To think my friends don't give a shit about me?

[stelmosfire09]

I'm going through a really bad break up, after a ten year relationship. He basically promised me the world however within the past 6 months he has decided he can't commit and has fucked off travelling. I'm 30 and feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted on him.

My two best friends and basically the only friends I have have been really good and supportive. But they both have kids, one has two kids and is married, the other has one kid but is single but doesn't seem to have that panic of finding someone as she has her child and doesn't want anymore so she hasn't the pressure of having to find someone to have children, she also just seems very content being single.

I went over to my single friends house last night for some drinks, we ended up staying up until about 4 in the morning (we started drinking late as she was working).

Both my friends know I am particularly vulnerable when I'm hungover and more likely to contact my ex. Around 2 pm today I phoned my married friend and asked her to pick me up as due to my hangover and anxiety I couldn't bear to be alone. She said she would pick me up but she was taking her kids to the park so I'd have to join them. I said it didn't matter.

My single friend who I'd been up half the night with just wouldn't answer my calls at all. When she finally got in touch she said she had been sleeping but was avoiding the question when I repeatedly asked her where she was. I honestly can't bear to be alone with a hangover since the break up and I have just felt totally alone and unsupported today.

My single friend generally likes to be alone, and with a hangover she likes to just watch films and chill out but surely if a friend is in need you would make an exception. I have been crawling out my skin.

These women I would bend over backwards for and inconvienice myself if they needed me but today just proved they don't feel the same way about me.

I know they have families, but the single ones daughter wasn't with her today. AIBU To be angry and feel unsupported? I just feel like cutting them off to be honest.

Why refuse going to the park with your friend and her kids?
Surely better than being alone and thinking of your ex - even if ideally you wanted to be one to one with her, actually a distraction of being out in the fresh air and in company would have done you good!

I do feel a bit sorry for the OP. Not because anyone's wrong, but because she's upset and some of these responses are, well sometimes It's not what you say but how you say it.

Assuming this poster is genuine mumsnet should be fucking ashamed of themselves. You have someone vulnerable and grieving over a 10 year relationship and for some reason it's acceptable to pile on to someone who is feeling so down they can't stand being alone even for one night. This really is a vest of fucking miserable bitch vipers and shame on MN for not putting a stop to the bullying. You make me sick.

Yes, YABU

You have unreasonable expectations of others, when they've already been super and supportive friends. It's not enough for you

I understand you're hurting from a break up 6 months ago. I wonder if you've become stuck in a self perpetuating spiral - as whist I could see this needy behaviour for first couple days after a breakup, I think you've gotten into unhealthy preoccupation over time since then. I think you've lost perspective, it's not "better" friends you'd benefit from- you've got great friends, really patient- but a counsellor that you'd benefit more from.

It's not all about the break up is it? Is it more about losing your opportunity to have children within short period of time with your ex.? You've lost an imagined future and you're stuck in that regret and anger rather than healthily moving on (which would more likely enable you better chance of finding that future).

Save yourself and your friends some time and more angst, use some of that alcohol money on a good counsellor for a few sessions

Part of becoming emotionally mature is learning that the only person responsible for your behaviour is you. And the only person responsible for regulating your emotions is you.

So, I mean this kindly, but the only person responsible for how much you drink, or if you call your ex, or managing your anxiety, sadness and loneliness, is you. And that can be really empowering once you get your head around it as a concept.

YABU - if you are particularly vulnerable with a hangover you need to cut back drinking at
least for a while.

I wish there was a like button!

OP I think you should consider reposting this or getting it moved to somewhere else like the relationship boards.

This.

YABU.

Thats a lot of intensity to pile on two busy mums at the last minute. You can’t just demand where they are and for them to take priority for you on a Saturday.

I think the solution here is to lay off the booze if the hangover is that bad. Anxiety hangovers are the absolute worst, you don’t need that in your life right now.

