To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Because there's far better things I could be doing with my short time on this earth!

I never really had a maternal instinct, but as I’ve got older the the “against” list has got much much larger than the “for” list:

• terrified of birth. The horrific treatment of women so often shared on here has vindicated a feeling I’ve had for a long time.
• the risk of having a disabled child. That is not a life I want for myself.
• the financial burden which I will inevitably shoulder compared to a father
• giving up a career I enjoy. I couldn’t do what I do with DCs
• they just seem a bit hard when little. I guess the love gets you through, but what if you don’t love them?

I’m a step parent and properly love it, but wouldn’t want them full time.

Totally disagree. I am not talking about it in terms of having to shoulder the child rearing load or being a SAHP. In many ways it applies to men as well though it does seem to be to a lesser degree. It is the loss of identity and reduction of the individual, you say your friend is the same ‘underneath’ which suggests she has changed significantly and not for the better. I will be interested to see if these women re emerge in 10 or 20 years but in reality for many of them they will never be able to regain that which was lost.

I don't mind children, have had a couple of solid long term relationships that could have led to kids, but despite being laissez faire with contraception it never happened and I don't feel particularly incomplete or devastated.

In the same way that if I never go to Thailand or run a marathon or learn Spanish I'll listen with polite interest to those who have, but won't run to book myself a flight/buy trainers/download Duolingo. Good for them, etc, now pass me my book and put the kettle on.

@Prescottdanni123 DH & I went on safari when I was pregnant with DC2 and it was fantastic, one of the best trips ever. Having children and having life experiences needn't be mutually exclusive

I disagree. Even doing 50% of childcare is enough to meaningfully diminish a person.

I've never been maternal and pregnancy and birth absolutely terrifies me - the fact that medical professionals seem to dismiss you as an autonomous person and women can die during childbirth has always been at the forefront of my mind.

Nonetheless - I just believed the 'It's different when it's your own' and 'When you're pregnant, you'll feel differently' BS - got pregnant and subsequently became suicidal and it was a choice of taking my own life or terminating - I terminated and will never, ever go through that again.

So why didn't I HAVE children? as I just don't feel I can - I literally can't cope with the hormones, I can't cope with the thought of something growing inside me for 9 months and I can't cope with the way that so many midwives / Drs don't treat you well during pregnancy and childbirth (I was present at my sisters daughters birth, in the hospital 9 years ago... they treated her appallingly and she has PTSD and won't have any more children.... the whole thing was horrific).

What do you mean by ‘diminish’?

I could list many reasons here: childfree = more freedom ,more money, less worry, lots of sleep, time for myself.
But the main reason is that I am just NOT INTERESTED. Never had any interest in children and the thought of being responsible for another human being is very unappealing.
And it never seems to end. My friends with grown children still worry about them.

I never wanted children but did eventually end up having one. I don't regret that decision but I'm sure my life would have been pretty fabulous without a child. My marriage has certainly suffered.

The main reason I didn't want children is that I had suboptimal parenting role models growing up. I didn't want to repeat the endless cycle of shit child/parent relations that exist in my family. I have done a lot of work to avoid this happening with my own child but the work is ongoing and responsibility huge.

She said she wanted to be a professional wildlife photographer?

that’s quite different to going on one safari.

Of course you can still do stuff when you have children but you do those things as a parent and lots of people don’t want to be a parent. It’s like asking why you don’t own a horse, you can go on holiday if you have a horse, you can read and go out to dinner and have whatever else so why not get a horse? Or two?

Agree with everything everyone else has said. But something nobody has mentioned is that it’s an irreversible decision. If you change job, or partner, or move to a new country and it turns out to be a shit idea that doesn’t make you happy, you can undo it.Once you’ve got a kid, you’re pretty much stuck with it. It’s not “give it a go, what’s the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is that three people are totally miserable. Maybe even loads more than that, if you do such a bad job of parenting that the kid goes on to make others suffer.

So it would be a really, really stupid thing to do given that you know upfront that you’re going to have to change or sacrifice everything that makes you happy, and instead start doing lots of things that are painful/difficult/boring/expensive.

I’m really envious of posters saying that all their friends are childfree as well though, because literally the one thing I regret is how isolated it has left me. Almost all my friends have children and have happily pivoted so that everything revolves around them. I wouldn’t have decided differently if I’d known, but it’s a real downside.

