Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

You've said your niece says she is sad and missing family. Has cried on the phone several times and isn't sleeping because she is so stressed about school. No way is that normal for year 7 and my dc did loads of clubs, music, sport etc.

Yes, I would say relatively normal for private secondary school, and I would actually assume lots of secondary schools, including state. I went to private school (not a particularly sporty one, but I did do a sport). School day was 8:30-3:30 and then we had 1 after school club a week until 4:30 plus sports maybe twice a week after school until 5-6pm. And then if I had a competition (my sport was riding), it would be all day on a Saturday/Sunday. But before I went to school there, I still rode 2x a week and competing on the weekends, so no different in terms of activities really. I also did theatre, so when we were working on a show, I would be there til 10pm a few nights a week.

In my experience though, our local state secondary is very similar and there are late buses home at 6pm every day for students who do sports/clubs/etc. And probably isn't different than kids who do dance or gymnastics or swimming or a bizillion outside activities. I had a friend growing up who did ballet and she was at practice 5 days a week 4-7pm and then a good chunk of the weekend.

An 11 year old, I would expect to be doing homework in the evening before bed and on the weekends. Definitely at that age I had a desk in my room and would do homework up til about 10pm and then take myself off for a shower and to bed. But it sounds like she needs some support and she shouldn't be crying and feeling like she is missing out.

Mine are in a private school very far from London and it sounds totally normal to me. I am lucky though that I can do school pickups so we are home by 5.15 wheras if they took the bus it would be closer to 6.

I thank my lucky stars though that neither mine are sporty so we manage to msis Saturday fixtures. I know some of the sporty kids are absolutely tied up every weekend and it must be awful.

I'd ask her dad to talk with the school Head of Year and the pastoral team to see if any adaptations can be made given her circumstances. In year 7 for our older one the school suggested he do shorter days for quite some time as he was struggling so badly. They do have the flexibility and once she has settled in things might be easier.

As others have said, this is standard routine at a private secondary. At our school they do warn you before you audition for the play that it will be a lot to take on if you also play for A teams, play instruments etc.

We did warn our children before starting their private secondary that this is what it would be like. The school becomes their life during term time and they will spend a significant proportion of their waking hours either at school, playing for the school, doing homework etc.

The flip side is that they have very long holidays to recover and spend time with family.

I assume your dn is a day pupil at a boarding school. Day schools with full Saturday expectations do exist, but are rare. If she is at a boarding school, I would ask them whether she could flexi board at least 2 or 3 nights a week, or best weekly, Mo-Fr. This way she won't have to commute and will ultimately fit in better, make deeper friendships, and it all will seem more 'normal' as she doesn't have the constant change between school and home, and all that home represents (her old life, her mum missing, her brother at a different school with a, to her, probably easier life ...). At my dc boarding school, the vast majority of boarders come from within 1 - 1.5 hours radius, the same as radius the busses cover. Most chose it and badger their parents to board, as it makes life so much easier and they get an extra hour sleep each night and another hour of fun with their friends.

That sounds like a bad school rather than a general experience. Most teachers won't know who's on a scholarship (unless it's for their subject, e.g. music), and kids will only know if you tell them. Yes, it's an expectation that music scholarship pupils would do all the music clubs, but the rest sounds like you just lucked out with a bad school.

He’s 13 for goodness sake! When I was a teenager I was so dreamy and distracted that my parents used to say I was going to be a traveling palm reader. They had my sister pegged for STEM or academia. We went to a demanding London private school and both managed to do well but it was much harder for me than my sister. We are nearing 40 now and I am in senior management at a national charity in America. After struggling in her 20s my sister built a successful career in the art world, moved to the countryside and became a SAHM and is now working on a novel.

I wouldn't necessarily say boarding, day schools in our area have a lot of Saturday fixtures. And even if it is boarding, it might be unusual to board at 11. The couple of boarding schools near us are nearly all overseas students who board young, the English pupils have a larger uptake in exam years but not below. Anyway, it could be worth exploring, but maybe not financially an option if she's already on a nearly 100% bursary.

Actually rereading the OP, I do wonder if a lot of her unhappiness is because she no longer gets to spend time at her DAunts being with her cousins in a relaxed family atmosphere.

