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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends don't give a shit about me?

246 replies

stelmosfire09 · 19/11/2022 22:41

I'm going through a really bad break up, after a ten year relationship. He basically promised me the world however within the past 6 months he has decided he can't commit and has fucked off travelling. I'm 30 and feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted on him.

My two best friends and basically the only friends I have have been really good and supportive. But they both have kids, one has two kids and is married, the other has one kid but is single but doesn't seem to have that panic of finding someone as she has her child and doesn't want anymore so she hasn't the pressure of having to find someone to have children, she also just seems very content being single.

I went over to my single friends house last night for some drinks, we ended up staying up until about 4 in the morning (we started drinking late as she was working).

Both my friends know I am particularly vulnerable when I'm hungover and more likely to contact my ex. Around 2 pm today I phoned my married friend and asked her to pick me up as due to my hangover and anxiety I couldn't bear to be alone. She said she would pick me up but she was taking her kids to the park so I'd have to join them. I said it didn't matter.

My single friend who I'd been up half the night with just wouldn't answer my calls at all. When she finally got in touch she said she had been sleeping but was avoiding the question when I repeatedly asked her where she was. I honestly can't bear to be alone with a hangover since the break up and I have just felt totally alone and unsupported today.

My single friend generally likes to be alone, and with a hangover she likes to just watch films and chill out but surely if a friend is in need you would make an exception. I have been crawling out my skin.

These women I would bend over backwards for and inconvienice myself if they needed me but today just proved they don't feel the same way about me.

I know they have families, but the single ones daughter wasn't with her today. AIBU To be angry and feel unsupported? I just feel like cutting them off to be honest.

OP posts:
Classical24 · 19/11/2022 23:18

stelmosfire09 · 19/11/2022 22:41

I'm going through a really bad break up, after a ten year relationship. He basically promised me the world however within the past 6 months he has decided he can't commit and has fucked off travelling. I'm 30 and feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted on him.

My two best friends and basically the only friends I have have been really good and supportive. But they both have kids, one has two kids and is married, the other has one kid but is single but doesn't seem to have that panic of finding someone as she has her child and doesn't want anymore so she hasn't the pressure of having to find someone to have children, she also just seems very content being single.

I went over to my single friends house last night for some drinks, we ended up staying up until about 4 in the morning (we started drinking late as she was working).

Both my friends know I am particularly vulnerable when I'm hungover and more likely to contact my ex. Around 2 pm today I phoned my married friend and asked her to pick me up as due to my hangover and anxiety I couldn't bear to be alone. She said she would pick me up but she was taking her kids to the park so I'd have to join them. I said it didn't matter.

My single friend who I'd been up half the night with just wouldn't answer my calls at all. When she finally got in touch she said she had been sleeping but was avoiding the question when I repeatedly asked her where she was. I honestly can't bear to be alone with a hangover since the break up and I have just felt totally alone and unsupported today.

My single friend generally likes to be alone, and with a hangover she likes to just watch films and chill out but surely if a friend is in need you would make an exception. I have been crawling out my skin.

These women I would bend over backwards for and inconvienice myself if they needed me but today just proved they don't feel the same way about me.

I know they have families, but the single ones daughter wasn't with her today. AIBU To be angry and feel unsupported? I just feel like cutting them off to be honest.

YABU - OP, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a breakup, it's truly an awful feeling and it's ok to feel less dependent. However, from what you have told us, your friends are doing as much as they can, to support you.

Try and look at it from an outsiders POV, you seem very needy and are being unreasonable thinking they do not care.

Hope you get better soon!

melchim · 19/11/2022 23:21

SO unreasonable.

jazzybelle · 19/11/2022 23:21

YABU.

And this sounds like a load of bullshit.

Badgirlriri · 19/11/2022 23:24

Agree it sounds like bullshit.

no one is this selfish surely? YABU.

user1464279374 · 19/11/2022 23:24

YABVU. The most self centred thing I've ever read.

Greennetting · 19/11/2022 23:24

Unfortunately you probably won't get it here as most people have had an empathy bypass.

Not an empathy bypass. Just most of us are feeling more sympathy for the poor woman who stayed up until 4am to keep her friend company and is then expected to go without sleep the next day and give up her spare bedroom.

Or the friend who is being called a shit friend because she was willing to come and pick the OP up on her way to her park with her children, but that apparently wasn't good enough.

It's crap for the OP to be going through a break up. It will be even more crap for the OP if she loses two, by the sounds of it, excellent friends with her behaviour. Pointing that out to her does not constitute an empathy bypass.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 19/11/2022 23:25

Been there, done that with the anxiety hangovers. You need to stop drinking while you are feeling so low. Alcohol is not going to make you feel better.

Learn to be comfortable on your own. I know it's difficult after a long relationship where you never really slept on your own - also been there and done that, but you can't expect your friends to be at your beck and call for this. Find a new hobby or project to keep you busy. Start couch to 5k, go for long walks with an audiobook, DIY, yoga, anything that you can do on your own. Also maybe start a hobby which involves new people, you said that these are your only two friends.

Book some therapy sessions if you can afford it,

Block your ex and delete his number. Block all of his social media accounts. Life is better when you can't see any trace of an ex like this.

MichelleScarn · 19/11/2022 23:26

Badgirlriri · 19/11/2022 23:24

Agree it sounds like bullshit.

no one is this selfish surely? YABU.

Agree, soon many dramatic absolutely could never not Be Unreasonable posts on in last few days...

DucklingDaisy · 19/11/2022 23:32

Did you want your friend with kids not to take them out to the park so you could go over and sleep in her spare bedroom and not be alone in the house? Bonkers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/11/2022 23:32

You’re fine so nothing terrible happened because you had to sleep in your own bed. Hopefully you didn’t message your ex but if you did that’s no one else’s responsibility.

