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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends don't give a shit about me?

246 replies

stelmosfire09 · 19/11/2022 22:41

I'm going through a really bad break up, after a ten year relationship. He basically promised me the world however within the past 6 months he has decided he can't commit and has fucked off travelling. I'm 30 and feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted on him.

My two best friends and basically the only friends I have have been really good and supportive. But they both have kids, one has two kids and is married, the other has one kid but is single but doesn't seem to have that panic of finding someone as she has her child and doesn't want anymore so she hasn't the pressure of having to find someone to have children, she also just seems very content being single.

I went over to my single friends house last night for some drinks, we ended up staying up until about 4 in the morning (we started drinking late as she was working).

Both my friends know I am particularly vulnerable when I'm hungover and more likely to contact my ex. Around 2 pm today I phoned my married friend and asked her to pick me up as due to my hangover and anxiety I couldn't bear to be alone. She said she would pick me up but she was taking her kids to the park so I'd have to join them. I said it didn't matter.

My single friend who I'd been up half the night with just wouldn't answer my calls at all. When she finally got in touch she said she had been sleeping but was avoiding the question when I repeatedly asked her where she was. I honestly can't bear to be alone with a hangover since the break up and I have just felt totally alone and unsupported today.

My single friend generally likes to be alone, and with a hangover she likes to just watch films and chill out but surely if a friend is in need you would make an exception. I have been crawling out my skin.

These women I would bend over backwards for and inconvienice myself if they needed me but today just proved they don't feel the same way about me.

I know they have families, but the single ones daughter wasn't with her today. AIBU To be angry and feel unsupported? I just feel like cutting them off to be honest.

OP posts:
ACollectionofCells · 19/11/2022 23:54

Also I misinterpreted your OP and thought you'd actually gone to the park with your friend. I think that would have done you good-some fresh air and being around what I assume are cheerful children.

Dita73 · 19/11/2022 23:55

Grow up and stop drinking

Readaboutyourself · 19/11/2022 23:56

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:54

Yanbu at ALL. I hope it doesn't happen to them but if any of these so called friends lives were turned upside down they wouldn't expect help they'd need it. That's what friends do. They can just pick when to be there for you. I can never ever understand how useless and distanced people can be when someone's struggling, I'm so sorry Op.

Eh?

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:57

Also to those being so callous in their replies to the OP, it literally says she's going through a bad break up. Consider how much of an affect that may have on someone and be a bit kinder with your words, it's actually very, very irresponsible to all pile on top of someone who is clearly vulnerable. Her friends should realise that too and make special exceptions even if they have got busy lives, we ALL have but I'd drop anything to be there for a friend in this situation, you never know what someone's going through.

JCoverdale · 19/11/2022 23:57

You need to stop drinking alcohol. You are using it as a crutch and it is blowing back on you horribly if you are "crawling out of your skin". (That's an excellent description of severe alcohol withdrawal by the way- what you called a "hangover")

Roocakes · 19/11/2022 23:58

OP, you’re 30 not 50 and you’ll find a decent relationship again. Your friends have given you support and sat with you but they can’t be at your beck and call. They aren’t responsible for you.

If being hungover means you feel vulnerable, don’t get drunk. Try finding healthy ways to distract and soothe yourself and work on dealing with emotional low points.

Chailatteplease · 19/11/2022 23:58

For the anxiety, sweet cup of tea and hot bath. Even if you just sit in it, it should help with that wanting to crawl out of your skin feeling. When you’ve calmed down, put some east watching tv on and distract yourself.

donttellmehesalive · 19/11/2022 23:59

I've seen longer relationships and marriages end without this level of drama. I mean, they were there for you until 4am so sound like good friends. Today, they have other commitments and you are disappointed in them. YABU.

fannyfartlet · 19/11/2022 23:59

They are not going to be your friends for much longer OP. Needy is not the word.....

BatshitBanshee · 20/11/2022 00:00

Don't worry OP, keep going like you are and you won't have friends to blame for the consequences of your own actions. You may not have the sense to not drink if you get into such a state but I'll tell you what you do have - the audacity. The audacity to expect your two friends to give up their Saturday plans because you can't bear to be alone with your self induced hangover. Sober up, clean up your act and get some help. Did you even think about your friends kids? What they'd ask their mum about her friend holed up in the spare room or hanging around - literally - while they're on a trip to the park. I understand you're hurting but you cannot expect anyone else to interrupt their lives because you can't keep it together - and pleading about them knowing what you're like when you're hungover: how often do you do this to them?

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 20/11/2022 00:01

fannyfartlet · 19/11/2022 23:59

They are not going to be your friends for much longer OP. Needy is not the word.....

Silly thing to say to someone going through a break up and coming to an online forum for help as they admit they can't be alone at the moment. I'm sure being told they will have no friends as well as no boyfriend is really good for their mental health, well done.

BlackberriesArePurple · 20/11/2022 00:01

I mean this kindly but you must take control of your own life. Friends can be a huge support but you can't demand they are available when it suits you, for something as minor as a self-inflicted hangover. For a serious issue or crisis, then yes it would be different.

I would suggest that if you really want a child you look into doing that alone. Your anxiety seems to be centred around this and it's not a good reason to look for a relationship, or a recipe for a successful one, to go into dating with that as your main aim rather than focusing on the person you are meeting.

Are you having some therapy to work through things? I understand you are upset about the breakup but don't project this onto your friends and ruin your friendships.

Greennetting · 20/11/2022 00:03

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:57

Also to those being so callous in their replies to the OP, it literally says she's going through a bad break up. Consider how much of an affect that may have on someone and be a bit kinder with your words, it's actually very, very irresponsible to all pile on top of someone who is clearly vulnerable. Her friends should realise that too and make special exceptions even if they have got busy lives, we ALL have but I'd drop anything to be there for a friend in this situation, you never know what someone's going through.

