To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

Whether to have children and how many is a spectrum. So at one end you have people who never want children, for a number of reasons, and will use multiple forms of contraception/be sterilised and terminate a pregnancy if they should get pregnant. There are people who wouldn’t necessarily enter in parenting but if they happened to be pregnant they wouldn’t feel comfortable with a termination for themselves. People who are undecided. To people who only want one. To people who want a whole minibus of kids.

I was on the fence until I had a pregnancy scare. I didn’t want kids because I didn’t want the responsibility, I didn’t want to lose my identity, I didn’t want the financial burdens of raising kids, I was worried about the world they would be entering. When I had a pregnancy scare that was negative I was disappointed and decided I did actually want kids. However, all those reasons for why I didn’t want a kid to begin with are the things that cause me most anxiety/have been hardest for me to adjust to. This is why I will more than likely stop at one because I think the pressures of those concerns will be too much with multiple children.

It's interesting because you hear constantly from parents how hard it is, how much drudgery is involved, how having them has ruined peoples careers and figures, how people lose their own identity and just become mum, how they feel taken for granted and like the family skivvy, how their lives are limited because they can't be spontaneous/have to plan everything around the kids/need to be available at all times in case their kid needs a lift somewhere, how kids just suck up all time and resources etc etc

If you don't have a really strong urge to reproduce, why on earth would you put yourself trough years of what sounds like an extremely unpleasant existence?

@Sausagedoggy No and I totally agree, it's dick behaviour to ask people these things in real life. Hence why I never would. Even my absolute best friend, I won't ask her because it's intrusive and I've no doubt it would come across as judgmental no matter how hard I might try otherwise.

Luckily you lot are all strangers on the internet so if I piss you all off it really doesn't matter!

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids

I've just never wanted children. It really is that simple.

And I’d also add: what happens if your circumstances change and you’re no longer comfortably off, or able to have spontaneous date nights? Or you’re no longer with your partner for whatever reason, and you find yourself trying to raise children alone in a situation where you can’t afford to work because the childcare is too expensive? Because that’s a scenario we see again and again on here. I wouldn’t want to risk putting myself in the position of a miserable slog of a life, especially when I didn’t want children to start with!

(And if I’m being really harsh, I’d add to that list “Do you worry about being one of Those Parents with the badly behaved kids whose behaviour you excuse because they’re talented/too bright/“spirited” etc when we all know it’s because you can’t be arsed to parent properly?”…)

Ok. So we've all answered your questions, why don't you give mine a go?

Because it's a permanent change to my life, I could never undo it. Also, I don't find them appealing company.

I’m childfree by choice because I don’t like children. I wasn’t even particularly keen on them when I was one myself. I have zero maternal instinct, and nothing about being a parent appeals to me on any level. Sleepless nights, loss of freedom, & independence, snotty noses, constant crying, endless expense, shitty nappies, dirt, mess, worry, stress, chaos etc etc etc. The list is endless.

Objectively, I can’t think of many reasons why anyone would want to be a parent. From what I see IRL & what I read on MN, the whole thing appears to be a total, endless fucking nightmare.

@JorisBonson You're being intentionally antagonistic but I'm not going to bite, and I'm just going to answer your question plainly.

No. Of course that's not our sole purpose. At no point have I ever suggested that's the case, nor have I suggested that it's the reason I procreated. But funnily enough, if nobody reproduced then we wouldn't have the option to do anything else anyway as none of us would even be here!

Hahaha same! Every time someone announces an obviously wanted pregnancy on social media my initial reaction is abject horror. I have to remind myself people do it on purpose.

I also think a lot of people probably had kids without giving proper thought to whether they actually wanted them, because it’s ‘what you do’ and they didn’t think critically about it. I reckon more people than would admit regret them as well.

But funnily enough, if nobody reproduced then we wouldn't have the option to do anything else anyway as none of us would even be here!

And if everyone reproduced we’d all starve to death and the planet would be unable to support us.

I've never felt the need to follow that script, just as I've never felt the need to be some man's unpaid housekeeper.

I don't think there's any reason to have children unless you have that biological instinct. I mean, if you look at the reasons for having children, they're very difficult to justify. If you look at the reasons against having children, they're easy to justify.

