Assault at school - need objective opinions

[BecauseICan22]

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

Honestly I would move her. That sounds absolutely horrible and way too much for a child to deal with. Especially if it’s a bunch of kids against her and as friend.

I am so sorry this happened, unfortunately the issue is (you'll probably get some comments here saying it) but the handwringers who will "ah but these poor boys.... there MUST be a reason, think of them first"...

I have considered this (and thank you for responding), she absolutely loves her teachers, which I think doesn't help her 'rep', she just recently won an award in school, she was one of a handful of students to win the award for academic achievement and attitude to learning. She also feels that moving schools isn't going to solve the issue, there will just be arseholes at that school. I am always building her up and she is resilient and learning to advocate.

How do I effect change though? And regarding this, how do get through to the school that teaching in isolation isn't really a bad consequence for what they've done.

My daughter when we spoke about the police even said she doesn't want their life to be tarnished for the future - these wastes of space that have been so utterly nasty to her, she didn't want to ruin their future.

Im so sorry for your dc, that is truly awful behaviour!
Phone the school on Monday and explain you want a meeting straight away with the head teacher and the head of year. You need to explain that these students are verbally and physically abusing her and her friend. Now it’s become so serious that one has needed hospital treatment and your dc is being sexually harassed in what is meant to be a safe place.
Even if the other child witnessed it, he should not be sitting next to her. He sat back and watched what happened, he wasn’t completely innocent.

Have you spoken to your dcs friends parent? Could you two go together and speak to the school? I really would be pushing for this meeting on Monday. The school will not necessarily tell you the consequences the students face but they should be telling you what they will be doing to protect your dc.

Does the school have a parent council? If so then I’d be contacting them, attending the next meeting and bringing up the school bullying policy! I live in Scotland, I’d also be taking this to the head of education for my local authority if I felt the school were not handling this properly but if you’re elsewhere then contact the school governors or your local mp if you are not happy with the school response.

I think sexualied comments are happening more and more in schools. Our school had some special assemblies about this. Girls a d boys were encouraged to report this. It was a message that it is unacceptable and will.not be tolerated. Wr should not allow this to become the norm. I hope you can get some resolution.

That is terrible, I am not surprised you are outraged. The perpetrators cannot be allowed to get away with it. I understand they egg each other on until it gets out of hand but their behaviour is simply awful.

I absolutely do not care one iota for them. There is no defence unless they're all seriously unwell and seeing as they share many of my DC's classes and she has no mainstream schooling issues, I'm assuming they're the same.

It's the people it's happening to that I want a voice for. If 1, 5, 8, 11, 15 and so on students speak up - surely that starts a ripple effect. The school I know can only do so much. What the hell is this doing to the self worth of our children? And my DC is lucky, she has a supportive home environment, access to resources and a bright future ahead, what of those that don't?

There needs to be a wider dialogue. My head is in a spin and I'm a smart person usually, it's just with this - how do I get that dialogue running outside of my 4 walls.

Thank you for responding.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl and quite academic. The concern is that if she continues to suffer this abuse it will damage her self esteem and affect her chances of doing well at school. Although the offenders should be punished, and hopefully the school will support you, I wonder whether schools can really tackle embedded behaviours/ culture within a cohort.

if she has a bunch of friends and teacher support she could weather it. If she doesn’t I would ask for home schooling or start considering other options.

Also I would investigate options and have them in place. Even if you don’t change schools for now, at least you have a backup.

Hello and thank you for your thoughts. I am emailing school this weekend but not until I'm feeling a little more in control, my thoughts really are everywhere.

There isn't a parent council but I'm on good terms with many of the teachers so I feel confident speaking to them in person. Right now I'm a jumble of so many thoughts and feelings that I need to untangle to progress.

I need a plan.

It's really say but I work in a secondary school and whilst your DD's experience is extreme, this everyday misogyny and sexualised language amongst a LOT of boys isn't unusual. There are some great organisations out there that are trying to tackle the issue through education and I'm pleased my school are being proactive on this but it's a real concern.

I agree with you. Would you happen to know any of these organisations? I've actually been reading up today about how to start up a charity or a social enterprise, just something at least. There's more we, I can do.

Im so sorry your daughter has had to go through this. Your daughter won't be ruining their futures, their disgusting sexulised behaviour will. If no consequences are put in place now then it will just escalate. It's a police matter please let them deal with it.

