Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

And also the genuine excitement my dc have about seeing their cousin's who then treat them with contempt

many multiple visits where they have been treated “with contempt” according to you OP, and yet they still get genuinely excited about see their cousins.

Doesn’t that worry you a bit that pre teens haven’t put 2 and 2 together yet?!

I accept that may sometimes be the case, certainly. I shouldn’t be so sweeping with my statements. But if you live a long way away, not around the corner, and the grandparent is already elderly and disabled - ?- and no longer fun -?- it is harder.

A lot of posters seem to be mistakenly thinking that every time they go up, they're staying with/seeing the DB and SIL.

This episode happened when the brother was hosting OPs dad's birthday. I've not seen anything that says that the cousins are thrown together every couple of weeks.

Do you like to chat with the other parents about your second home in the country?

You haven't answered who gets the food in / cooks / cleans while you're there?

If your brother doesn't live with your dad then why do you still see them all weekend?

@saraclara but can the op's father do all the extras for looking after 5 people. If FIL were fit and well, presumably he'd be visiting the op and her family. It might be BIL.

Having five guests once a fortnight would exhaust me and DH and we are early 60s. I wonder if SIL and BIL are dealing with a shattered FIL for two or three days after the visits.

You’re picking up the signs that all is not well, but at the same time you seem committed to the idea that it’s all normal and fine, to the point where, if your kids weren’t in fact happy with the set up, I wonder how willing you’d be to acknowledge it.

I do think it’s going to get worse for your family, reception wise, though. They’re already at the point where they’re basically ignoring your presence. Continuing as you are is likely to lead to it all blowing up. Something will give.

To be honest it sounds like you swan in every other week, do all the 'nice /cheery' stuff with your DF, then swan off back to live your London life of big jobs and private schools.

When you come to visit your DF, are you actually helpful or a massive ball ache to your DB & DSIL?

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment from your DB /SIL to you, their DC might have picked up on this.

Or they just don't get on with your DC and your DB can't be arsed to step in and be proactive about it like you.

Either way, this is not about the DC

I have a similar issue. We travelled specifically to see my Brother and his family. We had been invited. However, their kids disappeared to their rooms and my two were expected to stay and make small talk with various adults. I asked if they could pop upstairs to say hello to their cousins similar ages (11&8 vs 11&7) and was told "no because their rooms are private.

Before you plan your visit do you call to say you are looking forward to seeing them and make plans for when they are free, ask if you can take your nieces/nephews out? Or do you just drop in and expect your kids to be included in their premade plans with their own friends?

You seem to be taking more exception to my posts than to anyone else's, so I'm sorry for causing offence. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that seeing your father is not a positive thing or that it's in any way a chore. I just think that travelling every other weekend is quite a lot for kids (depending on the distance, of course) and mine would certainly push back! But they are perhaps just less obedient and well-behaved😁

I'm just putting it out there as a hunch, but I think OP has got her own back on this thread. @EarringsandLipstick uses very similar sentence structures to the OP and excessive ampersands too.

Thank you! This is exactly it! We don't see them every time we visit, they're often not around, or are busy & this is fine! My dad prefers not to come to London, he loves his creature comforts at home & his dogs. We bring laundry home with us from the beds, towels etc.. We bring our own shopping & dads also en route. We are not a burden & dad looks forward to us coming so much & vice versa.

I think if you had said all of that in your OP you would have received different replies.

out of interest - how far is the journey?

You say the change has only happened in last few months.

So… how many times has this actually happened if they get together infrequently anyway?

This! 👏🏻

YABU to be crying your eyes out. It dounds like the husband doesn't like your husband and the kids obviously know this and it's possibly rubbed off on them not liking your kids. My son cannot stand 3 of his cousins they just annoy him constantly, though there's a big age gap there.

My DH would never go out for a drink with my brother. He would and has with my BIL. All live close by but he and my brother are very different.

If you'll permit the observation, you really don't seem very receptive to feedback, OP? I'm sure if you consider all of these responses carefully and think back over your behaviour forensically, an explanation of some sort will emerge. But I'm not sure you seem willing to make the sorts of adjustments needed to improve relations.

Did this shift happen after covid? It may be that the two households fell into a comfortable groove during the various lockdowns, when presumably you were unable to visit so frequently, and the change in dynamic since has felt disruptive?

Yes. My dad and my mum's brother are great friends and would always have a drink together, but my own brother would have never had a drink with my ex-husband. People are different.

On the contrary, the thread is generally just full of people questioning the OP’s assessment of the situation. However, the prime example of judgemental nastiness is coming from you, it seems - “people with personality disorders”, “projecting their own bitterness”. Etc.

Or baffled that 2 grown assed adults (the Op and her DH) seem utterly spineless in addressing a couple of preteens spouting nonsense.

Instead feeling “very sad”, crying her eyes out, starting a mumsnet thread navel gazing but doing? Bugger all

oh, it’s perfectly possible to understand why they would like it, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to get it if the cousins aren’t of the same mindset and receptive.

Unfortunately for OP and her children, they’re not. Instead of carrying on as she had been doing and trying to force closeness, which is having the opposite effect, it’s better Op acknowledge and accept the reality.

Yes, I am being judgmental. The behaviour of the brother and his children is rude and unpleasant. Even if he doesn’t get on that well with the OP there is no need to take it out on his nieces/nephews who have tried to be friendly with their cousins. The posters who defend this kind of behaviour must have a skewed way of looking at normal human relationships.