DD's dad wants me to give up pork!

[GrassIsGreener7]

The father of my child does not eat pork for his own personal reasons. I have always eaten pork and at the beginning of our relationship, made it clear I would still do so. I got pregnant and for various reasons we separated. Throughout my pregnancy, he started demanding I didn't eat pork as he didn't want his child to "eat" pork. I told him I can eat whatever I want and it caused many arguments.

The baby is now a few months old and I exclusively breastfeed her. I have still carried on eating pork and DD's dad is furious about this saying I am going against his wishes about what food he wants his child to consume. I think he is being completely ridiculous and so does my family but wanted some unbiased opinions about who is being unreasonable here?!

I agree with this an its good advice.

Adults can eat what they like but if you are raising a child together you need to consider both parental viewpoints and each will have "big issue" points - if you want your own views respected you need to consider those of the other parent.

I think you misread her post

People seem to be missing that the OP has already articulated a willingness to compromise. She states that she's happy for DDs dad to feed her as he wishes when she's weaned and he has her. That, incidentally, is a lot more than XDP is doing here.

They're not raising the child 'together' though, she is the primary custodial parent, he just visits sometimes. Therefore, its totally her right as the primary parent and residential parent to feed her daughter what she wants.

He can feed her what he wants if he ever has her on his own.
Until then, it is 100% the mother's decision.

Pigs are emotional, intelligent animals. I view anyone who eats pigs as the same as those who eat dogs. The only difference is tradition. But you do you.

I think you can eat what you like. But I also think it’s okay for his child not to be given pork until they are old enough to decide for themselves.
my DH avoids beef for religious reasons. I eat it because I’m not the same religion but we have agreed not to offer it to our young DC. They can decide for themselves when they are older.

Hopefully your DH never tried to control what you ate during pregnancy and if applicable breastfeeding though? Because that's a really, really important factor here and one that a lot of the people talking about how OP should consider not giving the baby pork are missing.

This sort of behaviour is a massive, massive red flag. This is not a man who has shown any evidence that he intends to behave reasonably or have the slightest respect for OPs wishes. He doesn't even think she ought to have autonomy over her own body.

For that reason, boundaries around diet and it being clear that he doesn't get right of veto are particularly important in this setup. It wouldn't matter so much if he hadn't been trying to berate OP into following his dietary rules for what must be around a year now, but he has. This is not a man who has behaved respectfully and approached the issue in a spirit of compromise, and many of you are completely ignoring that.

It would have been one thing if he had said to OP that he would not be feeding their DD pork when DD is in his care and then asked politely if she would be prepared to do likewise until DD is old enough to make a decision on pork for herself, and respected her decision of no.

He didn't do this though. He demanded (not asked) OP to not only not give her DD pork but to stop eating pork herself. He tried to control OP's diet in pregnancy and breastfeeding. This isn't ok - it's controlling behaviour.

I'm a vegetarian, as is DH, but if I was married to a meat eater I wouldn't countenance a demand that I ate meat during pregnancy and breastfeeding. The diet of a pregnant and or breastfeeding woman is up to her, not the father of her child. Her body, her choice.

OP - leverage the situation!!!

Pretend to compromise. Say that even though you will really miss pork, you completely understand and respect his perspective and will do this for him.

Carry on eating pork to your heart’s content.

But then refer to this when you want something from him ie extra Maintenance over Christmas period? Him to go halves on a new boiler? Him to come over and “babysit” whilst you meet a friend for lunch (bacon sarnie perhaps)

From what the OP says he is an engaged and interested parent who will be sharing parental responsibility as the child grows. In which case both parents' views on the child's diet, schools, religion and a whole other range of potentially contentious subjects need to be agreed between them. Picking your hills is good advice.

If the OP was bringing up the child on her own with minimal involvement from the father then I'd say yes, OP gets to decide. However that isn't what the OP has described.

I'd give you the same response I'd give him. Which is the response given in Arkell v Pressdram.

Do not entertain him.

Talk to Women's aid for support if he does not back off.

His behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Do not accept it.

Trying to control what you eat is highly abusive.

Flag it with your GP and health visitor.

You do not have to accept this.

What do dogs taste like? That's the other difference.

Well no it's not tradition, it's culture. Some cultures eat pork, some don't; some cultures eat dogs, some don't.

It's not really relevant to @GrassIsGreener7's question though, which is whether she is being unreasonable to eat whatever she wants. Of course she isn't, she is free to make that choice. Nobody else – and particularly an ex-partner – gets to make those decisions for her.

Your religion doesn't really come into discussion here nor is it anyone's business.

Neither is it his business if you feed her pork or if you eat pork.

I agree your completely reasonable to say if when she goes with him he can say she won't eat pork.

@Eskimolove I only mentioned it as a pp started saying my ex might force my daughter to start wearing a hijab.

Go to a pig farm......spend a day there. I work at a farm....they raise sheep...but bought pigs....I feed them....they are more intelligent than dogs...they scream when their babies are taken away.....I dont eat meat now.

Good for you. Doesn't really help OP though does it?