degree.

You're right, it is really odd!

How incredibly annoying - it sounds like she’s trying to embarrass you, so just refuse to be embarrassed….if it was me I think I’d be completely bluntly honest on my replies:
‘How do you afford the cars?’ ….’Well, we pay money for them’
’please don’t tell me…the gym’ ‘Yes, I do’
’…child benefit’… ‘because we earn too much between us’
‘Zara…’ ‘yes, I love their clothes’
The only one I wouldn’t answer openly is the ‘how much did you spend’ questions - I’d either say ‘we paid what it was worth to us’ or something flippant like ‘Ah, now that’s a secret & if I told you that, I’d have to kill you’ !!

She sounds jealous and you sound a bit of a braggart to be honest.

After reading the FT and all viewpoints, this is my conclusion. Why bother continuing this “friendship”? It doesn’t sound fun or supportive.

I would just say outright how well your husband earns, why's she acting like she is unaware!

@Maybebabyno2
@Firethrice

So maybe, I seem a bit flippant when I say B&M for cleaning stuff, I go for a look around B&M and pick up those kind of items myself.
I meant it in general sense - I want lunch at work - walk to Aldi buy myself a sandwich and a coke. I like having my own money so I don’t have to “ask” every time I wanted to do something.

Like I have stated from the start and reiterated, I know I am in a very fortunate position that I can essentially use my money as pin money. Even with a higher household income you have to still be accountable for where money is going!

I really don’t think just because one person in the household earns the 1% top salary doesn’t automatically meant the other person money HAS to go on luxuries only.

My friend brings it up. I don’t tell her, come over and see my £xx kitchen. Or can you guess where and how much I paid for this… Now that would be weird!

She also buys herself plenty of “things”, decorated her house, went to centre parks recently over half term. I know how expensive centre parks is but I didn’t ask her. That’s my point! I don’t ask!

@peonyprincess
I really like ‘we paid what it was worth to us’ or something flippant like ‘Ah, now that’s a secret & if I told you that, I’d have to kill you’ !!

Total derail and apologies if it’s already been mentioned, but claim CB but decline the payment then you will receive the NICs you will need for your pension. If you don’t claim at all then your contributions will be short when you come to retire.

Haven't read the full thread, for me it's not so much gossiping, but that she's trying to put you down behind your back, that's not what friends do.

Her pushing to know about your finances could be her way of being ok with the fact that you're obviously wealthier than her. Like the more she knows the more she can reconcile with the obvious differences in your circumstances. I don't think it's a problem that she's sometimes blatantly envious, but it's that tendency to lash out because of it that would be making me unsure about the friendship.

The correct answer to her comments is "Mind your own fucking business Anna and shut your face". Don't use gentle voice.

The thing is, you love it. You love your life style and the things you buy. And no one is saying you shouldn’t.

But you know why she’s like this, you already know. You know she’s got a lower income and isn’t able to get what you’ve got. You know her self esteem is being triggered. It’s going to happen. Whatever you’ve got, whether it’s a loving relationship or children or money - when a friend is feeling the lack, it can get sticky. But you already know this.

It’s a weird one. Is it a case of you needing to be ok with your own wealth? Maybe you’re triggered by your own fortune? Maybe there’s a little awkwardness on your
part?

Do you need your friend to validate your wealth and are getting annoyed that she isn’t?

You clearly want all the things you’ve got (which is OK) and at the same time, you know they speak of your wealth. Whether you want them to or not is irrelevant - certain brands or products or material items say to the world ‘I have X amount of money’. It’s part of the deal. And some people are going to be excited about that and others are going to ask uncomfortable questions.

If you don’t want your poorer friends to be triggered, either you could have a different vibe about your fortune so that it doesn’t feel like a threat (if the relationship is valuable to you) or you can have different friends who are seeing the world from the same place as you and have more in common with you.

Ok then - so you've stated she goes to Center Parcs and buys herself things and decorates her house, so I'd just tell her as @2bazookas says to 'butt out and mind your own business 'Anna''. If after all this she still insists on making pointed comments then review your friendship.

It's obviously irking and irritating you that she's asking this and also getting 'Jane' involved so you have to decide whether a harsh word will work or not, try it, or not, and if it doesn't work, cut her loose.

If you don’t want your poorer friends to be triggered, either you could have a different vibe about your fortune so that it doesn’t feel like a threat (if the relationship is valuable to you) or you can have different friends who are seeing the world from the same place as you and have more in common with you.

Or you can decide to not make any of it about money, & just stick with people who are not slyly digging at you about wealth/income/status symbols. That doesn't mean they need to be in the same income bracket, surely? Some of my mates are very comfortable, I'm currently almost as skint as I've ever been - it doesn't cause any problems because I'm not envious, & not turned on by wealth.

I’m afraid I would have to be blunt, especially if she did this all the time…

Why are you always so nosey about what I spend? It’s none of your business what we do with our money, and I’m getting fed up with your constant questions. Please don’t ask me how much I spend again

Job done.

Usually it’s inheritance, or they earn more in their job than you think.

I remember a friend once asking me directly how much my bonus was. She nearly fell over when I told her.

I witnessed a similar situation with some friends on a WhatsApp chat. One of them married a very well off guy who at some point received a big sum from his family, they purchased a very luxurious property abroad and this other friend was constantly asking about the cost of everything and making snide comments about holidays and stuff like that. In the end she sort of stopped sharing things as she is not someone who would like to brag or show off, shame because I feel most of us loved to see her fabulous lifestyle.

It all came crashing when her husband was caught in an airport at the time of a terrorist scare and this other friend asked her, shit you not, if she was covered by a good life insurance… just imagine saying that to someone who has not heard from her husband in those circumstances.

Still not sure if she is jealous or just lacks any social skill and thinks that’s remotely appropriate. Eventually she disappeared from the group, feel sad but she did say hurtful things to me a couple of times too.

Omg is this a thing? I've 'refused' CB for years because of high earnings. Have I shot myself in the foot?

You could just tell her what things cost when she asks and if she asks how you afford it you could say with my husbands salary.

Inheritance is only thing I can come up with but we see each other weekly and but nobodys death hasn't come up in years! But could be. Or families are subsidising significantly but they have several siblings and i know both their parents so cant be to that extend. I know they don't make too much cause they get childcare discount from the council. Could be bonus from work but I don't think they are too significant for retail workers. Could be wrong! Is it any of my business? Nope and I won't ask. I'm just very curious and I really want to use them as my financial advisor if they've figured something out 😅