Regardless of what people are saying about private school, it's not normal or right for any DC to have to spend 7 days a week there, due to extracurricular activities. In DS private school, yes the commitment to sport is quite heavy, but it's usually the non sporty DCs that would be heavily involved in drama and music.

So it does sound like Dniece has spread herself too thinly. I get that her DF is a parent on his own, but surely he could pick her up on the nights she isn't getting home until gone , and at least notice that she has too much on.

Actually OP is there anyway you can get to spend time with your DNiece at the weekends? Maybe offer to pick her up from her drama practice one Sunday and give her tea. The end of term is quite far away and for every C suite candidate, there may be some poor DC with eating disorders or severe anxiety from pushing themselves too hard.

I think you need to see her in person and have a proper chat with her as soon as possible.

Probably suits her dad that she’s so busy. Less pressure on him for childcare

All I can say is thank God she has an amazing auntie like you looking out for her! I don't think it's interfering, just you looking our for her. Can u speak to your brother about it? Voice your concerns to him as he does have control over this situation more than anyone else.

@YellowMarigold So heartwarming your little DN has such a lovely and caring aunt looking out for her
As many have said, the days and weekly schedules are totally normal, and yes, it's a lot and can be a shock to the system. Coming into this at 11, it will take a little time for your DN to adjust, this is normal. The first term is always so looong and very tiring, the worst, and by now, everyone is ragged and really looking forward to the nice long Christmas holiday break, she can be reassured that she is not the only one feeling like this, again, very normal.
But, a few things:

• most of the prep should be done at school, the prep at home is supposed to be quite light. That's the theory anyway, what for some teachers is light isn't always for the child. But she'll settle into the workload and it will become easier. She might feel at the moment that she needs to 'make up' and work harder because children around her maybe know different stuff she hasn't been taught, but soon she won't feel any difference.

• At this stage, the added Sunday drama rehearsals seem a lot to take on, is this for the Christmas production, or will this go on into next term? It looks like this is the bit that makes it all too much.

• At my DCs school I think a 'little extra' was expected from scholars, I think it's a bit unfair and a lot of pressure on the child, is this why she has to play an instrument? Remember that schools love their bright scholars, they need them in many ways, your DN is not a charity case and nor should she or her family feel she is; this is a 2 ways street. Never be shy about asking questions, and generally looking out for her.

• I can assure you that not all children will have been flying off to amazing destinations for half term or will be for any other holidays, you just hear about these more, of course, but not so much about staying at home or just visiting family. Anyway, she won't be the only scholar or bursary recipient there and children do not think like that, and even if they did, they don't know who is and who isn't.

• With all this in mind, I think it's definitely worth talking to her tutor, or to the head of pastoral care at the school and gently remind them of her loss, that it's her first term, she's still finding her feet, and is at the moment, totally exhausted; could they look out for her, and make sure she is all right? Maybe not attend every drama rehearsals, or only part of it if she's not needed the whole time, and check on her from time to time and get back to you/her father? Schools can get into a rut, always pushing for better and higher, sometimes important points about individuals can get lost or forgotten as they lead the 'flock', especially if the child is doing well. Anyway, it's important to make them aware.

It's worth reminding your DN that she's doing amazingly well. That's a lot of new things to take on, and big changes are never easy. She will have done a great job this term adapting to this full-on environment, after a nice long Christmas break, plenty of rest and TLC, she will reap the benefits and the rest of the year will be easier for her. She'll soon settle into that rhythm of intense weeks followed by lovely long holidays. Oh just one more thing, I know I'm going to be pelted for this, does she have the option of flexi-boarding on the days that are so long? All the best to your darling DN and to you OP.

I work in a private school this is the norm and she will have lots of extra holiday to make up for it. She will be having the time of her life.

She’s obviously not having the time of her life if she’s stressed, overtired and crying down the phone to her aunt. If she was enjoying herself, her aunt would get a look in.

Too much downtime to waste is one thing but this DC doesn’t appear; every waking second (and time when she should be sleeping) accounted for; no time to do anything on her own initiative.

A pp said about the aunt being the maternal figure in this child’s life and I think that’s true. Therefore she can’t really wait for her aunt to provide treats and outings in the holidays; of course she wants to see her more often.