So... the answer is that I'm missing that maternal impulse and I'm going on pure logic rather than a biological drive.

Only if I can ask why you DID want children!
You're right, it is a goady thread and symptomatic of the patronising and judgemental questions that childfree questions have to face. Makes me incredibly angry, to be honest.

Mine are 21 and 23 and they are still noisy. Love them vastly...and do not regret them. Dammit though they have been, and are, work and worry. Totally get people not wanting kids. One DD does not think she wants them and am thoroughly encouraging her to do as she wants in life.

@Sausagedoggy Sure let's give it a go

Gosh, do you think you'll regret having them? I don't have a crystal ball but I very much doubt it. I waited until I was slightly older to have them, I enjoyed my 20s, DH & I had many happy years just the two of us, we are comfortable financially and have a very happy family. So I don't think so no, but nobody can ever be certain. It wont stop me having more though "just in case I regret them". The same way you won't have children "just in case you regret not having them"
Why on earth did you have them? Biological urge
Why didn't you consider an abortion? very pro abortion and would consider having one if I fell pregnant and decided I didn't want any more children
Aren't you worried you'll mess them up? Every day
Are you worried your husband will leave you now you've got kids?
Aren't you worried he'll have an affair now you've got kids? I'll group these two together - what has having children got to do with anything? Do you mean because then I'd be a single parent? If so, it's pretty sexist and also presumptuous to suggest that I'll be the one who takes the kids just because I'm the mother.

I feel like motherhood is a con sold to women by society. It comes at a hugely disproportionate cost to women as opposed to men and I simply don't buy the hyperbolic way it is promoted as "you'll know no love like it/best thing you'll ever do/hugely rewarding". I just don't buy it...

I am now well past child-bearing age and have never wanted kids since I was a child myself. I have hyperacusis (many sounds are impossible for me to bear) and knew I couldn't tolerate screaming children, also would never forgive myself if they inherited my hearing disability (not sure if it's possible but didn't want to risk it). I don't feel particularly maternal. I am terrified of childbirth. I have never had enough energy to devote to bringing up a child, it wouldn't be fair on them!

I have been told 'you will change your mind' many times. I never did, knew I wouldn't. Despite telling my ex I didn't want kids, he still said a few years down the line 'I thought you would change your mind, lots of women say that'. Also told 'you will regret it when you are old with no-one to look after you'. Perhaps, but I wouldn't have kids for that reason!

@KimberleyClark Luckily we're all here together then. Living happily side by side (except on MN where everyone's miserable, regardless of whether they have kids or not.)

I just find children tedious. I hate having to dumb myself down when I'm around them, of having to pretend to be interested in the fact that they have pink shoes or a new doll or something. I don't have maternal urges and I'm always relieved to get away from other people's children. I dislike how when there is a baby or small child present, the whole conversation becomes about them, and their feeding schedules and the fact they've possibly just said a new word, or they've thrown their juice on the floor. I can't cope with how demanding they are - and I feel bad for how annoying and demanding and grabby and selfish I was as a child. I was even worse as a teenager so I wouldn't want to put up with that stage either.
There's also no guarantee that you won't get a child with some awful disability where you truly end up as a carer 24/7, making it all even worse.
There are so many rational reasons not to have them - the expense, sleep deprivation, hassle, worry, cost to the planet - but I suppose if I wanted them, all of that would be insignificant - as it has been with my dogs. I've always preferred dogs. To me, they're cuter, they're less demanding and they can't talk so you don't have to listen to them spouting drivel and then have to pretend to be interested.
And there's no guarantee children will stick around once they've grown. So many grown children are hugely resentful of their parents.

Yep. That's me too. Simple as that. I just don't have that emotional irrational drive.

This sounds like you’re trying to convince us or your friend to have kids and that anyone else’s views are wrong!

I just don’t want them

Sure. Until your darling offspring goes all mumsnetty NC. Unless they want free on demand childcare.

I have a child and love him to bits. But I understand more now why someone wouldn’t want children. They make your life more complicated, financially difficult and test your emotional resilience. I’d still choose to have children, because they also bring joy and love…however, I miss being able to take care of myself. I can see why it’s not for everyone.