Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

Really? They’re kids that are routinely expected to entertain cousins when they don’t particularly want to. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out they probably find is annoying and disruptive when they just want to spend their weekends relaxing by themselves or with their own friends. Plenty of adults expected to do this would struggle to hide their feelings after a while, let alone kids.

Honestly OP you sound very intrusive. Your brother does not invite you OH to the pub because he is seeing others there and he does not feel that you OH is a friend. To expect him to just because you married him is overstepping. Similarly with the cousins. It's nice to give a chance for a friendship to develop but it either hasn't or they feel like your expectation for them involving your DC does not respect the fact that the cousins - in a very healthy way - are spending time with their friends. Your children tagging along would change that dynamic and does not respect their need for a relationship with their own friends. I think you had an idea in your head about what the cousins relationship would be like - possibly formed when they were born so close to each other? But it's not like that and it's not fair on the cousins for you to keep trying to force it. It's also not fair to judge which you absolutely do when you say 'there was no need for electronics'. If there was no need then there was also no need for your kids to feel clueless and awkward when their cousins failed to act as the entertainment for your kids which you had hoped for. Your kids need to foster closer relationships with the own actual friends and you need to let go of the fantasy re: family relationships which is making you act in ways which are likely to be pissing all over other's boundaries and needs.

You've misunderstood and not read OP's clarification.

They are NOT routinely expected to entertain cousins. They don't see them evey time OP and family visit OP's dad. Just occasionally. And quite honestly, there's no need for total rudeness. They could at least say hello to their cousins, even if their own parents HAVE dragged them away from where they want to be.

Do you really allow your own kids to deliberately blank people who are visiting?

The cousins were rude, and no doubt the SIL etc is rude too. You’d like everyone to at least be polite. That’s fine. I agree. But you don’t like your in-laws or your nephews and nieces. You think they are rude and your in-laws are condescending. The only difference is, you want to put a gloss of societal norm on and act like you all like each other. They don’t want to do that. You all need to find another way to get along, or not, and change your expectations.

It sounds pretty routine, especially if it’s happened multiple times in recent months. Not seeing them every fortnightly visit doesn’t mean they don’t still see them a lot to the point of resentment, especially if they’re not naturally inclined to be friends.

we really don’t know enough of the history or the family dynamics tbh, so I’m not willing to judge the kids. Their own parents aren’t exactly hiding their feelings, it’s hardly surprising that the kids aren’t either.

This particular time the op was in the brothers house so the cousins own home and was what miffed they dared be on their own devices in their own house. As well as having plans that didn’t involve the sibling and inlaw taking her children out ontop of their own three.

Be lucky to get my oldest out of his bedroom in his own home to even breath the same air as his cousins tbh. It’s not like they met up somewhere else or a restaurant it was the children’s home.

Do you really allow your own kids to deliberately blank people who are visiting?

That's missing the point. PP's kids aren't blanking anyone because they're not in the precise situation being commented on. One could just as easily say "Do you really burst into tears if some tweens don't look up from their phones?". Course you don't, and nor do we allow our kids to blank people. But OP is in an odd situation that we've engaged with and tried to get to the bottom of. Sure you can just blame the DBro and think the OP and her DC are as perfect as portrayed. Other people are just tuning into some nuance. It doesn't condone the DBro but nor does it assume OP is beyond reproach. Most likely it's a combination.

Your 'hunch' is very wrong then 🙄

I'm not OP. I post regularly & have never NC'd so easy to check.

Equally instead of breaking Talk guidelines you can ask MNHQ to check.

Amazingly someone who writes supportively of OP does not mean they are a sock puppet.

excessive ampersands too

Side point, but I'm curious about what represents 'excessive' to you?

I would suggest I use them instead of the word 'and' which is hardly excessive and actually the point.

Odd, odd post.

we are in the same position - or rather were - the kids are all a bit older now mine 22 & 15 and the cousins are 21, 19 & 13. My kids have realised they will never have a relationship with their cousins - it's a shame.

It cant be forced. They live a few hours away and we always tried to visit when we could (stopping by whenever we were in the area and inviting ourselves to stay for the weekend etc) - but they barely visited us.

My brother will aways visit when he can - pops to see us when he is anywhere near us, work trips or hobby related stuff and I still chat to him on the phone and we text a lot.

SIL and the kids regularly visit their other cousins on her side we're about 4 hours away and the other cousins are about 3 hours away - they have a great relationship with her parents and brother.

The cousins always look forced when they try to interact with us - last time we were all in a room together the two older ones spent the whole time texting each other and giggling and sniggering (DD saw that they were 'joking' about us) - this was sadder because it was just after my Dad died (that family time between death and funeral) and my Mum wanted all her grandchildren getting along but the cousins just looked pissed off that they even had to be there. She saw too.

I have given up now, so have my kids - it's their loss... my kids are sad as they have no other cousins and never will but I can't be bothered with the rudeness and I hate that my Mum knows how they feel about her.

Unfortunately in this case its pretty obvious that the OP's brother is rude to his own sister and BIL, and is raising rude children. OP, dom't waste your time with him and his family. Go visit your dad and ignore the others.

When I was a child I used to hate being forced to play with children I didn’t like. Just because someone is family it doesn’t mean you have to like them. I can’t stand my SIL or her husband. No reason we should be friends.

Just catching up, it is sad... We don't force ourselves upon them, we do invite them to London, for walks, we asked if they wanted to go see a local pantomime over Christmas while we're at dad's (they had already bought tickets for themselves, we got some for ourselves & dad but adifferent evening to them). I just feel their kids feel contempt for mine... Someome upthread suggested my brother & sil were possibly badmouthing us & their attitude is rubbing off on the kids..

I’ll put money on one or more of the D.C. wanting to stay at yours on London as they get older 😂

Funny you should say that, dh has joked about it too! I asked my dc's this evening if they miss London when we go to Grandad's... They all said no.. Grandad has the best stories, they love his dogs, he's excellent at uno & they enjoy getting out in the countryside.. I left home for college at 18 & have been in London since... Brother & sil moved back to my village after uni, brother inherited land from my dad & has built a wonderful house. At that time we were also offered land but we said no as we didn't want to move. Dad's house is plenty big ebough to accommodate us when we visit & he has lots of outdoor space which the kids love. We have a postage stamp sized garden here in London (& I know we are blessed to have it) but plenty parks in proximity.

Haven't read the whole thread so someone else may have said this but OP you really need to just have a honest chat with your brother and find out from him what the situation is/what the feelings are. You're not going to get any answers from a forum, you'll only get them from the people involved.

Then back off them. Stop trying to arrange get togethers and joint activities for the kids, just leave them be. Be polite when your paths cross, but that’s it. Encourage your kids to do their own stuff when they’re there without involving the cousins. They’re not receptive and trying to engineer closeness is only going to backfire.

@whumpthereitis thanks this is exactly what we'll do going forward.. It is what it is unfortunately..

OP - "Alot " please don't pass your use of this onto your children. It makes you look illiterate. That is all.

🙄

Good grief, I'm a bit of a SPAG pedant myself, but seriously?

Also, do people in the UK seriously still refer to having relatives in the "Far East". It all sounds like something out of a 1940's novel.

Unbelievable. Nasty & rude post

This.

Your brother and his family are rude. It's as simple as that.

@marvellousmaple you seem to really have a problem with me correcting my spelling & now my usage of the Far East... Blimey I'll start another thread if I want grammer, vocabulary & geography lessons... My brother lives in Asia with his family, is this more acceptable for you?