To ask why you didn't want children?

[somuchtolearnabout]

Granted, this is a very goady thread title. For clarity - I'm a mother. Always wanted to be, for as long as I can remember I knew that children were a part of my future and can't imagine a life where I didn't have kids. Admittedly therefore, I struggle to understand why someone wouldn't want them. Respectfully, can those who chose not to have children explain what it was about having them that you didn't want?

My best friend (she's been my best friend since primary school, was my MOH etc) doesn't want children. Claims she never has. Says she likes sleeping too much, can't be bothered, likes the luxury of being able to spend her money on herself etc. Her fiancé feels the same, doesn't like kids, doesn't want them. She just had a pregnancy scare and admitted that if she had fallen pregnant she would keep it. Which makes me wonder - does she really not want them? Surely if you REALLY didn't want kids, if you fell pregnant you'd terminate?

I'm just curious what the true legitimate reasons are for those who didn't want kids. I just find it really hard to believe (I know I'll get torn to shreds for that, closemindedness isn't an attractive trait it's just the one thing I really struggle to understand)

I never said I don’t believe anyone. Really I didn’t. If I say I find ghosts unbelievable, it doesn’t mean I don’t think people believe in ghosts

IME the people who are best suited to having children tend to be precisely the people who don’t have children, because they recognise what a massive responsibility that is and are thoughtful and self-aware (and selfless) enough to recognise that they may not be able to discharge that responsibility in the way they would want to.

Generally the people who have children have done it for their own self-fulfilment so if they are brilliant parents it’s more by luck than judgement.

But you can tell people that what they’re saying is ‘unbelievable’ based on nothing but your personal viewpoint? Interesting.

My post: What people are saying to me might not reflect my views or experiences, but I respect their stance.

Your posts: What people are saying is unbelievable and I do not accept it.

Those are very much mutually exclusive positions. No interpretation required, your posts are very clear. And I can tell you that we most certainly do not agree.

@Snowisfallinghere anything to say? Still chaotic and aggressive? Still, proper adult responsibility though eh?

Posters like snowisfalling, hamster, bomba etc are thoughtlessly attacking the child free by saying hurtful things and lashing angrily at us. Why? Because we have made different choices and they cannot accept it or understand it so they are saying stupid things that don’t make sense.

@Gumreduction I'm guessing there will be a swift name-change after that gem, well-spotted.

I always thought I'd have a big family. Then I just enjoyed living life/career etc. Then when slightly older decided wanted kids. Took a while to get pregnant, treatment etc, difficult birth, found early years really hard and exhausting. Briefly tried for no.2 but didn't happen and realised I didn't want it that much. The thought of going through it all again did terrify me. Life was good now out of the baby years with DS, so why pursue it? Don't regret it at all. Having 2 or more looks like such hard work, so expensive, much more hassle with holidays/days out. Having any kids changes your lifestyle completely, it's a phenomenal responsibility to bring up person. Why would you do that unless your 100% sure?

So yes I have 1 DS and quite happy. Very glad I didn't give up his early years (as in divert attention, energy and money) into more treatment/ IVF so he could (or even not) have a sibling. Which in itself seems horrible to me now that we'd consider creating another human just to keep him company, rather than wanting them in their own right.

I'm frequently asked why we only had one, don't we want more etc. I think it's far more importantly to ask Why DO you want kids, rather than why not! Although in reality it's absolutely no one else's business.

I don't tell my friends that have children this but when people deliberately have a child I secretly think how do you know you aren't going to raise a murderer. Sex offender, woman beater, con artist. After all, someone has to give birth to them right?

I'd rather that not be me, you can think you're the best parent in the world but you don't know what your child is going to grow into.

I hope you're taking the piss because otherwise you sound ridiculously smug and clueless.

I said this earlier, but I think it bears repeating. It appears that some women simply cannot handle the idea that anyone looks at what they have decided is the pinnacle of life/womanhood/existence and basically goes ‘nope, do not like’.

They can’t accept that other women don’t think like them, but they also can’t come up with any logical justification for not accepting it. So they essentially just go a bit nuts. As evidenced by this thread.

I’ll post it again to help you seeing we actually agree.

I find it unbelievable that there are people who would not find a single positive aspect in having children. But I accept people may believe it.

This is how I feel.

Sooo many people have babies for absolutely no other reason than "I wanted one" with zero thought put into it further that an urge they must scratch. A whim.

So many people take longer to research a new car to buy than to decide on becoming parents.

Yet the people who agonise for years over the decision and are weighted down by the prospect of such a responsibility, questioning their reasons and their suitability are the immature/irresponsible ones...

lots of interesting responses and of course it is ALWAYS a personal choice.

