To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

If someone can't have children, rather than it being a choice, do you think they never truly experience adulthood either?

Exactly what I was thinking! Sounds like OP comes from a wealthy background with in laws just up the road & fit & healthy parents who babysit a lot so the OP can jet off on expensive holidays with her DH. That is NOT the parenting experience most families are presented with. Not mine certainly. We had no local family to support us in the early years. I gave up work to be a STAHP as my salary wouldn't cover the costs of local day nurseries. My family lived a 3 hour drive away. My DH family live 20 min drive but his DM is severely disabled & his DF was still working full time when our DC were small. We very much did it alone (& by alone I mean I did the brunt of childcare as DH was out of the house 7 am to 7pm Mon- Fri). it was bloody hard work & a relentless slog and MANY TIMES over the years I would wish I'd chosen not to have kids. I had an overwhelming biological urge when I turned 28 to have kids. Never wanted them before that time. Didn't like kids very much etc. I don't regret it but even now my DC are 18 & almost 15 I still don't have my independence back fully - still a taxi driver, still a short-order cook, still doing the school run most days etc etc & definitely still worrying about them both a lot. & now after many years at home I'm looking for PT jobs & it's HARD cos I feel old & a bit useless & very perimenopausal & would need to completely retrain to return to my old job. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I'd chosen the child-free path. I have a number of child-free couple friends & I do envy their lifestyle on occasion- I barely see some of my closest friends now as their kids are younger & they are far too busy with work/kids/family commitments to meet up very often. Some of my friends will be almost 60 before their kids are adults too!!! I'm glad I had my 2 when I was younger tbh so hopefully I can enjoy my 50s a bit more when both mine will be adults 🙃 I don't judge anyone for choosing to not have kids - I'm much more likely to silently be judging folk who churn out 6 kids & give them all stupid names 😂😂🔥

Not all childfree people dislike children. I have no generalised dislike of children. (individual children might not be likeable, just as not every adult is likeable). Not wanting one of my own, or to be in a situation where I am responsible for someone else's child, isn't the same as disliking children as a section of society.

You are telling me, a woman of colour, that I am the same as those people that have hurled racist abuse at me throughout my life? You are minimising the racial abuse that I and all people of colour have received and experienced, that is disgusting.

I said I was going to step away and I definitely will after this. I’m done with this vitriol and some of the hateful women on here.

I can’t understand why some people are arguing
As someone who is currently pregnant and has always had a strong desire for children, I couldn’t care less if a family member or friend told me they didn’t want them

I think “because I don’t want too” is a good enough reason and no one should have to explain their reasonings!

My sister gets stick all the time for not wanting children “you’ll change your mind” “you’ll be lonely”

I enjoy spending time with the children of friends and family but can't say I ever have had the "want" to have them myself.

For a while, when I was surrounded by other people's babies I thought it was cute and fun, but I was single at the time. By the time I met DH and we settled in to a serious relationship, we were a bit older and whenever I saw a baby, both of us used to come away saying "I don't think I could cope with that", so it's just ended up not in our plans.

I don't regret it.

If I ended up pregnant accidentally then I'd likely keep it. Not because I'm against abortions, I'm absolutely not, but I'd see it as the universe telling me something.

I think “because I don’t want too” is a good enough reason and no one should have to explain their reasonings!

Exactly.

I was ambivalent about having children, and when it didn't happen I just thought "Oh well"

Then I had DD at 41 and it turned my world upside down.

I still think that child free adults don't need to justify why they are child free.

Very broody women just don't get it and people who don't want children don't understand what it is like to feel broody (I include myself in the second category, although I didn't not want children, but not being able to get pregnant wasn't a tragedy for me).

I'm really sorry, @cornhasthejuice . I'll miss your contributions on the thread (and your superb username).

What happens when they grow up and move away and have their own lives? What will be left of you then? Who will you be? Just a lonely woman showing photos of the grandkids who live across the world with no other interests or stories?

