Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

Did someone say dignitas? It’s not like you book a flight and just go there! There is huge legal and administrative process to complete. Who will assist with that!? What if you are not mobile or have dementia?

Oh well I'm fucked then 🙄

Seriously katelyn88 I think that those of us who are facing it are quite aware of how bad it’s going to be without you rubbing it in!

Well who will assist you if your kids can't or aren't around anymore? The point a lot of us are making is that life happens, we didn't plan to not have kids, or kids with disabilities, or kids that hate us, and there's no saying what will happen in your life between now and old age.

When you think you are ready to go to Switzerland, it’s extremely likely you will need assistance to get there and to sort out the procedure.

Well, clearly there is no good, much less "perfect" answer, but what really is the point of this question? Just to make people feel bad about something in the future that may never happen? Many of us will die before we reach old age, anyway. Some who think they have a support network in place will find that it's no longer available when the time comes.

I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

You say this like it's nothing. That's an enormous amount of work and pressure over (possibly) many, many years. Having watched my mum do this for her parents, there is absolutely no way I would place this expectation on my own children. My children will not have their own lives, careers and families impacted by taking on this level of responsibility for me or their dad.

That’s why I asked. I wanted to know how to manage on my own.

Honestly. I have DC but I don't see the point of this post, except to make the child free feel bad. The fact is none of us know what's in our future, kids or no.We could all be fighting over water in 30 years.

I’m not rubbing it in. Really sorry if I offended anyone. I just wanted to know how people manage.

But you've also said you expect your children to arrange your care. So you aren't asking genuinely. The truth is who knows, I'll might end up dying sitting in my own excrement and be found 6 weeks later when the neighbours complain of the smell. But there's nothing I can feasibly do right now in my 40s already struggling with a chronic illness to prevent that from happening.

Exactly- my aunt went rapidly down hill when she went into the hospital, one thing after the other. No fit state to sort out her own plans etc.
Of course my children will have their own lives and I wouldn’t want to live with them, but yes I expect them to oversee my care. Even if it’s some calls and emails from another country etc.

And why do you think I don't have that in place already?

This always come up on 'concerned about the childfree' posts - we may not have children, but we will almost always, by dint of being humans with actual human relationships, have younger family members / friends etc, as well the ability to contract trusted professionals such as solicitors / nurses etc.

Or do you think that my relationship with my almost-adult niece and nephew 'doesn't count' somehow?

The childfree do not live in remote bubbles, isolated from all other forms of human interaction or relationships.

A social worker does it if you have no one.

I do have a son but also a burning desire not to live to the kind of old age I've seen family members and my patientsgo through. I don't see that my position is very different from how it would be if I'd never had him.

I have a very stringent advanced directive scanned into my GP record that asks to be moved to palliative care as soon as I lose mental capacity to make decisions about my own care, and am over 60. So with any luck that will take care of the dementia, stroke and head injury scenarios.

I will admit that I'm not yet a member of Dignitas, though I've looked it up and I know how much it costs. That's no good for dementia unless I'm very quick, but should work for a progressive disease like MND, MS or Parkinsons if I step on it.

I've no intention of living past 75 if I can possibly avoid it.

It is and I totally agree. However, you need to accept that it’s not like you’ll have a choice. If you dont want to burden kids, who will do the arranging for you. Please don’t say “I’ll do it myself”. Obviously I’m talking about when you can no longer do it yourself!

I have kids and I don't expect them to have anything to do with arranging anything for me!

I don’t get why you think I need kids to do this stuff. I’m perfectly capable of booking a carer, or calling an airline to say I need assistance changing planes, or arranging an internet shop if I can’t get out of the house. If I’ve decided to go to Dignitas, I’ve certainly got the brain cells left to arrange transport and a nurse to come with me.

I live in a different country to my parents. They live 400 miles from my last surviving grandparent, who at 84 has moved herself in to assisted living flats and along with her friend Jo she thrashes Betty and Tom from flat four at bridge twice a week in the communal lounge.

Having kids doesn’t mean they will live close enough to help. Having kids doesn’t mean they’ll even like you enough to help. I’ve built a life with friends and a partner where I am and I’m never moving back.

Not having children makes some aspects of planning for the future a lot easier: all the money we’d end up spending on childcare, generally raising children and things like university fees can be funnelled into pensions, savings and investments; with no children hoping to inherit we fully plan to use equity release or the like on our home in our older age to fund firstly a great retirement and later any possible care fees.

When it comes to who will sort end of life stuff, I’m not sure why this only applies to the childfree. Anyone of any age should be sensible enough to have advance directives and living wills. Your ten-year-old isn’t going to be much use at advocating for you if you’re hit by a bus and become vegetative next week, are they? You need to make these plans as much as anyone.

No one wants to live into old age or depend on others or lose capacity. ITS NOT IN YOUR CONTROL. It doesn’t matter what you want !!

So what does scanning that directive to your GPs record do? Do they have to honour it? They’ll have legal consequences if they send someone to palliative care just like that!

God what a depressing thread. Yes we can't control what happens when we're older and it's good to plan ahead but can't we enjoy the here and now? Not everyone will end up with dementia or needing care.

My great aunt is now 96, never married or had children. She was fiercely independent , owned her own home and car until around the age of 90 and just old age sort of caught up with her body - definitely not in mind! 😂

She has pretty much be in my life as an additional grandmother figure and alway been around for Christmas, birthdays and special occasions.
My dad took power of attorney a couple of years ago, she moved herself in to a very nice care home. Which me and my cousins visit, not as much as we should, every couple of weeks.
She still has her own mind, sorted out her own funeral arrangements, will and financial stuff before she know she wouldn’t be able to.

Also, without any children (financial drains!) she has been able set herself up for a very comfortable end of life.

This makes sense. Thank you. Where can I start to learn more about advanced directives please? We have our wills.

I have DC and I'm well into middle age. I'm divorced and will probably remain single 😢 so I'm happy I have the DC and maybe eventually GC. I don't see them as financial resources for my old age though - ugh!

This is my plan. I am saving to go into a care home. If I am abused there, well, I will just have to live with it. Better than forcing my kids to live near me if they don't want to ( and they won't).

I have DC.

They will not be responsible for my care in any way, I'll take my own way out one way or another.