Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

Thanks, we have decided we won't make any fuss at Christmas, they know when we'll be at Dad's if they want to see us... I'm glad this happened before Christmas as at least now we can manage our expectations & not give them the headspace...

Nail. Head.

You have no idea how exhausting and draining it is to provide daily care for an elderly person. More so when you have your own family to look after too.

I will openly admit to being resentful of my siblings. Neither live that far from parents, but neither of them bothered to visit our DM with any regularity at all, even knowing she was dying.

I was there supporting my dad with mums care every single day, sometimes twice daily. I stayed overnight sometimes too. I work full time, from home, and fortunately can work anywhere there's a WiFi connection.

The last thing I wanted/needed to do was facilitate exciting activities for cousins when/if one of my siblings turned up with their DC - that was my opportunity to have some quality time with my kids and DH.

Sorry OP but I think this is on you and you need to lower your expectations of your nieces and nephews, and you need to step up and do more for your DF or accept that your brother will continue to be resentful of you.

I'm doing all I can within my capabilities, we live 3 hours away, both work full time, no wfh or remote option available to either of us... I also work every second weekend.. It seems like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't... Many people on here said I was going home too much to the detriment of my dc... So @Icanflyhigh how can I step up anymore than I am doing?

I could have wrote this myself! And I actually just moved back up north and still no interest whatsoever.

Yet my SIL from my husband lives also away and when she came to London made effort and it was ideal like families should be like.

I'm truly considering moving back to London in the next year or so.

That’s something you’ve chosen to do. The fact that one siblings chooses to remain local/provide elder care does not mean that a sibling that moves away is doing anything wrong, or that they’re somehow obliged to make the same choices as their sibling.

I do think OP needs to step back from trying to force a close family, she’s done absolutely nothing wrong by moving away. If her brother and his family have an issue with that, that’s their problem, not hers.

But the sibling that moves away needs to understand the burden on those who stay.

of course it’s not wrong to move - but op expects to arrive home and the family who are doing all the caring have to then spend their weekends with op and her family. Her brother should go to the pub with her husband, the kids should all play together, there should be family outings.

the family doing the majority of the dating should get a break - these weekends the burden of the elderly father should fall on op and her brothers family should get to be free / not worry about being the only social circle for five more people!

Thank you, short of moving home (& becoming unemployed into the bargain!) which we don't want to do we are trying our very best to care for dad when we are at home. He wants for nothing financially but I know he loves our visits & we love his company. He's the sharpest, wittiest man I know & we really value his} words of wisdom. We are not a burden, sil & brother have to do nothing in the way of preparation for our arrival at dad's. I prefer doing our our own bedding & we do our shop for ourselves & dad en route.

We don't expect it! I just made a point of saying my brother has never once asked dh to the local for a pint.. In 15 years! We are not expecting to be entertained!

I wasn’t close and had no interest in my cousins, my aunt moved them from London to Scotland at similar ages to yours because she wanted them to have family and honestly I just had no care for them and it wasn’t personal but they meant nothing to me I had other people and interests and to this day have no relationship at all with them and will actively avoid them if they visit, when I was young before iPads etc I’d honestly Dive to my room and shut the door and blast music to keep them away from me. I don’t dislike them at all i just don’t know and don’t want to know them I can’t explain why, I wouldn’t take it personally if I was you, but maybe next time take iPads or something so they can Join in on roblox or whatever they like

You might not think you are a burden, but just the presence of other people in your environment can be draining and disruptive. Do you think it would be possible to honestly ask how they are finding caring for your father and if they need more support? Can you go and stay so they can go on a family holiday? Pay for a cleaner? Carer for respite? I have to admit that the last thing I feel like doing some weekends is dealing with other people when I've been caring most of the week.

That might be his down time?

It does sound like he has physical care needs that they take on on a day to day basis then?
Who does the say 4 times a day walks for his dogs usually?
What about general meal prep, provision and house work?
You may not mean to, but it reads to me that you see yourself and family as the ones who really care for him. Like the comment on the panto visit.. " we've bought tickets for us and dad, and they haven't.... just themselves"
Well if they've been there all week, multiple visits a day to care why shouldn't they get some respite?

I'm seriously interested if people in the UK still refer to "the Far East". I thought that was a long forgotten term.It does seem a term from a century ago. It just made this whole strange post seem even stranger to me. Obviously I am wrong so do carry on.

Oh ffs the pedants are out!

OP, I think you have patiently explained your situation and answered every criticism very well. I can only conclude that the family of your DB are unthinking beyind their own small lives which makes them appear unsociable and uncaring….rather insular in fact. No wonder your DF looks forward to you all arriving every two weeks with your joyful news and chat.
YANBU to be upset to see your own DC feeling crushed by their cousins’ ignorance. I hope you can help your dc manage their expectations and disappointment over this without losing their enthusiasm for visits to their dgf.

What @Rainbowcat99 said.

I’m confused, you know what your brother and his family are like but still you expect them to be different every time you visit them. I understand your disappointment but knowingly putting your children in situations that might distress them is on you. You need to start being more proactive and less ‘sad face’.

I know this is Mumsnet but it’s been a while since I saw someone so thoroughly shredded over so little.
I mean even the grammar nazis have crawled out of the 90s to have a go.

Thanks everyone, Dad doesn't have physical care needs as such, he's 75, still drives locally, does his own shopping, prefers to go to the newsagents, butchers, local veg shop etc, it's a social thing for him.... He's also very involved in the village choir... As regards his dogs he still walks them through the fields at the back of his house however my kids love taking over that job with me when we're home.. He's still independent but that's not to say my brother & sil aren't very good to him, they are great... We all like to make a fuss of him. Obviously we've seen a decline jn his physicality in recent years but he is a long way off needing a carer... If you read my comments some while back you'll see that I have often told my brother we will be down such dates if you & the family want to head away... I recently said to my brother to let us kbow if they want to book a hol for next year & we can come down... but honestly they don't go anywhere. Their kids have never been out of England. My village is approximately 2.5 hours from Scotland & they have never brought the kids. We often make the journey with the dc & dad when we're down. I asked my brother if he'd also like to come with the kids for the day... He replied "why would they want to go there"? They can well afford to travel & go on holidays but they just don't seem to see the value in them or have any interest. The village is their life, it's very hard to explain & I know it sounds odd.

@pictish thank you💐

Op

they sound happy and settled, and not keen on visiting you and your family.

Entirely their prerogative. So just let it go. It’s a type of relationship that you and your children want but they do not want, and you simply can’t force your will on them.

It sounds like the best thing is to expect nothing. Then you can only be pleasantly surprised.

They can well afford to travel & go on holidays but they just don't seem to see the value in them or have any interest

Respect that.
Stop asking.

@Gumreduction we do respect that but another poster suggested coming to my dad's to give them respite to go on holidays & I was explaining they just don't go, it's not due to dad it's just something they don't prioritise.

Many posters seem to be under the impression that your dad had care needs, disabilities, needed help with daily living etc. Now you say that is not the case at all.
Why don’t you go by yourself to visit occasionally? That will change the dynamics.

I'm not sure why you even started this thread, OP? Was it to validate your complaints about your DN's perceived rudeness?

Your DB's family is clearly unhappy about something related to your family's visits. Rather than wanting to find out what that may be, you seem fixated on digging your heels in and highlighting all the ways that your family is better than theirs. Little wonder there's an atmosphere when you visit.

Threads like this where an OP has so little self-awareness are exhausting.