To ask what other SAHP do to fill their time

[doyoumindmeasking]

I'm a SAHM and just wondered what other SAHP do to fill their days.

My children are at school 9-3. I do drop offs and pick ups, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.

But in terms of other stuff not much. I'm going to try to pick up an exercise class 3 x a week.

It can get a bit dull.

I've tried a part time job but it's just not practical with my husbands work and age of our children.

Maybe the sneering is jealousy

I'm certainly jealous. I had to work full time and bring up children. Alone. And one is disabled

So I think I'm allowed to sneer

Ah but I also class some of this time as respite as I have two children with additional needs so need to rest when I have the chance. Also have chronic health issues.

Grass isn't always greener 🤷

It’s amazing! I spent pretty much the first 4 or 5 of those days luxuriating in doing absolutely nothing but how I’m getting pretty much all the food shopping/meal planning/life admin/laundry done for the week on that day and it’s freeing up at least an hour a day of evening time that we would have otherwise had to spend on boring stuff.

I don't have an issue with a parent staying at home, my mum did. DH completely pulls his weight despite having a "better" job & we can afford things that make our live easier but I don't like the narrative that a woman (because it generally is) has to facilitate a man working.

As I said my mum never worked but she wasn't doing childcare & chores; she had lots of help & my dad was very hands on.

I am in nearly the same position (one at preschool 4 days a week, 2 at primary). I do charity work, volunteer at school, meet friends for coffee and a chat, life admin, errands like Christmas shopping, shopping for the kids etc, DIY and decluttering at home, painting walls in the house, gardening, visiting family occasionally.
Never enough hours in the day, I feel like I could fill double the time tbh!

You are right... The grass isn't always greener and 2 kids with asn, plus your own health issues is a lot to deal with.

Tbh that comment was probably just jealousy/bitterness on my part as I don't really get any respite/downtime. My job is quite stressful, my husband works long and unpredictable hours and there isn't much time in the week when I'm not at work, looking after my kids, or supporting my mum looking after my terminally ill dad/offering respite etc. Im tired!

I can see a lot of posters saying that they really struggle to fit everything in, get everything done and work full time. That's really understandable, and it makes a lot of sense that they might see someone who isn't doing the work bit and feel really hard done by looking at someone who "only" has the non-work bits to do and is still claiming to be really busy.

I suspect that this is a bit comparing apples to oranges - I might have no paid work to do, but maybe you have a car and a washing machine and a second income and a supportive grandparent and children who are healthy and don't need a lot of extra input (care needs, medical appointments, school appointments etc.).

If you have such a strong emotional reaction to someone that you perceive as not working as hard as you then maybe that's your gut trying to tell you that you would benefit from making changes in your time allocation? Rather than telling an internet stranger that they shower at the wrong time and that their husband is going to leave them?

Why is anyone having to justify how they spend their time as a SAHM. OP asked what others do and when posters have commented, they’ve been questioned and told they could do it another way.

SAHMs don’t need to justify how they spend their time to some random working mum on mumsnet. ‘I can fit in so much more than you’...good for you, who cares.

I do 3 days a week 8-6.30 I have a teen dd. That’s a good balance I think.

@azimuth299 why don't you have a washing machine? that would be very hard with dc

They aren't that common where we live, especially in flats. People either have shared laundry rooms in the basement of the buildings or just go to the laundromat.

I'm a bit confused tbh. I'm a sahm due to the fact we'd be worse off as I work due to my profession being so underpaid and undervalued.

Admittedly Ds doesn't qualify for any nursery subsidies yet, so I'm looking after a toddler 24/7 but my day kind of revolves around him.

I know how important the early years are and if D's was at nursery he'd have to be provided with experiences to help him meet the eyfs goals, so I structure my time around that. That obviously means I'm facilitating and interacting with him, providing experiences etc so I don't have free time.

I kind of go on the philosophy of what would a paid childcare worker be expected to provide?

I do housework when I set up independent play in the same room, I cook with him and try and keep the house habitable, it keeps me busy enough.

If I had the luxury of nursery hours, unless it was literally 30 hours, I'd probably fill it with the housework I have to do a.bit slap dash whilst entertaining a toddler.

With all due respect, I'm not sure you can describe yourself as a sahm if your time is freed up to the extent you are bored by childcare.

I'd classify you as a housewife, which is a very different thing.

But you've provided people with a perfect opportunity to bash sahms. I don't judge, envy or feel superior to my working friends. If I do my job properly, it should all balance out. I do wish those of my friends who want to be sahp could do so, but just as it makes sense for me to do my own childcare, financially they are better off in work.

Oh my days another rebel yay!! Hello!!

@azimuth299 ok

@azimuth299 my point was that I don't struggle to fit everything in despite having a job so I don't understand why you'd find it a struggle to fit it all in with 6 spare hours a day. I'm busy but not struggling particularly. However you are right in that having 2 incomes, a car and a washing machine probably frees up some time (although as I mentioned above, no supportive grandparents here so the childcare situation is all on me and DH and nursery!)

You are right though, in that people just have to manage their own lives and figure out what works for them.

We're both SAHPs and it's surprising how busy we are! Both in various groups connected to our hobby (some we run) so that takes up a fair bit of time. Various Governorships/local groups, high energy dog, small amount of livestock and lots of taxi-ing children to their various activities and school, gardening etc, plus support for elderly parents can take out a day in one go. I think we're both busier than when we were working!

You think you’re ‘allowed to sneer?’ I mean, you can, but its not a great thing to do really is it. And does it help? Nope. Your life is still the same, except maybe you make someone else feel shit and probably yourself in the process.

I shower around 1pm when all four DC are in school - it's "my time". I understand you also have your busy schedule too. It isn't easy.

I wfh but choose hours. I can do as little or as many as i need provided the work is done.
I tend to get it all done of an eve or maybe 1 morning. Then rest im basically a sahm.
I cook. Clean, shopping, see friends, see dm or dsis.
I run out of time most days. I just seem to fill them

I'm sure there are more than just us on here!!

@azimuth299

And maybe some of us don't ... have the supportive spouse, help from GP, or finances to outsource some of the tasks. (As I outlined in my post)

I don't have DC with disabilities and I recognise it must be v hard.

I do not have any axe to grind about the choices others make, as I've said.

My point to you is your inability to see that regardless of the reasons you chose not to work, you have have a very significant amount of time each day to do tasks that working parents have to do too, but without that dedicated time available.

As for wishing I could make a change, as you say, yes, I do. I wish I was in a happy marriage & not separated, I wish my children's father took responsibility & was there for his kids, I wish I'd an alternative to bringing kids to sports every single day (I do, strictly speaking, but it's important to them so I do it).

So at the moment, there's no change possible. And with all that's going on, working is still the single most important thing to keeping my identity somewhat intact.

It's when SAHP say 'they couldn't possibly fit in a job' that working parents respond testily

As soon as my youngest went to school, after three weeks of catching up with stuff, I was bored out of my mind. Started volunteering and was working within 6 months.

Exercise- the gym and jogging
Driving and running errands
Shopping (don't do online shopping if it can be avoided)
Appointments
Go to cafes
Go on MN
Reading
Writing
Sorting house
Doing a course
Reading the endless emails
Budgeting
Self care
Planning eg diary, Xmas, birthdays, travel
Talking to relatives
Keeping in touch with friends

My GP has asked me to focus on my mental health first and foremost due to the stress of family life looking after children who have additional needs. Doing paid employment would just push me right over the edge.

Some of us are just about coping each day.