@YellowMarigold the play must be soon if they are practicising at weekends. Do you have the dates? You should be able to get them from school website if necessary. Speak to her Dad, offer to go to the play one night and bring her home. You will probably need to locate the link for tickets and buy yourself tickets - they can sell out so don't miss the boat. If he can go a different night to you then she has two lifts home sorted. She will probably be pleased you made the effort. Similarly are there any concerts she will be in that you could go to and give her a lift home (especially if it is difficult for the Dad)?

I would not suggest pulling her out of a play so close to the actual show if it is this term.

The comments about picking her up after away fixtures and taking her straight home (or via yours) are sensible. You can chat in the car, she gets home quicker. Is there a way you could get access to her school calendar (with her fathers approval of course) so you can see when you could help out more?

Big breakfast - someone suggested this. It makes sense. It must be hard on the Dad though, getting up so early and giving her a good breakfast before getting her sibling ready and to school. He will really be feeling the toll of these early starts too this term. It does get easier but they may well both need your support right now

I don't necessarily that agree that "prep" should be done at school in year 7. This varies school to school (I don't know any secondary aged girls that do homework at school unless it's by choice). If she gets a school bus home (and many others do) then I think it will be normal to do homework not at school - why would they delay the buses home if they don't need to?

I was at a private school in London in the early noughties on a mega music and academic scholarship and 12 hour (plus) schooldays with weekend rehearsals/concerts were entirely normal - just what was expected. If I hadn’t gone down the private school route, my parents would have still ended up ferrying me about between music lessons, rehearsals and concerts after school for the local music service, so the hours would have been very similar. The advantage was having everything on site.

For what it’s worth, I found the transition into university and then paid work fairly easy off the back of my school hours.

She’s 11, and he’s got a younger child at home! He also gets home before her and cooks and eats dinner and has to warm some up for her. So, I don’t think so!

I've noticed some people saying homework (prep) should be done at school. This is only true if they have allocated prep sessions. They're not expected to use their breaks to do homework, they're really not.

My brother sent my niece to a full on school like this after his divorce, as he liked that she was ‘busy’ and he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional fallout of what had happened at home. Do you think your brother is similar @YellowMarigold?

What? How do you think this family can avoid 'emotional fallout' ie. grieving?
Give the man a break. Better to see your child engaged and busy rather than mopping at home. Anyway she'll settle down soon and will take so much from it.

Not all private schools have compulsory after school activities. We never had that at any of my daughter's schools. Although she's busy after school every day and all weekends as she does horse riding, but that's her choice. I don't think schools should force kids to have after school activities if they don't want to.

@saraclara "So if a kid isn't sporty, they're stuffed at a private school? And if they're not good at it they're going to be completely miserable?"

Not at all. Sport is much bigger than at most comprehensives but there are many other options. OPs DN is doing sport, music and drama so there are two non sporty options there already. DS school ( a very ordinary day independent) offered plenty of other clubs such as lego, manga, debating, green energy.

Normal for compulsory sport sat am. However, it usually isn't compulsory for senior pupils. The play is optional so maybe she needs to give up some activities.

The step up to secondary is a big one, and even more so if you are moving from the state system to public school system. My son is busy busy in year 7 at his secondary, and finishes late 3x a week (rugby matches on Thurs & Saturdays, cross country races on weds). The school also has very high academic standards (it's very selective) and a lot is expected of them which he found a shock to start with as his old school was more about fun etc. He loves it all though and is thriving, although tired at times. The only advice I can give is for her to drop anything not compulsory (we have opted out of the one optional extra co-curricular per week as felt it was too much for our boy in year 7) and to give it a good chance. Advise her to give it a good try for the first year and see how she feels at the end of year 7. You will probably find she'll adjust and will start enjoying it. My son says it's a lot of sport but as he loves sport and is good at it, that is 'downtime' to him even when they are playing matches as it's fun. It sounds like you are a great auntie, and lovely for her to have someone to come to for advice x

I wouldn't have wanted that for my children, It's far too much. I'd rather they went to a regular school than have all that pressure. Can't you have a word with your brother?

Hi there,

I think you've been given fab advice and it sounds like your DN is very well.suppprted by you!!!
The other thing I wanted to flag, as a public health nurse myself, is that the school will have really good healthcare facilities and she will be able to access her school nurse to get support with her emotional health. Quite often they will be able to advocate for her with school.and her dad if she wants them to.
Definitely continue being that link for her though (I'm sure you wouldn't do anything but that)