I'm on the WIWIKAU Facebook group and every August and Septemeber there are posts from women who have spent all summer sobbing that the thought of their DC going away to university. They seem to live their lives vicariously through their children. I don't think this is very healthy.

I do not find a single positive aspect in having children.

HTH.

I have one child. Would have loved to have at least one more but it didn't happen. But children are noisy, demanding, tiring, often quite unreasonable, mess-making, very dirty, expensive and not very good for the planet. I love mine to bits, love being around other people's kids and would not change a thing. However, I know a fair number of grown-up, capable, responsible women with very full lives who don't want them and never have.

but What I don't understand is when people say they don't like children I can understand when you are out and about kids can be nightmares but so can adults that is not all of them and not what they are like all the time (hopefully!) it's a bit judgemental and could be seen as unfairly prejudiced like saying I don't like french people, gingers, black people whatever how is saying I don't like children any different really? They are humans like the rest of us with thoughts and feelings they love they care they laugh and learn and cry and warm our hearts and drive us mad but they are humans at the end of the day and to say you don't like them in my view is prejudice.

Children don't have fully developed brains, lack impulse control, have no self awareness and can not exercise appropriate judgment. People acting like their kids are mini adults is the reason that so many children are a nightmare for everyone who is not their parent.

Sorry, posted too soon. I don't think there's anything objectively unreasonable about not wanting children. I don't understand why my husband doesn't like baklava, but I accept that he genuinely doesn't and it's reasonable for him therefore not to eat them. (I say that because I'm eating the last baklava now and it's very nice.)

Now this I really can’t get on board with! Baklava is delicious, your husband must be quite mad 😉

FFS @CarterBeatsTheDevil I want baklava now 😂

You do realise teenagers are incredibly noisy and very expensive ? far smellier than toddlers too

This is very kind but I can assure you that I would not be a good parent, and the choice not to have children isn't even a decision for me. There's nothing to think about. As far as I know I'm fertile, but it's not crossed my mind once that I want them.

I'm fascinated by the number of people on this thread who, like me, have tokophobia. I share that fear of something "alien" growing inside me, and the brutality of birth and the changes to the body.

If I'm really, really honest, I'm a bit weirded out even being near pregnant women.

Yes it had never entered my mind until you came along and pointed it out

Yes - as a population, they generally have certain behaviours and traits I don’t like being around. Noise, attention seeking, shrieking, getting bored easily, sticky, rude, demanding etc.

I do know some kids who are lovely, polite, and don’t do much of the above things. But there’s no guarantee my child would be like that! There’s plenty of family members I don’t like because their personalities are ghastly, but I can choose not to spend much time with them - if it’s your own child, you can’t just give them up for adoption if your personalities clash. And you can’t “make” your kid how you want them to be, they are their own person.

Oh and why is it when childfree people say they don’t like children they get compared to racists, but when parents say they don’t like other people’s kids (and they nearly all say this!) it’s fine?

My childfree (by choice), DD is more mature than I am sometimes 😁

I have never had the urge to have children. Like people who want them just know they want them and have the urge, they cant explain the feeling it is just there (normally), it is the same for me but the other way around. I dont have that feeling inside that I want a child. I suppose I am one of the 'I just dont want them' crew. And tbh I cant believe in 2022 the question is even being asked. We are not put on this earth just to breed so why does any woman need to be asked this question.

You only truly experience adulthood when you have children.

That has got to be one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever read.
Theresa May and Mother Teresa were child free.

The lesson for me here is that internet discussions make it easy to escalate arguments and see the worst in people. I still think I made a pretty uncontroversial point, although I can see how it could be interpreted negatively.

I was interested to hear why some people do or don’t want children (I have a pretty complex history myself) and I’ve never judged anyone for not wanting children.

@RampantIvy probably the worst two examples of child free people to give

mother Teresa was an arse and Teresa May a barely coherent embarrassment