To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Questions I'd love to ask people with kids but don't because I'm not a dick:

Gosh, do you think you'll regret having them?
Why on earth did you have them?
Why didn't you consider an abortion?
Aren't you worried you'll mess them up?
Are you worried your husband will leave you now you've got kids?
Aren't you worried he'll have an affair now you've got kids?

All variations of the opposite of what I've been asked as a childfree woman. As someone said, it works both ways OP.

You're coming at it from the wrong angle - of course it's hard trying to imagine feeling completely opposite to the way you do about anything.

Just think of something you've absolutely never had any interest in - working in politics, following your life according to a particular religion, living in another country, training to run a marathon, having sex with another woman, living in the middle of a huge city/very rurally, whatever. Something you understand that other people love doing and have always envisioned themselves doing, but you, while not seeing anything wrong with it, just have never 'got' yourself. It's as simple as that. You can add all sorts of reasoning onto it to justify your decision but you can't make yourself WANT to do it.

Perhaps, if you had to move to Thailand or New York (say for your DPs job) you might end up enjoying it or making a success out of it, in the same way women who've never wanted kids can be great mothers, but if possible, you'll avoid it because you don't want it.

you know that feeling you have of knowing deep down, viscerally, without having to give it any conscious thought, that you want kids? That it’s just part of the fabric of your being and never been a question? That’s how I feel about not wanting them.

I have never seen them as part of my life or future. I know on a subliminal level that I fundamentally don’t want them, the same way I know I don’t want cancer or to lose my legs. It’s not a conscious decision not to have them, I’m not fighting a part of me that does want them, the desire just does not exist in me and frankly I can’t relate to why anyone would want them, but I accept other people obviously do.

I’ve also had an abortion after a contraception failure and have no regrets. I was absolutely horrified to discover I was pregnant and couldn’t wait to get it out of me. I hope I never have another accidental pregnancy but I wouldn’t hesitate to get another abortion if I needed one. It wasn’t in the least traumatic (but being pregnant was).

and like others there just isn’t anything about children that appeals to me. I’m very, very thankful every day that all but one of my friends are childfree and likely to stay that way. The one with a kid makes an effort to do stuff without her child. I don’t mind hanging out with her and her child but it would never be my choice to spend time around kids. Until they’re about 8 or older I find them pretty gross and annoying.

And as others have said I like my lifestyle and being able to do what I want, when I want. Even the commitment of having dogs annoys me sometimes but I find them much cuter than babies.

I worry I'd be lonely and I have many many friends but they've all got their own lives (and families!)

When you’re childfree, so generally are most of your friends, as a rule. I have a large network of excellent friends who feel the same way I do about children and we fully expect to all still be going on holiday, out to dinner, to the pub, on bike rides, walks and runs, having house parties, taking day trips and going to Burning Man together when we’re in our 70s, just as we are now!

FWIW, I will say this - my children are small, but DH & I have lots of free time away from them. We have lots of holidays and weekends away just the two of us, we have impromptu date nights and trips away just the two of us. We get plenty of sleep, we have plenty of disposable income. The house is noisy but I guess maybe our preference is that we like it like that?

I guess the most simple reason is that people don't want kids because they just dont. And it's none of business and who gives a shit what I think (you shouldn't) but I'm being nosy and I'm simply just interested because as much as you may disagree, having children is actually the norm in our society. So not having them does often raise the question of "why"

Surely they get more expensive as they get older? And they're always noisy, other people just are. It's not just babies crying, they're noisy in all sorts of ways, at all ages. I like peace and quiet.

When my friends come round with children it's utterly exhausting just having them around. Relentless.

And what about when you're older? What if your OH isn't around anymore? I worry I'd be lonely and I have many many friends but they've all got their own lives (and families!)

OP did you have your children as an insurance policy for your old age?

@TedMullins you know that feeling you have of knowing deep down, viscerally, without having to give it any conscious thought, that you want kids? That it’s just part of the fabric of your being and never been a question? That’s how I feel about not wanting them.

See weirdly, this actually does make sense to me. Thank you

And social conditioning as well

I don’t want the responsibility.