It's irresponsible to let the OP think her behaviour to her friends is reasonable and that they are bad friends. That ends in her being single with no friends.

Her friends are making exceptions, one stayed up until 4am with her the other offered to detour to pick her up on her way to the park.

But given we, as you say, never know what someone is going through, it seems a bit unfair to insist in her friends dropping everything for her (on top of what they are already doing for her). After all you don't know what's going on in their lives.

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 20/11/2022 00:04

JackTorrance · 19/11/2022 23:02

Hats off to them, I couldn't cope with you.

Is this really how to talk to someone going through a bad time who says they can't be alone at the moment? My God, words have consequences.

Readaboutyourself · 20/11/2022 00:05

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:57

Also to those being so callous in their replies to the OP, it literally says she's going through a bad break up. Consider how much of an affect that may have on someone and be a bit kinder with your words, it's actually very, very irresponsible to all pile on top of someone who is clearly vulnerable. Her friends should realise that too and make special exceptions even if they have got busy lives, we ALL have but I'd drop anything to be there for a friend in this situation, you never know what someone's going through.

You would drop your children?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/11/2022 00:05

Sorry love. I know your hurting but that doesn't mean their lives and families come second. They can't drop everything for you and you're expecting too much.

It's not their fault you overdrank and can't be alone when hungover.

StClare101 · 20/11/2022 00:07

Wow. You sound completely self-absorbed and to be frank a bit pathetic. Take some accounts and stop drinking like that. Your friends have other priorities.

You sound like an utter pain in the arse.

Boxofsockss · 20/11/2022 00:07

Get a grip. They have children. You are not their priority or responsibility.

Mamai90 · 20/11/2022 00:08

I usually will back the OP when I feel they are unfairly being given a hard time but I'm sorry you are being ridiculous.

Your friends were drinking with you til 4 am, even that is a massive ask for anyone with kids.

Quit drinking, I did 3 years ago and don't regret it one bit. My hangovers caused me terrible anxiety. You've really got to sort your own life out and your friends can be supportive but they have their own lives and responsibilities.

I suspect this isn't a genuine thread but if it is I think you need to take the pretty much unanimous advice on board.

mashh · 20/11/2022 00:11

I am SO confused at this

Op, you have better friends than most and need to wake up and see that

Friend 1 is single and possibly struggling with her own breakup but you're just focused on you. Your relationship breakdown was 6 months ago. She has a child and let you stay at hers drinking until 4am. Sorry but I start wanting people to leave at around midnight so she's a good sport and WAS being supportive of you. She's not a bad person for wanting the rest of her day to herself.

Friend 2 literally offered to spend time with you and be with you and pick you up. What more did you want, for her to dump her kids and go drinking?

The only person responsible for you feeling vulnerable is you unfortunately. And to a certain extent, your ex. It's unfair to make it your friend's responsibility to sort.

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 20/11/2022 00:11

Greennetting · 20/11/2022 00:03

It's irresponsible to let the OP think her behaviour to her friends is reasonable and that they are bad friends. That ends in her being single with no friends.

Her friends are making exceptions, one stayed up until 4am with her the other offered to detour to pick her up on her way to the park.

But given we, as you say, never know what someone is going through, it seems a bit unfair to insist in her friends dropping everything for her (on top of what they are already doing for her). After all you don't know what's going on in their lives.

Show quote history

The Op is clearly struggling, she has said she can't be alone at the moment more than once on this thread. There is absolutely no justifying the harsh and nasty responses on here or the tone of them or how they're worded, I'd never ever dream of saying some of these responses to someone whose already suddenly alone from a break up. Op, if you're reading this there are kind people out there who will help you. You won't find it on Mumsnet but if you're really feeling alone or like you can't be alone at the moment, take yourself to see family if you can, spend more time at work and don't let the way people have treated you on this thread put you off. If these two particular friends are busy, leave that for now but focus on you. Please don't ever think that because your friends can't make time for you in the way you would like them to at the moment that nobody wants you around. It can be so difficult for people to detach from their busy routines and appreciate how bad someone is feeling. Nobody on this thread knows you, what you're like with your friends usually or what you would usually ask of them and nobody knows about your breakup or how it could have affected you so please take responses like 'I couldn't cope with you' with a lunch of salt. I'm sure a lot of people can cope with you and it's normal to really need people when you have anxiety. There is always someone who will listen and although im a stranger you can message me on here if you ever need to talk to somebody. I hope you're feeling less anxious then you were when you needed to be around your friends but if you aren't always remember there's a rational part of you underneath it all that will always bring you back to balance no matter what happens. I wish you all the best.

mashh · 20/11/2022 00:12

Also stop drinking if you can't trust yourself when hungover

It's a known side effect that alcohol gives you a temporary buzz and that you feel down after. Break the cycle

DuplicateUserName · 20/11/2022 00:14

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:54

Yanbu at ALL. I hope it doesn't happen to them but if any of these so called friends lives were turned upside down they wouldn't expect help they'd need it. That's what friends do. They can just pick when to be there for you. I can never ever understand how useless and distanced people can be when someone's struggling, I'm so sorry Op.

Her friend was on the piss with her until 4am

How is that distant?

BobbyBobbyBobby · 20/11/2022 00:15

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LikeTearsInRain · 20/11/2022 00:18

Sorry YABU I don’t think I could cope with a hungover friend trying to force their way into my day with my kids or demanding that I, also hungover, should be spending the day consoling them.