Those not wanting children, what’s your plan for old age?

[Katelyn88]

before people pounce on me:
I do NOT expect my children to be my carers, but I expect my children to ARRANGE care and keep an eye on the quality of care and finances.

Those not wanting children - who will supervise your care and finances when you are too weak/forgetful ?

It’s a genuine question. My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

Who will make sure you are getting good quality care and not neglected in a care home? also who will pay care home fees and manage finances? Don’t say “me!” I’m obviously talking about when you can’t do things on your own anymore

I don't understand what you want people to say. What do you want from this thread?

It really doesn't.

I have 2 DS and am now on my own
both live 200 plus miles from me. I physically see each of them maybe 4-5 times per year as they’re working and have limited holidays/ weekends . With that time they need to see my ex, me, their “IL” (though not married) , sibling, and all their own friends , social life etc

I expect that’ll not changed, they will always have lives of their own and have to live where work is. I was the same myself and live all over uk following jobs - so it isn’t like I haven’t expected this ever. They’re not going to be moving closer to me or me to them, in my dotage , and quite frankly my eldest would be a terrible carer 😱. Even if I was still married, that wouldn’t change the inevitable that whoever was last surviving spouse would not have our DS as carers to hand

So having kids does not mean you are guaranteed carers in old age

yep, I have DS on my LPOA as my attorneys, but I have written very detailed expression of wishes on how I prefer them to manage My health and finances when I can’t and they aren’t on hand to visit at drop of a hat,

I have spent a lot of effort getting involved in local community since retiring 3 years ago, and building my own network of friends. There are many women in my situation and we’re all open to supporting others as we know one day we might need favour returned . We check up on each other if ill, or one of us misses a social event, or offer lifts for those needing appointments. There are groups locally that specifically offer these help networks to elderly (I’m not that old- took early retirement and many years before I get state pension)

I also moved closer to my extended family .. so I have some other younger relatives , at a closer distance, that could cover an emergency . Relatives have keys to let themselves in If needed

Similarly , I keep connected with my neighbours - we text each other. I make a point of having tea/wine with them occasionally . One of them has keys too and I know that in an emergency they can also let emergency workers in. At some point I’ll put up a key lock for that as well.

When I moved I also moved to an area with good public transport (train 5 mins walk, bus at bottom of road ) and near hospital and local shops and taxi ranks. It means I will not be reliant on a car

I also moved to a dormer bungalow. Whilst I’m in upstairs bedroom right now, I have a bedroom and bathroom downstairs (guest room currently) I can use if I can’t manage the stairs later in life. I’m a big advocate of “ageing in place” / universal design approaches, and have ensured places like my kitchen are designed for that, as much as possible/could afford. I call it my “carry me out in a box” home (vs my forever home)🤣🤣

Technology is a big untapped resource to use - I hope that’ll continue to advance as I go into older age. Obviously I do all my admin online - that’s easy for my DS to do remotely for me if needed at any time. I now have an Apple Watch so I can call for me emergency support if needs be. Or it auto registers if I take a fall and don’t move . I never leave home without it or my phone which I keep in pocket for easy reach if I’m out on my own. I have Siri by my stairs and bathroom for same reason. And ensure my phone is easy reach if I fall in bedroom (apparently a common fall as when getting out of bed, blood pressure drops) I’ve had3 bad falls in last 5 years so am quite vigilant about this. But am now doing a lot of balance/strength exercises

I will pay for carers if needed, and,much earlier than that, for domestic support like gardening, laundry, house cleans . Probably at some point switch back to online shopping and also ready meals if needed. Ok, I’m fortunate that my pension will cover that, but I budget very carefully and live fairly frugally to ensure I can save for those things too.

I do not want to go into a home. I’m an introvert and I think it will send me batshit crazy quicker than dementia ..but realistically I know it will probably happen . So, I have , (again admittedly fortunately to be able to afford to) , planned to have the savings built through investments for that based on government cap (which they keep moving out) . In around 10 years or so, I’ll probably start to case a few joints to choose what will suit me best if needed (if there are any care home left 🤷🏼‍♀️) .

There are a lot of solutions to living on your own into old age without assuming your kids will look after you. They take forward planning and thinking through. If you do that early enough you can at least try to make financial/ domestic provision for it. Too many people bury their heads in the sand and refuse to think or plan for it

I don’t have a failsafe plan-I’ve identified the risk that I can and have plans to mitigate those. There’s always the unexpected . There again I could just drop dead instantly in 5 years and I won’t need any of it. 🤣🤣🤣😳

Exactly this. I can only think there are some very naïve / young people on this thread. By the time you need care you are usually too far gone to even realise it.

The naivety of parents, as usual, makes me go, 'aw bless.'

I am childfree by choice.

A couple of examples in my wider family:

An old widowed but able bodied aunty of my husband does not have children. She sorts her own life because she has to. She's on good terms with her NDN of 40 odd years but his Aunty lives independently.

Another old relative of my husband moved into a retirement village a couple of years after her husband died. No children, she had a miscarriage years ago and that put an end to any ideas of having a family.

A cousin of my husband died suddenly of a heart attack in his mid fifties. This was seven weeks after cousin's step dad died in his nineties. This left my husband's aunty a widow and a bereaved parent. She now has no relatives as she's live overseas for many decades. She's got friends who see she's alright because she's got bladder cancer and is frail.