Full disclosure: I now have a two year old and I am 38. I was indifferent to having children but always adored family kids. It was a case of if it happened it happened leaving it all to fate.

I am extremely child oriented. I worked in a play area (Brewster) as my first job. Went back to college to study to be a nursery nurse and later studied a degree in Psychology based around child development, So I never disliked children. However I refused to even think about children until I was over 35 and if that then meant I could not have them, I was alright with that as I wanted to live my life, selfish I know. I have 8 nieces and nephews who I adore. I used to before lockdown take them to zoo’s and on day trips with my husband so their parents could have a break. (My husband is very child friendly, comes from a big family and always wanted children). So I reach 36 and end up getting pregnant. Was happy as stated before I do like children. We now have a normal happy 2 year old

However, EVERYONE coils in horror when I express I am not having anymore (selfish I know) I am now 38, my husband is 39 and 1 is enough for our family in my husbands and I opinion. I’m not sure we could afford additional children anyway but it is mainly because this tiny terrorist is kicking our arse Eg. He doesn’t know what sleep is, he is going through the phase of not wanting to eat much, did I mention the tantrums? And we put all our time and effort into him.

But I obviously Loves him unconditionally, would never have it any other way now we have him. Plus I do enjoy (most of the time) been a mum. However, I stand by my choice of having him later in life. I could easily of not fallen pregnant (I was over weight and had various issues) and If I hadn’t started going to the gym and been healthier I might not of had children FYI I didn’t start getting fitter to have children it was because my health was becoming worse (not to have children would of been a shame but would of been a fact of life). in my eyes it was all down to fate that I had them at all. My parents has come round to the face that my self and husband and my younger brother and his wife would not reproduce and therefore they only had the 1 grandchild.

I think that women who don’t want children want the same thing I did they want to be able to live their life with no compromises.

I’m sorry you read my posts like that

This is interesting. I don't see why people are offended by the question and declare it's none of your business when this is an anonymous forum where people ask all sorts of nosy questions about all manner of private things. You wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable asking strangers or friends because yes you might offend and upset them and obviously it's not your business but for an anonymous person to ask anonymous people the same thing on here is absolutely 100% fine and if you are offended then don't answer simples. I understand both sides but What I don't understand is when people say they don't like children I can understand when you are out and about kids can be nightmares but so can adults that is not all of them and not what they are like all the time (hopefully!) it's a bit judgemental and could be seen as unfairly prejudiced like saying I don't like french people, gingers, black people whatever how is saying I don't like children any different really? They are humans like the rest of us with thoughts and feelings they love they care they laugh and learn and cry and warm our hearts and drive us mad but they are humans at the end of the day and to say you don't like them in my view is prejudice.

to say you don't like them in my view is prejudice.

‘I find what you’re saying unbelievable’ is not respectful of either the person or their belief, so you do not respect their stance. I do. As such, we do not agree.

I find it unbelievable that having been essentially shredded by multiple posters, whining about ‘taking the bait’ (in exchanges that you started) and generally quite thoroughly embarrassing yourself… you are still here. However, I accept that you are (you see the difference between that and respect)?

Come on now, you are not that special, no one is.

There are many people, who become parents, who are very immature, some are down right stupid, incapable of taking care of themselves let alone a child. Children of such parents often end up having shit lives because they have shit parents. Anyone can have a kid but not everyone is capable of being a good parent. Just because you popped a baby doesn’t make you mature in any way.

We don’t all have to keep reproducing to be responsible, mature and full filled human beings!!

Is it now @Wankytramphands ? Is it really?

I also think some, repeat some women, cannot handle the idea that some women wanted kids and couldn’t have them, but are actually ok with it and are living happy lives. They’d rather think these women are sad empty shells, because that makes them feel better about their choices.

Dear lord when I think it couldn’t get any worse we are now being put in the same category as racists!

Also this. A lot of ‘poor her’ nonsense about women who are living their best lives and thriving.

I need to step away from this thread today, it is actually making me sick.

So how does this work? It's only the ones who choose not to have kids who you find immature, so they mature at a normal rate, yo u think they're ttc or infertile so yo u still respect them as adults. Suddenly they say actually I never want them and all their career progress, their charitable works, their values and ethics suddenly take on a new dimension to you through the lens of hedonistic maturity?
If they'd got a very low sperm count or PCOS etc fine, totally able to adult like an adult but making an active life choice makes them less mature than a 14 yo who had a quickie behind the bike shed??

You should tell your friends, they deserve to have the chance to make better ones.

It is an odd one, isn’t it? I hope your day improves. 💗

You only truly experience adulthood when you have children

No need for social services for children, then surely. What with everyone becoming a responsible adult on having them.