OP I think if you genuinely can't be in your own for one evening due to low mood, then please consider going to your GP on Monday for anti depressants and possibly a mental health referral to crisis team

I read your two posts as you not wanting to be on your own, (rather preferring to spend it with friends sitting in their houses, and feeling rotten with your hangover), rather than you are unable to be in your own.

But if as some recent posters seem to think, you are very vulnerable, then there's 111 to call in for urgent mental health medical help
And Samaritans helpline.

But if your reaction to reading this is "I'm nowhere near that level of upset or distress, I'm fine really just wanted to hang out more with my friends" , then please see post before about arranging private counselling for yourself.

Of course they’d know you were there!! That’s a really big ask OP. They have lives and responsibilities and sorry but I personally wouldn’t have the time or inclination to ever stop everything in a weekend instantly to help out a friend who’s feeling hungover. I’d find that very overbearing

This can’t be real.

This. Children are tiring and a responsibility. These friends are helping you in the way that they are able. Until you have children, you don’t realise what a drain on you energy they are. You don’t have to concern yourself with keeping everyone happy so are expecting too much.

When I went through the break up of a 10 year relationship at 30 (so I get it) I also didn't want to be alone much and my friends were fabulous but obviously still had their own lives. I remember being invited to homebase, IKEA, taking their kids swimming, ballet shows ect and I was so grateful for their time. I would never have expected them to change their plans, maybe rephrase it in your head and think how lucky you are to have 2 wonderful friends who are happy to spend their precious time with you.

YABU you can't expect your friends to carry you, you're a grown woman!

☝️

Self compassion will help. There are workbooks online you can get. That comfort you're looking for in others you can give to yourself.donr spoil these friendships by pressuring people to give you more than they can. I'd apologise to them both ( not dramatically) and try to reassess my expectations of others a bit. You can get through this,:)

I have a step daughter who absolutely is exactly like this and worse...

Are you a petulant spoilt child?!

Grow up. Stop being so narcissistic, introspected and self centred.

Join clubs, get a hobby and find some new friends and apologize to your poor beleaguered friends for your selfish expectations.

Is the drinking why your partner left?

I say this gently but YABU.
One needs to sleep off her hangover, one did what she could but has children to look after. You’re a big girl and need to manage your own emotions though I understand you are going through a hard time and wish you had more friends to support you.

Well did you give a shit about them when he was around or are you one of those awful women who only surface when boo hoo your love life has ended?

OP can you

I went through a difficult 10 year break up, was with him from age 17 to 27. I met someone else and I breathe a sigh of relief now as he was a selfish arse and having children with him would have been a lot worse. I was devastated though, lost my self esteem and felt my future was taken away. I really empathise with the OP.

Posted too soon, OP I was going to say can you find ways of getting more support - someone suggested Counselling or connecting online? I wish there was an online group I could have done after my break up. Plan things you like doing as well.

No OP, don’t fall out with your two best friends over this. You would regret that very much indeed down the line.
You are in a sea of grief right now but when you eventually come out of it - and I promise you will, - you will take on a different more positive perspective instead of feeling angry that they don’t care.
It’s overwhelmingly sad your relationship has ended and you sound a bit panicky for now but if you give it time, you will realise how strong a position you are in with ten years of valuable relationship experience behind you - yet still so young. Be glad of that experience, - value it, it means you are very well equipped as an adult now.
You do need to work hard on picking yourself up though. It isn’t easy. But it is your duty to yourself now so don’t let yourself down because nobody else can do it for you.
Widen your circle of friends if you can…it might mean stepping out of your comfort zone. Test yourself -see if you can bring yourself to do that. Pick yourself and try again. Be determined. Also use this recovery time to get fit and healthy without alcohol as a prop. Push yourself to do something new on your own …just a tiny little thing… each month or week if you can. Gradually you will build up your independence and strength and your troubles will shrink.
Work on a new normal for yourself now this hangover crisis is over. Learn to be OK with yourself on your own.You are the best person to rely on. And don’t rush into a new relationship until you feel happy in yourself and really ready as opposed to needy.
You will be Ok. Best of luck to you.