Someone said, being a parent means only being as happy as your unhappiest child. Why would I want that?

The constant worry about feeding, sleeping, development, which school, birthday parties (oh god the angst of birthday parties), teenagers, the risk of drugs, teen pregnancies, (un)suitable relationships, exams, the list just goes on. I don’t find any of that even vaguely attractive.

I just don’t want children like I don’t want to be an accountant or I don’t want to move to Australia or I don’t want to learn Italian. No particular reasons, it’s just not something that interests me.

My cousin didn’t want children but she got pregnant after a birth control failure and when abortion was explained to her she couldn’t go through with it. She isn’t happy being a mother but she felt it was a better option than abortion, maybe your friend is the same.

@somuchtolearnabout my neighbours child is 8. He is very noisy. 8 years is not a short time.

@Atlantic252 No but I admit it's an added bonus. Almost like a built in friend for life. As long as they haven't got fed up of me by then!

I dont feel positive about the prospects of humanity over the next 30 to 50 years.

And yeah, all of this.

I'm always a bit surprised when anyone I know has kids, even though it's perfectly normal and I'm at the age when all my friends who are going to have them are having them. I just think, "why??".

I only think it though.

The thought of being pregnant (something growing inside me) scares me.

I’ve never felt maternal. I tolerate other people’s kids but am glad when I no longer have to be in their company. I don’t particularly find kids cute as a rule. Much prefer animals.

I value my freedom and my time. I’ve always had a busy life and I just don’t see how kids fit into that. I’m now married to a man who has kids who I love (especially now they are older) but I don’t have to be there for them. So I carry on with my plans while my husband spends time with the kids.

i don’t understand the urge people have to have kids as I’ve never felt it. I look at people with 3 or more children and just think what a drain on time and resources that must be - how can they afford it?

I’ve never been pregnant. Never tried to get pregnant or wanted to be. It’s just not for me. In the same way that I’ve never smoked or sky dived or gone scuba diving. It’s never appealed.

In all seriousness, what if they do?

I love my parents to pieces but I hope they never relied on me for their later life friendship: I phone them once a week and visit about once every couple of months.

@Hyperion100 Hmmm no maybe not, but if everybody felt that way then we'd be extinct not long after anyway

Literally everything about having children, pragmatically speaking, is in the "con" column. They permanently damage your body, they cost you a fortune while simultaneously making it much harder to earn money, they require enormous sacrifices of time and freedom and personal preference, they worry you for life, and nowadays they probably won't keep you in your old age or even visit you in your nursing home very much, so why bother?

I say this as someone who did have kids and doesn't regret it, but I was always very aware that having them, from a logical POV, makes absolutely no sense, and I'm fairly sure that there's a me in an alternative universe who didn't have them and is perfectly happy. It says a lot for the strength of hormones and the sex drive, not to mention how stigmatised abortion is, that so many people do have them.

I have a genetic disability that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Also children are expensive hard work.

I just never wanted them. No regrets.

Ask people in real life, then.

If your questions aren’t offensive and ridiculous, ask them of real people you know.

So our only purpose on this planet is to reproduce?

I agree with you op - I’m baffled why the biological urge that was so strong in us is completely missing in others.

I think the reason I find it difficult too is that people I’ve met over the years (men and women) who were adamant they didn’t want kids, were without exception doting, devoted parents who ‘should’ve done it sooner’ when they did have them for whatever reason years later. Their holidays and hobbies never really came near the satisfaction of having children.

…And a lot of the reasons people give - freedom, sleep, noise, lack of interest etc is completely turned in it’s head for many people when it’s your own scrap of DNA. Other people’s kids are never a good yardstick for the all-consuming and visceral way you feel about your own.

It’s actually good that some people don’t want them - for an overpopulated, choking planet these folk are heroes but I agree op, I find it interesting too.

A lot of people who want them shouldn’t have them.

Itd be more interesting to know why people who love freedom, hate noise, need lots of sleep, like quiet alone time, are broke, have little support and have only been with their latest DP for 5 minutes want children.

The amount of people who complain non stop about their children yet still go on to have 2 and then be pregnant with the third because ‘accident contraception failure’.