To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

Not sure about that, I have never tried to conceive but I’m not sure I could ever have had a termination? No offence to people who have different views

Very good point!

I always thought I'd have kids when I was younger. Once I got married at 23 both me and husband were on the fence - if we do, we do etc. Then as we hit our 30s we just never thought about trying and by the time I was 35 (DH a few years older) we'd both decided we loved our lives, didn't want the burden of children (despite us both having excellent relationships with our own parents).

It basically comes down to being too selfish to give up the disposal income and freedom we have. Funnily most of our friends have made the same decision about not having kids so those with them are in the minority.

I love kids, just in small doses and with the ability to return them.

She’s not wrong though.

I worry I'd be lonely

Have you seen the amount of parent/child NC threads on here 😂

In my friendship group (mid 30’s-50’s) I’ll say about 70% of us are not in the same country we were born in and at this point have no of going back. Only a few live local-ish to their parents and don’t really get along with them. One friend works in a care home and only a handful of residents have regular contact with their family.

I’m not saying it will happen to you but it could.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup what a depressing thought

I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. I don't want to raise or teach children how to behave or learn in this world. I couldn't afford to raise them even if I wanted to. I don't really like interacting with children even if it were my own. Having a child doesn't add anything positive to my life it just takes things away. It removes my freedom, money, priorities and general wellbeing. I wouldn't be a good mother and it wouldn't be fair to the child. I also don't think its a good impact on the planet bringing more people into the world. The future is bleak for the next generation and I don't want to be responsible for brining more people into it.

That being said, I'm very curious about the pregnancy and giving birth part. I'm in bewildered ore that our bodies have the potential to produce life the way that it does. But I'm not selfish enough to satisfy my curiosity by getting pregnant just to experience it because I don't want all the stuff that follows on from having a baby.

I find it much easier to understand why people wouldn't want them. I'm on the fence and if I got pregnant accidentally I would also keep the baby

You may think your family life is all rosy OP and it very well might be

but it’s clear already from your post that you have a narrow minded view of life

you may be a great mother and your kids feel well loved and supported.

but you also might be a bloody awful mother who’s children aren’t having the rosy life you think.

i know many many mothers who think they’re wonderful who’s children have grown up deeply unhappy.

the point is - what works for you might not work for other people.

its odd that you even have to ask the question tbh.

I thought this was an excellent reply from ‘somuchtolearnabout’.

Well personally I want children. But OP, can you honestly not understand why someone might not?

Children aren't exactly a walk in the park, are they? They are noisy, demanding, hard work, messy, expensive, and you have to change your entire life to accommodate them.

Having a child is a lot to take on and that's not to mention the ethical dilemmas about the kind of world they are growing up in with economic crises, climate change, etc.

I find it harder to justify my own longing to have a child, than I do to understand the perspective of people who decide against.

Although people don’t like these questions being asked (me included), being childfree is becoming a more ‘popular’ choice so I do think it’s good the OP is asking about this before her children are grown up as if they’re childfree she will be better equipped to understand them.

Yes, you're right, it's goady, but hey, here goes.

I hated being a child and couldn't wait until i was an adult. To me there is nothing magical about childhood.
I hated the company of other children as a child. They were dull, boring and not interested in the things I was interested in.
I have no urge to reproduce.

I have no maternal instincts.
I have always preferred animals to children and still do.
I find babies, young children, older children and teenagers all dull and boring.
I find the company of children irritating.
I do not relate to children and I do not relate to parents of young children, so my life has been built around adults: my friends are all childfree or have adult children.
I have no interest in anything to do with children.
If I'd have had a pregnancy scare when I was younger, i don't know what I would have done because I have enough catholic rhetoric left in me that I'm not sure I would have had an abortion; however, knowing that, I made sure I was never stupid enough to put myself in that position.

To me, your life is the strange one. Sorry.

Personally, I think this is mostly emblematic of having a child with a shit man. I have a good friend whom I recognise in your description who was an interesting, accomplished, unusual woman before DC and her life has certainly shrunk, because her H is a selfish dick who doesn't pull his weight. But she still is that interesting, accomplished woman underneath and hopefully as her kids get older that woman can shine again. I think if you have a partner who pulls their weight then the diminishment is pretty temporary. If you don't, it can be permanent.

I always feel like people who can’t understand why anybody wouldn’t like something that they do are a bit thick if I’m honest. MIL is like this - she can’t understand why we wanted a different breed of dog to the one she always has, can’t understand why we don’t want to live down the road from her, doesn’t understand why we don’t want to holiday in her regular destination. It’s like their minds can’t process that people like different things and we dont need to understand exactly why.

