Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

Due to covid we were unable to visit dad, we missed each other greatly & the dc missed out on all that time with their grandad. We love his company & enjoy spending time in the countryside. We don't expect their cousins to be at their beck & call. I was just upset at my dc being blatently ignored.

Jesus OP I don't know why you're getting such a hard time !

Sounds like you work very hard to make sure you're available for your father. People asked you specific questions about how you manage your family life and then you're accused of giving non relevant information.

Don't get me fucking started on them banging on about your grammar!

However I would say perhaps now the children are older they've drifted apart. Your nieces and nephews have activities/things to do at the weekend and harsh as it sounds maybe they don't really want their cousins hanging around them all weekend twice a month. As I'm sure you know being them same age doesn't mean you particularly enjoy their company. It doesnt mean there's anything wrong with your kids! They might have said something to your SIL which is why she brushes off your kids attempts to join them.

Maybe your brother just doesn't really like your husband, shit as that. Has your husband suggested going to the pub to him?

Agree OP.

No DH hasn't asked him, we just think it's a little odd as brother goes down the pub every weekend for a couple of pints but doesn't as dh.. I don't think I clarified, it's often just me & the kids who head down, eldest has stayed behind with DH on a few occasions if he has matches or an event with kids. When dh does come down he enjoys a round of golf & pub lunch with dad. I don't think he feels he's missing out by not socialising with my brother. It's just if the shoe was on the other foot, my dh would politely ask... I totally agree with the posters who say I must manage my expectations &, this is the perfect time to start leading up to Christmas.

Unless you are able to have a frank conversation with your DB I don't you will get any further on here OP

After all your responses I think he is either
*a not very nice man and this has rubbed off on his family
*resentful for some reason

I say this as I remember my DM getting pissed off with my Aunty when she used to swan in every week or so, spend time with DGM, go on and on about her busy life (she took early retirement), her amazing DC (my cousins were prats) etc.

My DGM was her 'best self' during these visits and in between visits used to talk about my Aunty and her family like they bloody amazing. I know this really grated on my DM, as in reality, my Aunty did fuck all to help, particularly as DGM got older

Family dynamics can be very tricky, we live away and have a different lifestyle to my sister and family who stayed local. We all rub along but I always worry she thinks we sweep in and out again and expect to be seen and entertained etc. It is a disruption to their usual routines. I think they feel we are a bit snobby etc as the children have different lives, we are interested in different things. I think your different attitude to devices may indicate this divide and how they don't want the children to stand on ceremony for you. I also wonder as it is your inlaws then it is clunckier as men generally don't try and facilitate all the family stuff and SIL resents so many interruptions to their daily life. No ones fault really, just lower your expectations, my be have them to your dads for a easy meal but don't try forcing lots of events.

It seems your going to visit your DDad and just can't grasp that this visit should not impact on your DB and SIl in any way . Over the years they have declined family walks and other things you try to include them in . Your DH isn't invited to the pub open your eyes op and realise you have different expectations of what should happen when you visit .

Also you say you visit very frequently,thatt does sound like you expect a lot from frequent visits, perhaps the break during covid has given them time to evaluate what they want from their weekends , hope you can get the balance right.

So there has been that break in visits between pre-Covid and now. How were the cousins before? Has time apart made them drift apart?

How were their parents? Maybe they got used to the quiet and aren't liking having to deal with more people in their space again? I have to admit, socially, I'm still not back to feeling how I was before lockdowns.

I think you expect too much from them and you go down too much.

Your DC are the age where they're going to want to spend more time with their friends.
Do you and your DH have friends or other things to do on the weekend?

Respite isn't just "to go away" because that is what you would do.

Its about relief from the day by day responsibilities of checking up on someone, making sure all is well and providing care when needed even if not at a high level as yet.

What comes across repeatedly in your posts is that you look down upon your brother's family, you think they are "odd" for living a happy and contented life in a close community. You say you don't expect to be entertained but are there every other week and expect your husband to be included in your brother's social group, invites to go to the panto with them and their kids to entertain yours.

But looking through your posts the story has shifted more frequently than sand so who knows what the reality is.

What do you want from this thread? What was the point in starting this thread if you simply tell anyone who doesn't wholeheartedly agree with you that they are wrong?

Just cherry pick the handful who agree with you and crack on with your superior life and continue to look down on the bumpkin cousins.

They’re just not that into you, OP

Of course it's sad that their cousins aren't interested, but you can't force these things. They aren't interested in your children, and it's up to you to manage the expectations of your kids to avoid them being upset. At 12 (and assuming this is a not a new problem) they ought to know what their cousins are like and be prepared that that is how they will act. I find it odd that they are still excited and then disappointed if this is an ongoing thing. Your kids need to learn that not everyone will like them and, unfrotunately, their cousins fall within this.

Have you ever invited the kids to visit you in London? A visit to London for kids who live in a village can be very exciting and it couldimprove things.

I would just stop bothering with them. It seems like your brother and his wife are just fully ingrained in their village life and friends there etc and the kids are going the same way. It’s all very strange. They could also be badmouthing your family in front of their kids.
I think you are the normal ones and they are just plain weird. Let them crack on with their insular life and you just do you. Enjoy your time with your Dad and if you happen to see them then fine, if not, also fine.

I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

I get that you need to vent here, & agree that it's really poor form of your DB & SiL. The way your DC's cousins respond to them didn't come from nowhere - their parents are at minimum enabling it, at worst encouraging it.

But if you won't discuss it, how do you think you are going to have even a chance of obtaining resolution?

I understand where you're coming from, I have a similar situation except one family member is actively rude. I've now stepped back and I don't go home as much as I used to. The family member is a bit less rude because I cut her off and grey rock her and carry on regardless.

I'd have gently called out my niece if she told me I wasn't welcome at an event. I'd have gone regardless to annoy her, I think you need to make your presence known more. Carry on regardless & stop seeking their approval and ignore them. You're there for your dad and not for them and I bet you they might start to behave a bit more politely.

If you visit regularly then attempt to make friends in the village and build your own social circle. Your sister in law sounds very cold and your brother and his kids not very friendly. Do you think they're trying to freeze you out so you don't visit your dad so often?

We certainly weren't socially engineering by choosing the school.
😂😂😂

Ah, come on now!

Any parent who chooses private school is socially engineering. It's one of the main motivators - better teaching (or at least better class ratios & more exam hothousing), better opportunities, 'better' contacts ...

Truthfully are you and your brother friends? Presumably if you were, you could talk to him about this.

I think it's clear that he and his wife have distanced themselves from you for whatever reason, and their kids have followed suit as they don't know any better. What do you think causes a rift?

Has your dad noticed how the two sets of sibling families don't interact? What's his take?

I think they drew a line under a relationship with you when you moved away.

Caused*

Also do they live with you dad?

Getting what she wants and getting the truth may be very different things.

No they don't live with dad, they built on one of his fields. We had the option of doing the same when we got married but we didn't as our careers were & still are in London & can't be done remotely.

To be fair...the cousins sound as if they are fed up having to take your kids to the things they want to go to with their own friends. Not surprised they aren't filled with glee when you come visiting , especially when you cry your eyes out when they want to do their own thing.