If you can’t handle hangovers then don’t drink too much.

Changemaname1 · 19/11/2022 23:35

You sound ridiculous

How much time did you spend with them before your break up ?

Seriously what do you expect from then get a grip

ErinAndTonic · 19/11/2022 23:36

Yeah. You sound massively over the top, and a bit self cantered tbh.. you've said they were there for you but they have lives of their own and other commitments/priorities that might come first sometimes.

MichelleScarn · 19/11/2022 23:36

DucklingDaisy · 19/11/2022 23:32

Did you want your friend with kids not to take them out to the park so you could go over and sleep in her spare bedroom and not be alone in the house? Bonkers.

Just realised must have been this... absolutely bonkers!

Bucketheadbucketbum · 19/11/2022 23:37

Wow you need help. Yab v v v v v v v v v v v u

Chailatteplease · 19/11/2022 23:41

stelmosfire09 · 19/11/2022 22:41

I'm going through a really bad break up, after a ten year relationship. He basically promised me the world however within the past 6 months he has decided he can't commit and has fucked off travelling. I'm 30 and feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted on him.

My two best friends and basically the only friends I have have been really good and supportive. But they both have kids, one has two kids and is married, the other has one kid but is single but doesn't seem to have that panic of finding someone as she has her child and doesn't want anymore so she hasn't the pressure of having to find someone to have children, she also just seems very content being single.

I went over to my single friends house last night for some drinks, we ended up staying up until about 4 in the morning (we started drinking late as she was working).

Both my friends know I am particularly vulnerable when I'm hungover and more likely to contact my ex. Around 2 pm today I phoned my married friend and asked her to pick me up as due to my hangover and anxiety I couldn't bear to be alone. She said she would pick me up but she was taking her kids to the park so I'd have to join them. I said it didn't matter.

My single friend who I'd been up half the night with just wouldn't answer my calls at all. When she finally got in touch she said she had been sleeping but was avoiding the question when I repeatedly asked her where she was. I honestly can't bear to be alone with a hangover since the break up and I have just felt totally alone and unsupported today.

My single friend generally likes to be alone, and with a hangover she likes to just watch films and chill out but surely if a friend is in need you would make an exception. I have been crawling out my skin.

These women I would bend over backwards for and inconvienice myself if they needed me but today just proved they don't feel the same way about me.

I know they have families, but the single ones daughter wasn't with her today. AIBU To be angry and feel unsupported? I just feel like cutting them off to be honest.

I normally go against the usual MN narrative about not being able to have any expectations of those close to you. But this time, YABU. They have supported you. I’m the same as your single friend in that I like to be alone after a long night of drinking/socialising. I’d consider that I’d done my bit. Your other friend offered to pick you up when she already had plans.
Sorry you’re finding it tough OP, it’s a shit time for you. But your anger/resentment does seem mis-directed.

ChickenBurgers · 19/11/2022 23:41

YABU. You’re being incredibly needy. You’re 30 years old, it’s not your friends responsibility to look after you when you’re hungover and if you know being hungover is something that increases your anxiety to that degree, you shouldn’t be drinking or at least not drinking to the point where you’ll be hungover.

JoelyJoe · 19/11/2022 23:43

YABU. Your friends are being really supportive, but they have lives of their own which are just as important. You need to consider them too ... even though you've had a bad breakup. If you demand too much, you may lose those lovely friends.

elephantonacid · 19/11/2022 23:46

Another saying this is obviously a reverse

zen1 · 19/11/2022 23:46

I don’t believe a thirty year old would behave like this.

Beautiful3 · 19/11/2022 23:47

Your friends are very kind and sound nice. You sound a bit needy and self absorbed I'm sorry to say. Take time for self care, and spending time alone. You don't need people like you think you do. One day you'll be happy to spend time alone.

Justcallmebebes · 19/11/2022 23:48

I think the friend who stayed up with you till 4am was being a bloody good mate. The other who invited you along to join her day was also being a good friend so you are blessed OP.

Shitty men come and go but good friends are priceless. You obviously feel rubbish at the moment but don't take it out your mates because it sounds like they're trying to he there for you. It's shit, but you'll get over him

Readaboutyourself · 19/11/2022 23:50

Please say this is a joke.

ladydimitrescu · 19/11/2022 23:52

I think you possibly need to get some help op.
And don't get that drunk if you're going to be like this the day after.

ACollectionofCells · 19/11/2022 23:53

I do agree you're being unreasonable.

However I remember this feeling, granted when I was a lot younger but the same feeling.

If you really need company and not to be alone-go on tiktok and go in someone's live where people will talk to you.

Or go in a chat room on Paltalk.

Or go onto an active forum (an active facebook page or even mumsnet!) and instead of asking what you've asked here, simply say you're feeling low and fancy a chat. In this digital age, there are ways of getting company albeit not by sleeping in someone's spare room.

FWIW, if a close friend of mine who lived nearby asked me if I could let them do this, I may consider it. But I am a spinster-I cannot say I'd do the same if I had a partner who lived with me, or a child/children, and I would be unlikely to do it if I just needed a break and a day to myself. I'd be wondering when the person would wake, what they might need from me, if they'd mind if I nipped out, if I was making too much noise etc etc..

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 19/11/2022 23:54

Yanbu at ALL. I hope it doesn't happen to them but if any of these so called friends lives were turned upside down they wouldn't expect help they'd need it. That's what friends do. They can just pick when to be there for you. I can never ever understand how useless and distanced people can be when someone's struggling, I'm so sorry Op.