I think some parents are in for a rude awakening when they get to their advanced years and all the, 'that'll never happen to me' comes home to roost.

As has been mentioned, adult children move overseas, go NC, get busy with their own lives or have a disability for need for support themselves.

As for me, husband and I have our paperwork sorted.

Should he pre-decease me I will fill out an, 'expression of wishes' or whatever it's called. I will write a living will. I will plan and pay for my own funeral. (This is because I do not trust my only sibling in these matters as I've seen their true colours.) A lawyer will be paid by my estate when the time comes as it will be just another job in their in-tray.

Maybe my nephew/niece will step up. Maybe they won't. However, my point being I will have made my decisions whilst able.

I wouldn't rule out moving into a retirement village or something of that nature.

Mid 40s. Single(ish). No kids.

While I'm certainly not hoping for it or planning on it, I will in theory be in line for a reasonable inheritance. So when I retire I'm going to buy a bungalow within walking distance of the town centre. Hopefully I can just keep hobbling in on a zimmer frame for as long as possible. If I get dementia I won't have any relatives to point out I'm losing the plot, or to stop me from buying tinned peaches (see ' Elizabeth is missing' for the reference). As long as in my own head I think I'm happy then I can be doolally for all I care.

If I don't have enough money for the bungalow and masses of tinned peaches I'm going to buy a motorbike and travel to india and pick a random tribe to befriend and live with in little canvas tent. No gas bills or tv licence to pay!

Failing that I'm maxing out my credit cards and paying someone (anyone) to accompany me to Dignitas in Switzerland.

I tell you what, when you've spent a year trying to get proper pain relief and even close to acceptable care for a realtive dying in pain, come back to me.

My parents both looked after their parents. Granny lived with us until she passed away. Me and my sister live within 5 miles from parents and inlaws live around the corner from BIL. I have no idea how childless people manage.

You are ssuming that DC stay near where they grew up. DD lives 120 miles away. there isn't much here for her. I have told her that when I am old and decrepit I don't expect her to look after me and I shall go into a home.

Exactly. People are giving you a variety of answers from I'll do it myself, to some other family or friends will hellp to I'll die on my own with no care or be horribly neglected and abused. What do you want people to say?

Probably fed up with photographing “3 going on 13” , “Sassy” Saffron and remembered it’s actually shit.

Bitching.

That's why op is not answering questions about her plans if her kids go NC or similar.

I’ll move near them. What makes you think I’m a tree?

We have a pact, favourite bottle of booze, cold night. It’s been mentioned a lot on another forum I use. Hopefully I’ll have the wherewithal to do it.

A drinks party in January? Or have I completely missed the point?

I have no idea how childless people manage

My inlaws have several children and all have immigrated and they're getting on now.

Indeed

mum's been on a geriatric ward and now in respite care. It is horrifying. People in their 90s with children who have died, or are in their 70s and can't cope with their parent, understandably.

I seem to be a bit friendless post lockdown but I hope a friend, neighbour or solicitor can take PoA if I lose my marbles. But having seen dad as deemed to have capacity when he was at death's door and couldn't think, I can't imagine they use that till a stage I hope not to reach. With my health and lifestyle, tis very unlikely.

wasn't there a 90 year old scientist who went to Dignitas because he could no longer live alone?

when mum was admitted, a paramedic gave me a ciggie, and I was like, oh this is a superking. She said "well of course - in my job, I know damn well not to get old".

oh and mum's been in respite care nearly two weeks now. No one seems to have visitors bar her, and one other lady. We have chatted to other residents and they mention children but I suspect they booked their own care.

You would move to another country? I live in a different country to my parents. So does my only sibling.

The world has changed.

What's with the influx of multiple threads about not having children.........

💛

Oh I expect I'll just starve to death slowly in a puddle of my own piss, would that make you happy?

Maybe ask one of the child free forums??

But also, probably the same thing you’ll do…. Be supported by our (underfunded) social care system. Only I guess some will have more money so maybe they’ll end up in privately funded places.

Im not sure if most people are fully equipped to make decisions about care needs …… maybe if your children are in social care they’ll be equipped with the knowledge to make the ‘best’ decisions but if not, it’s so tricky (it’s a whole sector of professionals who work with peoples varied and complex needs… How will you equip your children to negotiate it, and have the knowledge to make decisions about negotiating your care… or will you hope they rely on the professionals, and just hope funding improves over the next few years!)

I think it's very easy when you're young and healthy to say you'd never want to be burden on DC and I'm sure you mean it now.

An entirely different thing when you're frail and vulnerable and scared.

We see this all the time. Parents who've lived very independant lives become very needy in extreme old age/ill health.

If they don't live near you when they're older, chances are they don't want you rocking up and moving next door!

Funny you should mention Zimmer. Of course we are all different but I still reel at the shock of dad needing one. I never ever want to reach that stage. He died shortly after.

I do think when the time comes, I will have the courage to do what's needed.

But they mean it later. Mum is upset at being a burden and feels she has lived far too long. I am glad I won't be anyone's burden.

I have 2 children. I have firm plans in place for my care needs. I don't intend for my children to have anything to do with it at all except the occasional visit if they wish. I'm very likely to get Alzheimer's and would prefer they forget about me before I go to downhill.

I'm a social worker so know what happens if family don't do any support or arranging, and I know what arrangements need to be made.