To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

@UWhatNow Thank you - nice to have someone who doesn't think I'm a complete prat for even asking. I'm not asking for everyone to feel the way I do about having children, just genuine curiosity of a topic that I can't discuss in real life because (despite what this thread suggests) I'm not completely tone deaf and I recognise that it can be a sensitive topic. The reasons of "noisy & expensive" still baffle me though, because exactly as you say, other people's noisy children get on my tits as well and I often want them to be quiet and go away, but it's different when they're your kids. It's hard to explain.

Thank you. I appreciate you answering. I didn't mean that with the last questions. I've been asked if DP would have an affair because I can't give him what he wants, because in their mind all men want to have a child to follow them. My question could easily have been, are you worried he'll leave or have an affair because of what having children has done to you and your body, that he might go off you now you're a mum.

@ParisHotel No not at all! I would never try and convince someone for or against, doesn't make a blind bit of difference to me what she, or anyone else does or doesn't do. I was simply making a point that not having children because they're noisy seems a bit banal to me. Never would I say that out loud IRL though! Not unless I fancied a slap

Because I don’t!

I don’t need to have a legitimate reason why I don’t want kids…

Because I value nice holidays, my career, a clean house etc over a child any day! I am and willing to admit i am very selfish with my time and the thought of not being able to do what I want because of a child fills me with dread. At least I am aware of all this so do what i can to prevent it happen. however, if it did, I wouldnt think twice about calling the clinic! Oh and I am mid 30s if that makes any difference!

I still find my DC noisy when they're noisy. And I sure as fuck find them expensive. I can afford it, but Christ knows my pension would have more zeroes on it right now if I'd not had them.

These types of discussions often assume those who don't have kids aren't a parent because they sadly couldn't or didn't want to. I'm in the third category: I never had a serious relationship during my childbearing years for me to give it any thought. I was mostly ambivalent about whether I wanted to be a parent so never felt the urge to act on it as a single person.

I am equally ambivalent about not being a mother now in my fifties. I don't feel sad about missing out or gloaty about my apparent freedoms. It just is.

Maybe your friend doesnt want kids but equally doesnt feel she could go through with a termination. The only ‘reason’ I don’t get is when people say they prefer their animals because kids are expensive/a huge responsibility/smelly etc… dogs are too!

Exactly this. It's tiresome. Maybe take your friend at her word, OP.

Don't really feel like them being noisy is a true reason. Because they're young and noisy for an incredibly short period of time. In fact, every reason that people have given so far mostly relate to children when they're small - being expensive, taking up your time, being loud etc. They're not loud for long. What about when they're older. And what about when you're older? What if your OH isn't around anymore? I worry I'd be lonely and I have many many friends but they've all got their own lives (and families!)

Hmm but I have kids and these are very much the reasons that I don’t want any more children. I just don’t think I can cope with the noise and whining and whatnot for any longer than it has lasted and the financial constraints are so huge.

If you were to discount the fact that children are expensive and loud and disruptive I think I and most people I know would be going on to have many, many children because we don’t have “valid” reasons to stop?

How many DC are you having, OP? - if not intending to have one every couple of years until you are physically unable to anymore, there must be a reason to stop?

Also being expensive isn’t remotely a short term thing? The early years cost very little. That’s not it. It’s that when they are older you’ll want a house big enough for them all (not an issue when they are young and don’t care) and that you might well be supporting them at university for 3-4 + years each. The expense surely very much comes later?

But a) they cost less b) their lives are a lot shorter c) you can leave them home alone d) you can get rid of them if they don't work out e) they don't talk back.

To be honest I find it more difficult to understand why some people WOULD want children!! I do have children and always wanted them but I have an extremely strong maternal instint, like a biological drive to be a mother. If you don't have that instinct (and plenty of women don't) then I'm confused as to why you'd put yourself through it.

I have two under two but I never wanted kids. I don’t understand why anyone would want them (even though I have them).

I wanted to live my life for myself. I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone and I just had no interest in kids whatsoever. The only reason why I have kids now is because I got pregnant and didn’t want to have a termination. I still don’t understand why people want kids especially when someone says they feel like their life purpose was to have kids.

If I didn’t have kids, my life would still be fucking great:)

@somuchtolearnabout

Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids.

You see, I feel exactly the opposite: for as long as I can remember, I've never wanted children (and I'm 43 now).

In the same way that I've never wanted to move to Australia, or own a Komodo dragon, or appear on a DIY reality TV show, it was just never part of my 'life plan' in any shape or size.

That's it, really.

@Sausagedoggy To be honest it actually hasn't crossed my mind, thankfully! I like to think that DH & I are solid and even more so since having kids, so my naivety likes to think that building a family together gives us much more of a reason to fight for our relationship if it ever gets to that point. Maybe if we didn't have children we would find it easier to go our separate ways, if it came to it. So far there are no signs that it's heading that way, and hopefully it never will!

Truthfully - because every woman I know has become diminished as an individual by having children. They achieve less, are less interesting, often seem less happy and seem to just become diminished as people. Bright, brilliant, interesting individuals who seem to disappear often just at the point when there skills and achievements are starting to take off. I often wonder how much human potential is sacrificed on the altar of motherhood. Of course there are plenty of fairly mediocre individuals out there who lacked much potential in the first place and maybe for them the diminishment is less but for the type of women I know, so much has been lost.

@Sausagedoggy
As someone who waited until my 40s to have my kids I spent 20 years having the same questions asked of me as you get. It's tedious and rude and you have my sympathy for having to put up with it.

Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

Some people are morally opposed to abortion.

But couldn't you reverse your question. Since she's capable of becoming pregnant, surely if she really wanted kids, then surely she'd have them?

Speaking for myself, I can say without ambiguity that I really did not want children. At all. I just don't see the appeal. So many downsides, and even the 'good' bits don't really seem that great. I'm 53 now and I've never regretted this choice.

Maybe your life with children seems great to you but I can assure you it doesn't to everyone else.

Far too many people have children without any thought. They end up being really bad parents and the children suffer the consequences of having shit parents. I know that only too well as my parents were horrendously abusive. This did not stand me in good stead for wanting my own as I had no parental model to refer to. Additionally, I like my freedom and I did not want the responsibility of children.

Over time I have realised, from my observations of children generally, that I don't like them. They are noisy, demanding, brat'ish, greedy, selfish, boring, tedious, lack manners - all likely due to having crap parents who have no concept that others do not enjoy witnessing 'little Timmy' make a fucking nuisance of himself, trashing the local restaurant whilst being highly entertaining to his parents who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

There's no guarantee that a child will be a 'friend for life' as mentioned earlier in the thread. The friend for life comment is ridiculous as countless 'children' are estranged from their parents.

OP - I don't see any valid reason for you wanting and having children. Furthermore, you come across as quite smug.

Don't like them, don't want to spend any time with them, enjoy my lifestyle as it is, would rather spend my money on myself, go where I want when I want

I can keep a clear conscience that I didn’t force someone to exist without their consent.

That sounds like my ideal life too. I love all those things. My kids are teenagers now and quite independant and I love their company but I don't always choose to be with them I see friends, family, I travel and I have money to spend and enjoy peace and quite when I need to. I have recently learned two languages and I work. I go to cafes too and read books! Not sure why you think doing this things and having children are mutually exclusive?

@Hills2022 ouch

That's an excellent point!

@snoodle1 Not sure why you think doing this things and having children are mutually exclusive?

Maybe this is what I've been trying to say, you've just managed to do it in a far more sensitive and articulate way.