Freedom. Freedom to live for you, just for you, just for your goals and what makes you happy. Freedom to choose your career, partner, location, to change those things when you want to. We only get one life, so it’s reasonable to want to put ourselves front & centre in it.

My daughter is wonderful but I don’t have freedom to live my life as I’d choose anymore. I always wanted to busy career with a ton of travel- my work would involve living in a developing country, if I had that option (and I did so before I was married with a baby).

I think most people have children because they think they ‘should’- it’s only after they have them that they realise how much they love them/ couldn’t live without them/ etc. it’s hard for me to imagine ‘really wanting kids’ before you have them- how can you know what it’s like or how you’ll feel?

I have mental health issues and a dysfunctional upbringing. I am a deeply unhappy person (despite having a loving partner) and I didn’t want to pass any of that on to another human being. I find life very painful and I never wanted to be the cause of another person suffering like I do.

I do have a child and they seem ok but it has been a massive, huge effort on my part to shield them from the worst of me. I still torture myself with guilt over every little thing I have done wrong in their life. I live with tremendous anxiety every day. I knew this was how it would be, this is why I didn’t want kids.

Yes my child is amazing and I love them with all of my heart but I still feel sadness, grief, guilt, stress and anxiety every day.

I would never wish them away but there has not been a happy ending for me.

@ChocFudgeBrownie Of course it could but based on the family dynamic with both mine & DH families I very much hope not. I have 3 siblings, 2 live abroad. My parents visit both siblings around 3/4 times per year and they both come home to visit every Christmas and normally once in the summer. I am vvvv.close to all 3 siblings. DH has 2 siblings and his parents who all live down the road and we are very close to his entire family. Equally all are v.close to grandparents still living. No NC in history for either of our families, incredibly boring and drama free but it isn't our reality to go NC with family, unless something severe happened. Which is always a possibility. Never say never, but I hope not.

It's relentless - to say you have plenty of time away etc but many may not have the same level of support.

Can't afford them/childcare bills - even as fairly middle earners they're too expensive. We bring in approx 4K net. Not a bad wage but our mortgage is £1.5K a month on 1.5% interest and thats running out soon. Add rising bills etc and we can't afford maternity leave or over £1K a month childcare. Add on growing out of shoes, clothes etc every few weeks and it won't work. Normally sure we'd be fine, but in a recession we're up shit creek.

We're selfish and like to be able to sleep and just do what we want when we want and not need to worry about kids arguing or getting bored or back in time for a nap or bed time.

I never wanted children. Too much work, and I was worried I would get fat again. I accidentally became pregnant & decided to keep it.

I wouldn’t say I regret it, YET, but I have got fat again, and I’m the fattest I’ve been in ten years. I’m six months post partum & it’s like the weight is just stuck to me. I also have been debilitated by spd. If I walk further than a certain distance I get terrible pain. I struggle to work out as I cannot do most moves. I had never heard of spd before pregnancy and I had no idea I would end up pretty much disabled. I think if I had had an easier pregnancy I would be happier. My baby isn’t particularly difficult to take care of.

If I accidentally got pregnant again however I would have an abortion.

@thesurrealist No apology necessary. But again, everything you've mentioned is around children as children. Nothing about what happens afterwards

I looked after my nephews a lot when they were little and despite loving them dearly, felt that was all the child rearing experience I needed. I also saw first hand how bloody hard parenting was on my sister, especially when she was going through PND. I had suspected parenting was pretty joyless most of the time from observing my own mum and dad growing up and did used to wonder why they’d bothered
Given the state of things and the way the environment’s headed I’m so glad I haven’t got kids

I made sure I was never stupid enough to put myself in that position.

Ugh

I like the idea of them but don't know if I genuinely want them. I'm used to going to places like Africa/India etc every year with my camera, as I am gradually etching out a career in wildlife photography and conservation for myself. If I settle down and have kids, all of that will have to stop. I don't know if I want to trade that for toddler tantrums and school runs etc.

I have never, ever, wanted children. It wasn't a difficult decision, it just never crossed my mind that I should. I really don't enjoy their company, the thought of dealing with them day in day out is tedious. They're messy, noisy, expensive and irritating. I really have no interest in them. And yet here I find myself unexpectedly pregnant. I have no idea what I am going to do next. But I can assure you that there was not even a tiny part of me that wanted to be in this situation, my heart just fell when I saw the result. If we decide to keep it, it will because I can't face the alternative, not because I secretly wanted one all along.