OP tell your DD she is in no way responsible for the future of these boys and thats a very empowering lesson to learn. She's immediately absorbed responsibility for their futures, feeling bad like she might affect their future if she stands up for her rights, but their futures have NOTHING to do with her. It is simple cause and effect. They treat a young woman like this - that's the cause of their punishment. The effect is...that they are punished. Please explain that to your daughter. It has zero to do with her and everything to do with the fact that we are all individuals in charge of our own fate. They knew what they were doing, they knew the risk of it, and they did it anyway having factored in those outcomes. And that's that. I personally think girls are taught this habit of absorbing responsibility to save others, put others first, be a carer in a way that might be detrimental to them, and that has to be stopped. It doesn't seem to be a message boys are getting.

Never absorb responsibility for another person in this way again as she will end up putting the needs of bad people ahead of her own out of a misplaced sense of responsibility. Protecting herself doesn't mean harming others.

I feel so bad for her and for you - it's a disgusting situation. Is there any chance at all of home school if moving isn't an option? And I second you talking to the police and the school.

Finally I know that focusing on advocacy is probably getting you through this right now, and that's a good thing, but don't pressure yourself that it has to be done in the next five minutes. Advocacy takes time. Don't pressure yourself to get immediate results. Whatever you choose to do will need time but that doesn't make it less impactful.

Best thing to do just now is write down everything that your dc has been through then write down your emotions that way it’s all down on paper and out of your mind for a little while.

Email the school over the weekend, ask for an urgent meeting and then take the rest of the weekend to think through what you would like to happen. It’s good you are comfortable speaking to class teachers but right now I would be speaking to management as they are the ones who will decide the consequences. The class teachers will obviously have their own set of class rules but events that you have described would be passed onto management for support.

The one we're talking to is Beyond Equality but I'm sure there are others around the country.

I would be furious. And would definitely not let this go. Speak to the head, and report to the police. The school could take this opportunity to let some of the pupils form some sort of group who can talk in assembly perhaps about this kind of thing, and explain how it can make people feel. Sometimes issues like this just need to be brought out into the open, with discussion, and maybe next time there’s such a situation, people will feel more empowered to call their peers out on it at the time.

Does your DD have any older brothers, male.cousins or friends that could " have a quiet word" away from school premises?
If the teachers/police won't take any action sometimes justice has to be done in other ways

Have you looked at "Everyone's invited?" -whistleblower website for young women having to deal with these issues at school. Many well-known private schools have been named and shamed for the way they have ignored how female students have been treated by aggressive, misogynistic young men. It makes sobering reading. It's not only your DD's school. The schools need to up their game and demonstrate zero tolerance. Sorry your DD is having to deal with this.

So very sorry that your daughter went through this. I agree re reporting to the police and asking for an urgent meeting with the Head and other appropriate people on Monday.

I'm also sorry that no one stood up for her. Had she been in the same school as my son, he would have stood in front of her so that, even if he wasn't physically approaching the bullies, he was protecting her from their missiles.

Where were the teachers or staff on duty? We have at least two in the dining hall, if not three. We also have CCTV. This is fairly standard in schools, so, whilst it is lovely you don’t blame staff, there are questions to be asked.

OP ask the school about KCSIE specifically child on child abuse and how they have managed this and threaten to report to Ofsted. This is outrageous. www.keepingchildrensafeineducation.co.uk/part_five_ch_sex_viol.html

Sorry posted before I finished. There is a massive drive with Ofsted regarding section 5 child on child abuse due to how prevalent and damaging it is. Please report this if nothing is done after the meeting.

When the school finds out the harassment and assault have been reported to police you may find they revise their protection of the girls ; I hope so.

Don't let dc withdraw her complaint so as "not to tarnish them". They showed no such reluctance to not tarnish her. But more importantly, bullies may interpret it as weakness and think they can got away with it again.

You might ask the school to arrange a meeting of the girls and boys' parents of (in HT's presence) to tell them direct and in detail, exactly what their sons said and did. I'd give those named boys maximum bad publicity and shame them in the community ; as they tried to shame Dd.

Press the school a lot more. Forget individual teachers, the SLT should be dealing with this. The boy she had to sit next to for example, should have been moved. I would be very clear with the school that if they aren't prepared to deal with it then you will ask ofsted to do so. That might concentrate a few minds.

Ofsted recently demoted Bacup and Rawtenstall Grammar School which from outstanding to inadequate due to its inability to take safeguarding measures seriously. (In the ofsted report they noted the school was academically very strong but classed it as inadequate because of this type of bullying.) Might be worth reading this report before your meeting on Monday.