For women, starting from a very young age, I think the message is still very much that when you grow up you will marry and have babies - because you are a female. That ultimately, what ever you will do with your life, you will end up having children, because that’s what we are expected to do as women. It’s an expectation, of women, fuelled from childhood. Look at all the toys for girls - so many are baby dolls, toy prams, all the toy paraphernalia that mimics grown up life, including toy kitchens, toy hoovers - everything aimed at girls playing “mum” and “housewife “. It’s all socialisation, and so it carries throughout a. women’s life. Single? Oh you need to meet someone because time is ticking. Newly married, well the next step is a baby because apparently that’s what marriage is all about.

Given all of this, it’s safe to say that there are many women who did not want children, for a million and more valid reasons, who were not maternal, and yet who were so excessively socialised, so conditioned to believe that they should have that baby because that’s what women do, regardless of their feelings.

I can’t relate to wanting kids. Or not liking traveling and city living. I can’t understand why anyone would willingly go camping.

what I can understand is that people want different things 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve never experienced the desire to have children, only aversion to the prospect. I’ve been pregnant and I ended it as soon as I was able to. Just no, not for me.

For someone who claims to want to understand you do seem to be being deliberately obtuse. If you really cannot the difference between developing a career as a wildlife photographer and going on a safari holiday, then I am not sure you will ever really understand.

I’m great with children. I work with them, I have had nephews, nieces and god children around me and find them amazing BUT I’ve never had that big maternal pull enough for me to want my own! It’s that simple. It’s just not there

Add in other factors like the disaster of a world we live in and my partner not wanting any either. Me quite liking my life as is. It seems to affect other people and their opinions of me than my life tbh!

1. I have no maternal instinct
2. After about an hour with children I'm bored
3. They are noisy and messy. I like peace and quiet and I struggle enough cleaning up after myself!
4. I like the freedom of being able to stay out late/overnight without having to pre-plan.
5. I want to travel and doing that with kids would be a very different experiences I don't want.
6. They are very expensive. I don't earn enough for a bigger flat in London, don't want to move out of London, and have many other things I'd prefer to spend my money on.

Number 1 is key. If I had that drive, I'd be willing to compromise on everything else.

I agree with this. I remember being a very young child and my aunt being pregnant and I asked why my other aunty wasn’t pregnant and my mum said other aunty didn’t want children so she didn’t need to be pregnant and I was so happy. I had assumed I had to have children and I was so, so happy I didn’t have to have them when I grew up.

That's great, but generally, having children curtails a lot of activities and makes certain lifestyles very difficult.

More to the point, however, even if having children meant I could do all the things I wanted to do, I still wouldn't want them. Like I said above, even the 'good' parts of parenthood simply don't appeal. I think you need to broaden your mind if you simply don't get this, as it appears you don't.

@Ducksinthebath Respectfully disagree. My mother is 75. She was a journalist, and is a published author. She raised 4 children and has travelled extensively throughout her life (and still does) - she runs mindfulness retreats (which you may benefit from 🙃) and is a meditation teacher in the evenings. To suggest that she's a shell of who she could've been, or is unaccomplished is frankly just bullshit. It's a blanket insult without any evidence to support it. And frankly, it's just rude.

My cats and dogs don't want mobile phones, computer consoles, fancy trainers or university educations. They're happy with some chicken giblets now and then.

I know who I am and I've always been someone who enjoyed my own time and freedom. I am quite selfish. Having a child doesn't suit my personality. I think I would be miserable.

I like kids btw! Just don't want my own.

I hear how hard it is from my friends and siblings who have kids. They always end their list of woes with 'but they're worth it!'. But, when you don't have kids, you can't imagine that love, so it doesn't seem worth it. I can imagine no sleep, freedom, loss of identity etc though, so it puts me off a bit!

@Hills2022 You've really got it in for me haven't you.

I understand even more why people wouldn't want children now I've had one. It's completely life-changing, and if you don't want to spend your life caring and doing 'kid stuff' for 10+ years, you are going to be very unhappy.

I was ambivalent until I was about 32, then I had a very strong biological urge. Seeing toddlers made me cry. It was ridiculous, but we're programmed to procreate. I haven't felt like that since having my now almost four year old, so no more for me!