Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

I have children but I have no intention of living that long. I’ve watched three Great Grandmothers teeter along into their late 90s, draining their children who were in their 70s of any early retirement enjoyment.

My Grandmothers are in their 80s now. One has massive financial resources and don’t hesitate to buy in whatever they need, but I’ll still need to keep a beady eye out, whether she likes or not.

The other one doesn’t have a pot to piss in and my Aunts are the ones who have had to drop to part time work to be available as well as looking after their DGC whilst my cousins work. I refuse to get involved with her because she’s always a deeply unpleasant person and I’ve not seen her for around a decade.

No thanks. As soon as my physical or mental abilities start to go, I’ll be off to Dignitas or I’ll be offing myself here. I won’t be living a half life for the last 15 years.

Both me and my sister live thousands of miles away from my mum. She takes care of herself.

Whenever my Grandmother talks about why I don’t have any pensions, I laugh hysterically. The thought of me being able to retire is that funny.

Yes, of course because that’s so easy if you’ve got dementia. 🙄

There has been multiple child free threads over the last few days.

My husband might look after me. Or I'll end up in a home. Or I'll be found in a pile at the bottom of the stairs. Or I'll do myself in 🤷‍♀️

I kind of see what you mean, it’s actually my own Grandma who keeps saying things like this. She’s in her 90s and came from a very large family, she only has a few of these family members left now, same with friends, most have sadly passed away. She says she feels very fortunate to have children, grandchildren and great grandchildren as otherwise she’d be lonely. So it’s not so much about care, it’s more about company and family. I do think that’s worth some thought.

Your kids might not want to care for you or help you out anyway, so you might be sitting next to me, wherever I end up 🙂

Probably die alone op but thanks for that lovely thought.

Assisted suicide whilst I can still make a choice.

You arrange your affairs before you get dementia. You can do it at any age, you don’t need to wait until you’re old.

I presume they do the same as people with children that can’t/won’t look after them in their old age. Why are you worried about it, since you expect your children to organise it for you?

Fuck knows. I'm more concerned about the here and now to be honest!

Advance directive. I have no interest in burdening any member of my family in caring for me if they do not wish to (and even if they do!)

They aren’t that bright or scheming! Just go through life a bit clueless!

@Katelyn88 what if your children die before you do? Or get an illness or in an accident that meant THEY needed permanent care?

I have children and even so it frightens me how much you really do need someone to advocate for you when old/ill.

DH got very sick, was fully bedbound and died a year later, in his 50s. He retained all his mental faculties, but even so during that time it was practically a full time job for me, chasing up doctors, hospitals, carers, medication, equipment. Just trying to get people to do their actual jobs. If he hadn't had me, I honestly don't know what would have happened to him. I'm scared about what happens to me in the same situation.

Having enough money to pay for some help should make things easier, but IME there's still an awful lot that "someone" advocating for the patient needs to do and I don't know who that is if you don't have children and ideally children nearby.

As OP says, someone to arrange and supervise the care, but IME that's much more of a commitment than she makes it sound.

What are you going to do if your children don’t want to look out for you?

If you don't have kids, Presumedly no grandkids either so will have a lot more spare dosh to save for care!

@Katelyn88

you may expect your children to arrange your care and keep an eye on things but they wont be doing that if they live abroad, heck they might not even do it if they live 5 minutes down the road

what’s your back up plans?

having children doesn’t mean they will do what you expect

Organise my life myself, with whatever provisions I have? The assumption children will take any interest or concern in ongoing care is a daft one- you don't know the future.

What are you going to do if your children die before you do?

Having children guarantees nothing. They could move abroad, they could go NC, or they could die.

People seem to have this expectation that if they have children those children are going to be the ones looking after them when they’re older. While I absolutely hope that my children are still around and have a relationship with me when I’m older, I absolutely would never have any expectations of my children. In fact I hope that when I die I still have my faculties, but tbh if I am diagnosed with dementia or similar I’ll be off to the other. Side somehow while I’m still able to make it happen. In fact I have no idea why anyone wouldn’t want to do the same and would want to lose their whole identity and expect their children to not only witness the fact but t pick up the pieces as wel. How selfish.

You arrange your affairs before you get dementia

And what do you do when you get dementia but don't recognise it and don't want to stick to your carefully sorted affairs? Having dementia doesn't mean you automatically lose all capacity, there is usually a prolonged period of making poor decisions before that happens. Children or not, all of us would be well advised to cultivate an adult we can trust to have oversight of our affairs as we age.

I don't think money solves it all though. In some ways it.might even make you more vulnerable - there's something to gain from mistreating you.

Yes, you have more choices if you're capable of making them, but if you're not you still need someone to advocate for you. I don't know who that person is, no matter how much money I have. It's terrifying, having seen the "quality" of care DH got even when he did have me fighting his corner.

That’s exactly what arranging your affairs includes - appointing a person or people you trust to oversee things as you age.