To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

What happens when they grow up and move away and have their own lives? What will be left of you then? Who will you be? Just a lonely woman showing photos of the grandkids who live across the world with no other interests or stories?

Thank you. Hope you have a lovely day 💐oh and congrats on your pregnancy 🙂

Yes you are but not because you choose not to have children but because you say you do not like children it is exactly the same as not liking any other race of human "because they are annoying/noisy whatever" no difference at all you cannot judge a whole section of humanity on the basis of a few same as racism sexism anti semitism and all the other prejudices out there.

Good for you. I tried to add nuance, find common ground and apologise if I upset anyone. Yet you come back with the attacking posts. I don’t need to be embarrassed.

But people generally aren't saying there's no activity ever they'd ever want to do with any child. They're saying they wouldn't want to do them with a child they grew, birth and raised because they dint want to grow, birth and raise one. That's the point.

People don't want one because there's nothing desirable about MOTHERHOOD for THEM.

Are you calling us paedophobes? 😂

So is a preference for the company of adults over that of children not a preference anyone is allowed to have?

• I left you to it hours ago, but you came back eager to restart the exchange. You're getting the responses you deserve to the things you persist in saying.
• You definitely should be embarrassed.
• Please show me where our exchange contains you ‘apologising if you upset anyone’. I’ll wait.

I haven't read the whole thread but I do get the vibe that OP just wanted to tell us how great her life with kids is and assure us that ours could be too.

It's like an MLM pitch.

Aww, thank you! How lovely! 🥰

@IMissVino when they go low, we go high.

good luck with your pregnancy.

even though being a mum sounded good i knew i shouldn't be a parent

also i have a few health conditions that are physical and mental. i didn't want to pass them onto a kid. life has been hard enough and it'd be painful to know of the life they'd have to lead.

also kids are expensive and relentless.

• I have no caring responsibilities (except my cats, haha) and don't want them where possible (illness in DH or my mum excepted, obviously, where I would do whatever I could).

• The things about my life I love: being able to do what I want, being spontaneous, plenty of free time to enjoy my hobbies, disposable income, etc... are incompatible with at least having young children as far as I can see.

• I don't think I'd like it: the thought of baby years fills me with dread, the thought of years of washing school uniforms and prepping packed lunches and the kind of routine of having children is unappealing. I think having teenagers and adult children would be interesting, but not enough to make me want to do the rest.

• I'm wary of the potential health implications: almost all friends I have with children have suffered some kind of birth injury or back problem from pregnancy or ongoing issues from mastitis, etc etc, some of whom are still suffering now. And PND runs strongly in my family and my own mental health is quite the balancing act: I think my MH would probably suffer.

• The world's not a very nice place right now and I don't know if I'd feel good about raising a child in the UK at the moment (it's not a defining element of it for me, but a consideration). Ditto for climate risks

• I've seen how damaging having small children has been to friends' relationships and I don't want them enough to want to do that to my marriage, ha

• The cost

• That if I did do it, I wouldn't want to do a bad job. I was raised by two people who didn't really think about the realities of having children and I love my parents very much but they weren't great parents. I'd want to do as good a job as possible if I had children and I don't know if I'm willing or able to do all that comes with being a good parent

• I don't particularly enjoy spending time with children - they say it's different if it's your own, but what if it's not!? I CBA being doomed to playing pretend for several years or having to fake interest in children's TV or whatever and hating it, haha

So lots of reasons!

My only worry for child free couples (especially hetero) is that one of them might be harbouring a desire for kids in order to keep the relationship.

You appear to be confused. ‘Going high’ does not equal ‘starting indefensible arguments, then whining when people point out you’re talking nonsense’.

You can’t show me where in our exchange you ‘apologised if you’d upset anyone‘ (as you’ve claimed), so you’re running away. Seems sensible. One can only hope you stay gone, this time.

Why isn’t your equal worry for couples with children that one of them didn’t really want children but went along with having some to keep the relationship? Judging by all the absolutely useless fathers who do virtually no parenting when they live with their DC and / or pay no maintenance and rarely bother to see them when they do eventually fuck off, I’d say this was the far greater problem: and with this one, it’s the children who are getting hurt.

Which, honestly and demonstrably, is a far more likely outcome.

Why would you presume I wouldn't worry about that?

My only only for couples with kids is that one of them secretly wanted to stay childless but compromised on that in order not to lose their partner.

Sorry @IMissVino , it’s been unproductive. Thanks

I think it's usually a sign of great maturity that a person can make a rational decision not to have children despite societal pressure and often emotional pressure from family members.

Approximately 20% of women reach the end of their childbearing years without having children. That statistic includes women who wanted them but were unable to, so in reality the % of childfree by choice women will be even smaller.

If you are going against more than 80% of the population in your life choices, that is not taking the easy way out. Having children will, for some, be a very considered decision, but others will do it because it is the expected thing, the societal norm.

It requires great maturity to look at the norm and go against it.

Because I don’t for one moment think you even considered it until I posted pointing out that it’s both demonstrably far more common than you’d scenario and more damaging to a greater number of people, including the children of parents who didn’t really want them.

You continue to embarrass yourself. I thought you were ‘going high’? Why are you still tagging me? Is it some compulsion to get the last word?

On reflection, if those childfrees who don't like children are basically racists then probably best we don't have them. How's that for a legitimate answer?

I’m absolutely certain that the love of your children trumps all other kinds of love - it has to, there must be some kind of evolved chemical reaction that creates the bond. Otherwise no-one would tolerate parenting.

however, that doesn’t tempt me to reproduce any more than the theoretical millions pp mentioned. Nothing - no amount of money or unknowable love - could make me want to have children.